Poem: Howard and the Details (comments welcome. Please let me know what you think)?

Question

I had written an earlier poem about Howard Hughes, and I wasn't entirely happy with it. I reflected on the critiques and wanted to try again in free verse. It may need some knowledge of Hughes to get this. Comments?

Howard and the Details

They just never noticed
the details. How Jane Russell
had four nipples. How peas
were different sizes. How peaches were

dirty, dirty, dirty.
How germs crawled
all over your face,
hands. Touch
food with those?
Make the peaches dirtier
filthy.

They didn’t know
what to do. Fix the blouse,
it’s the seam. Line them up
with a fork for
perspective. And if I’m going
to eat those things:
Scrub off the label!
Clean the bare metal
of the can. Be careful
with the fork, don’t touch
anything else. Did you remember
to cover your hands
with paper towels?

They didn’t notice. They didn’t listen
And the damn plane was birch
not spruce.

Obscure B: Yep already caught the semicolon on revision thanks. Your idea to expand and end each stanza with a peaches line is inspired. I'll work on it.

Kevin: Thank you, I'm in the middle of reading 300 or pages of Hughes's memos, letters, and diary account. I will seriously consider your points on rewrite. Much appreciated.

Willow, I used some of your feedback on my initial rewrite. Thank you too so much.

Answer 1

Todd,

I enjoyed this much more than the Ruba'i. You've captured more of Hughes--willing?---descent into his behavior and the line breaks are a perfect accompaniment to the tone you've achieved.It's well-written and disturbing. If anything, I'd like this to be longer. Hughes was one of the stranger creatures of the 20th century: from the hot-sheet "star" maker to the uncut fingernails. To hiding out in hotels so as not to face the federal commission to having daily blood transfusions by his Mormon caretakers: you've got a LOT of material. I think you can carry this for about another 3 stanzas and end each line with a line about the peaches.

My only other call-outs: a colon after In the first stanza, remove the "how"'s; make them details. "Fix the blouse:" "Be careful/with the fork; don't touch anything/else." I imagine Hughes being a nutter for punctuation.

I'm glad that you've changed it, made it stronger, more "Hughes"-esque. Thank you very much!

Answer 2

Todd, this is the first time I've seen this one. I like your poetry, but this one is off to my ear...sorry. Line breaks are irratic too. You do some of these lines well, but others are superfluous. Here's my editing recommendations on the first few lines:

"They just never noticed
the details.
How Jane Russell had
four nipples.
How peas were
different sizes.
How peaches were
dirty, dirty, dirty."

Why this structure? because "the details" are what this is all about...right? By putting "the details" in the next line, you draw attention to them, apart from the subject, hence, number, size and sanitation become the details shown below each subject: Jane, Peas, Peaches.

The next stanza is a little disjointed as well...try this perhaps:

How germs crawl all over
your face, hands.
Touch food with those?
Hah! dirtier peaches
filthy.

I'd use the present tense for crawl...this brings us back to a speaker in real time, talking about his "continuing disgust", which is different than what they failed to notice in the past.

I could go on with the rest of the poem the same way... but I think you get the idea now. I also don't think using "peaches" at the end of each line is beneficial...but using it one more time at the end would be fine...to show a fixation on peaches (you don't need to beat the audience over the head with it to make your point).

Good start...keep writing

Answer 3

I really love it. I think you get at your object remarkably well, and the free verse allows your natural gift for really seeing to shine through. Fabulous. My favorite part is the line:
"hands. Touch" such brevity and simplicity, the end of one sentence and the beginning of another create a clear image together. Brilliant. Two images overlap to create a third, excellent economy. I really think this is one to be included if you are or plan on preparing a collection to be published.


My only criticisms are: why four stanzas? Why not combine 1 and 2? I'm just not sure how well "How peaches were

dirty dirty dirty" works for me. I think you're right to keep the three dirties separate, but I think you should make How peaches were its own line as well, and if you do that, don't worry about the break there, it's all the same idea gradually focusing in. However, I do think that that is just my opinion, I wouldn't say that it is necessary to complete the poem. Also, at the end of the second stanza, I would cut filthy. I like it ending on dirtier. Just a few thoughts. I think they sharpen your image, but maybe I'm missing out on something and there is a reason you did it this way.

Regardless, I love it. It contains everything a poem about Howard Hughes should contain, sadness, humor and wit.

Wonderful! I look forward to reading more of your work.
Oh, and the end, perfection!

Answer 4

That was a great poem you and Shad are about the same when it comes to poetry and I know you have read her poetry your both very good. THis poem had great rhythm and flow like your others. Even though I have btw no knowledge of Howard Hughes except for the fact that I recognize his name guess Im not very smart but he must be very famous.
Great poem,Keep Writting!

Answer 5

Dude, knowing some of the story of Howard Hughes..
It's the ( details ) you presented that in this poem that makes me now looking for all your writings.. You rocked this poem..
Is that a little over the top? I can never tell..lol peace out

Answer 6

What can I possibly say? I'm totally knocked over. This is fantastic. I've read it 3x. I love, peas were different sizes. Oh, there's so much I love about this poem.

Answer 7

LOVE this style of writing. Love that it's about Howard Hughes and you captured his issues with so few words.

Answer 8

Wow, brilliant Todd. It's absolutely good, I must say the way you describe all details is great. Bravo, a star for your masterpiece.

Answer 9

Willow, Obscure and Kevin's comments all worth listening to.
Margot

Added:

I take it back.
Kevin's comments just "put me off."
Willow's comments and Obscure's were helpful.
M

Answer 10

It is a dark journey. I didn't find any rough spots. Very good.