opinions please?

Question

Follow the sun.
I've always wanted to do.
Once I track it down.
Not sure what i'll do.

Follow the sun.
Bright yellow warmth, to it's low orange glow.
Where will it take me?
Does anyone know?

Follow the sun, faster I go.
As I try to track it down,
I wonder if it can be caught
Before it goes down.

Follow the sun.
I try to keep pace.
I'm getting tired
Of this never ending chase.

Answer 1

wow, wonderful , a great poem, you did great.... it tells us how you feel and i like it allot,

keep up the good work, its great,,, made my day....

take care :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Answer 2

Well, it has promise, but the lines are uneven...also, be careful of rhyming with the same word unless you have to. In this case, you didn't...watch:

Follow the sun
I've always wanted to
Once I track it down
Not sure what I'll do

See? not only does it avoid the same word, it actually corrects the meter. You might also want to "quote" the first line, since it has been repeated so often that it would be considered cliche...but if you put it in "quotes"..voila!

"Follow the sun"
Bright-yellow low-orange glow
Where will it take me
Does anyone know?

You can see how putting it in quotes aleviates the issue of cliche, and condensing the second line evened out the meter as well.

The third stanza's first line breaks with your pattern, why?
You've set your form, stick with it.

"Follow the sun"
Quick little noun
Can it really be caught
Before it goes down?

had to find a word other than "down", couldn't keep "faster I go" because it would have added a line, same goes for "track it", especially with "down" gone, so I had to look for something that would capture the speed of its departure that would rhyme with "down"...well, "sun" is short, so it's said "quickly", and it is a "noun"...best I could do.

Finally, the last stanza. Again, use quotes for "follow the sun"..."I try to keep pace"...line's okay..."I"m getting tired"...could be better...why? because you need to carry on the previous thought...why not "but I'm getting tired"? not only would it carry on the thought, but it would even out the beats...if you trade in the two syllable "never" with the single syllable prefix "un"...stanza becomes:

"Follow the sun"
I try to keep pace
But I'm getting tired
Of this unending chase

There are other endings you could choose, each would put a different spin on the poem...such as "but I quickly grow tired" or "but how long till I'm tired" or "I'll never get tired", or "I'll never grow tired", etc.

Hope this helps...keep writing

Answer 3

You've got talent. I really enjoyed reading this. You have a unique style and imagination. I would love to read more because you have a knack for this, and you have a big future ahead of you. I believe in you, and know that any writer can go a long way. Keep your head up, and keep on writing, superstar.

Answer 4

I really thought it was great it but the meaning of it can be dificult to understand but the complexity of it is what makes it so great it could might as well be published

Answer 5

did you write that??

it twas beautiful
bravo

Answer 6

I love it.