People say that you have to put "work" in the relationship in order for it to work. What kind of "work"? Is this type of work TIME consuming? Can this "work" be balanced? I see my brother doing ALL the work in his marriage (which makes me REALLY MAD), but he seems happy (doesn't he realize SHE is controlling him?).
2007-08-08 12:04:20 · 8 answers · asked by yomera 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
the "work" in relationships means that all relationships aren't easy that you need to always change and compromise. It isn't always balanced, but somehow it always equals out in the end. Never take things for granted, always be on the look out for ways to keep each other happy.
2007-08-08 12:12:43 · answer #1 · answered by WVPV07 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
When we talk about having to "work" at marriage, we need to go to the meaning of the word... Work... means to put dedication, focus, effort, and commitment into some endeavor, in order to achieve a desired outcome. That is exactly what is required from both partners in the marriage relationship
You are on the outside of your brother's marriage, looking in. Maybe you are right and he is the one doing all the "work" and she is controlling. BUT, there are a lot of successful marriages based on what's known as "complimentary personalities" where one of the marriage partners seems to take the dominant role, but the other one is absolutely comfortable and happy with that. That arrangement may not be your personal cuppa tea at all, but you are not in that relationship so it's just not your call. A whole lot of people think that the "Marriage Boat" can only operate with one skipper at the helm... one partner or the other has to be steering that boat, and the other one is "first mate". What is the main purpose? To keep the boat sailing, on course, and on an even keel. Just how the two people on that boat are choosing to do that, is their business..... it's their boat. If all appearances seem to indicate that the boat is sailing smooth, and neither one of those two people is looking or acting unhappy, then anybody on the outside needs to just butt out.
2007-08-08 19:47:21 · answer #2 · answered by sharmel 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What "work" means in the context of a relationship will vary a bit from relationship to relationship. Yes, it is time consuming, it takes your whole life. It's not easy to find a good balance of workload between partners because the "ideal point" changes all the time.
I think you are being a bit harsh towards your sister-in-law. You say your brother does all the work inside their relationship, but you aren't privy to everything. A lot of the hardest work is unable to be seen by outsiders. For example, my partner and I almost broke up once, and our housemate didn't even know we were fighting. In my relationship, my partner is the breadwinner while I stay home and look after our daughter. It may look like I have the easy end of it, especially when you come in and see the state of the house. However, my daughter only sleeps during the day for about 1 hour all up and is not content to amuse herself for more than about half an hour a day; and that is divided up into 5 or 10 minute fragments. So while I may have more time than my hubby, it is less useful time since it is in such small chunks. I am also responsible for maintaining communication about all aspects of our life. That is usually the women's responsibility because men just don't do it. (Maybe some do, but I've never heard of one.) That is a huge responsibility. If there is something wrong with the state of our finances, our daughter, our families, our sex life, whether we are actually having time together, whether I need a break, or whether he does, how to co-ordinate the housework, the shopping, our social lives, anything and everything, I'm the one who has to bring it up and find a solution. He just can't. It's not that he doesn't want to, he just doesn't have those skills.
It's quite likely your sister-in-law is in the same position. It's really tiring to be responsible for the maintainance of not only your life, but other people's too.
Instead of telling your brother why his wife is such a cow, why not ask him why he likes her so much? And try to be pleasant. If you are being negative towards her, you are putting strain on their relationship. I have to co-ordinate my partner's relationship with his family, and we don't even like each other! They only started being nice to me when I got pregnant, after we'd been together 4 years! In fact, they accused me of taking him away from them, when in reality, if I didn't nag him, he wouldn't bother talking to them at all. Not that I want them to know that, but it's a fun position to be in...
2007-08-08 19:26:07 · answer #3 · answered by Rosie_0801 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Work is time, effort, energy and the dedication you are willing to give to accept the other person's faults and differences. That is what your brother is doing. He is doing what it takes and you would be very wrong to address this to him or anyone else close to you or him. You did the right thing by asking this on yahoo. Most marriages break up b/c people are not willing to dedicate work into a relationship. Your brother is not selfish and on his way to having a lasting relationship. Most of the time the initial "work" pays off in the long term.
2007-08-08 19:14:31 · answer #4 · answered by frank 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This kind of "work" is like talking out problems and disagreements, compromising, spending quality time together, giving in to the other when the fight isn't worth it. This work can be unbalanced, when one person is selfish and expects the other person to read his/her mind and won't consider the other's point of view.
About your brother, it is possible he is putting in more than his fair share of work, because he is concerned and wants the marriage to work out. however, it is also possible that he is happy and doesn't mind doing it. My fiance rarely has preferences, so a lot of people used to think he was "whipped" because he'd do whatever I wanted. That isn't true, and when i ask him to do something or suggest something he doesn't want to do, he says so, and I don't push it. He just is indecisive. I hope this is the case with your brother. Otherwise, talk to him, and tell him you're concerned.
Good luck!
2007-08-08 19:10:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Work means time and effort. You spend time with the person talking over problems and solving them, not ignoring them or just getting mad at each other. PS. If your brother is happy with his marriage, butt out, just be there when he's no longer happy. And never, ever point out what's wrong with his wife. He has to come to know these things on his own.
2007-08-08 19:12:51 · answer #6 · answered by sursumcorda 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A happy marriage does not come easy! You have to give and take, and sometimes do things you might not want to do...hence...work!
2007-08-08 19:10:10 · answer #7 · answered by dianah 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I gave up after 30 years of work I did it all,.... him 0, screw that!!!
Sorry but it's just one of those days, I know there's good guys out there somewhere, maybe one day I'll find one, maybe.
2007-08-08 19:33:42 · answer #8 · answered by kim t 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋