My Poem for Review?

Question

To Awaken

How can I express what’s in my heart to you
Show you the abundant love inside
What miracle can beseech my soul to you
To unleash the kindred spirit inside

How do I shed this loneliness shroud I wear
And awaken from countless eons of despair
What miracle will bring your love to me
To lift this soul with care

How do I awaken from this slumber
The hellish nightmare of empty days
What miracle will usher the moments
To bond this love for all days

How so often I do dream of you
Embracing the love that hides
What miracle your love has brought to me
To awaken and know your love is mine


copywrite finlejam 2007 All Rights Reserved

Answer 1

Wow, that's really good! sure it's confusing but if you really concentrate you understand what you are trying to say. i think you should get it published or something. it reminds me of the poems that i write. Great job on writing it. it sounds so proffesional!!!

Answer 2

The poem is a 3 on a scale of 10. Why? Bodacious cited many of the reasons already. However, the good news is that I could very easily rewrite this into something far better...and I bet you could too.

A few things to remember: be true to your voice..."your" voice. I don't think you actually say "beseech" in your normal conversations, nor in any other form of your writing. Since this is not a period piece, you can't even claim temporal continuity as your aim. So toss it. We all know what "beg" means, so use it. If you have another word that means the same as beg that you use in your normal vocabulary, use it instead. Next, your beats... beats! Don't leave our ears hanging at the end of a phrase without proper support. Your final line in any stanza has to support the rest of the stanza...that's a big responsibility, so don't leave it hanging out there. The first stanza...

How can I express what’s in my heart to you
(How can I express my heart to you)
Show you the abundant love inside
(Show you the abundance of love inside)
What miracle can beseech my soul to you
(What miracle can my soul beg of you)
To unleash the kindred spirit inside
(To unleash this kindred spirit inside)

Can you hear the difference just a slight change in words can make? Read your original lines, then read the ones in paranthesis one after another...that's what you need to do to every stanza of your poem. Straigten out the curves in your speech, even out the beats and make it flow.

The poem is not a bad one, but it was poorly executed...on this draft...make your revision better. Just looking at what you wrote convinces me that you can fix this and make it a good poem. work at it.

keep writing

Answer 3

Alright, I tell you what the others were too nice (or too newbie) to tell you. You're on the right path with the poem, but you're not being completely honest with it, and it seems like you've beaten yourself over the head with a thesaurus to compensate. When I read abundant, beseech, and kindred in three consecutive lines, I know something is rotten in Denmark.

I know, because I've written poems like this one before, and its not your technique that is the initial problem, its something perspective-based, psychological, that you're not admitting to yourself.

I'm not trying to be a dick, really, but the only stanza that I found believable was the third one, everything else being rhetorical questions to which you already know the answers, or at least you should, if you feel as strongly as you write.

So my constructive criticism: retool it, using what you would do in certain situations, or what you want to say (but can't find the balls to say it) when you see this person, as ammo. Vivid imagery is how you let someone connect with what you're feeling, by being specific and descriptive.

And, if you want to improve your vocab, throw out the thesaurus and read ten times more than you write. Don't let my criticism discourage you; if you really love to write, tough love is something you'll have to get used to, and its respectful, since you know for sure what you've done well.
And, its copyright, for future reference. Good luck!

Answer 4

Beautiful. I have no words. Even the title is mesmerizing...

Answer 5

I like this poem a lot!