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I will keep this short. I am married to a quiet guy who hates conflict. So if I bring up something that needs to be discussed he acts like I am looking for a fight and avoids talking about it. That builds up tension in me, and then we both end up ignoring each other. This goes on and on.
He has said that I am the problem, and I feel that if we can't talk about things then he is the problem.
I love him but don't know what to do.
Should I go get some counceling, or just continue to live my own life, living in the same house as him? I feel like he is a roomate most of the time.
We have been married 2 yrs. both on our 2nd marriage.

2007-08-08 10:16:55 · 11 answers · asked by Ellyn 5 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

Wow, some really good answers!
I want to thank you all!

2007-08-08 10:31:22 · update #1

11 answers

Get counselling. A good counsellor can help you talk things out.

2007-08-08 10:22:19 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Communication is one of the most important things in a healthy marriage. If he refuses to listen to you then there is a huge problem and it's not just you. The fact that he blames you entirely for it means that he knows he's in the wrong and is manipulating you into accepting full responsibility for things that he is responsible for.

One can be a quiet guy who doesn't like conflict and still discuss the important issues. Complete avoidance and blaming one's spouse smacks of cowardice.

2007-08-08 10:22:39 · answer #2 · answered by Saphira 3 · 0 0

Sounds to me like you guys have a communication problem. A serious one! I don't see you as the problem, I see him as the one who is not stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility.

If you live separate lives, you will end up separating anyway. I would seek some counseling. If he won't go with you, then go for yourself at least to save you self image. You learn some communication techniques and save your self esteem. Good luck.

2007-08-08 10:28:45 · answer #3 · answered by kystarlyte_kystarlight 4 · 0 0

I am also married to man who hates conflict. We have a happy marriage at this point, but it took a while to get here. He is what I consider a "people pleaser". Lots on the net about it if you search for that term. He believed in peace at any price. By avoiding conflict he thought he was being nice. But in reality he was just prolonging solving our problems. When I could get any words out of him, it was to tell me that I was the problem. He would not get mad or express emotion of any kind. I am not sure what happened with us, but things have worked out.

2007-08-08 13:42:18 · answer #4 · answered by I39 5 · 0 0

I think it is because men and women communicate differently.

Usually when women complain about things to men, the men tend to assume the woman is blaming them - if she is just wants to have a good old moan - the men thinks he is being blamed and doesn't want to listen, whereas your female friends would just chime in "I know, that's terrible, what will you do?"
So make it clear you are not blaming him.

also, pick your times wisely, if he is doing his own thing - watching TV, pottering around the garden shed whatever, don't disturb him, men seem to have their moments when they can communicate, the rest of the time they could be mistaken for rainman.

So pick a time when he is already attentive to you, you will know he is ready to listen then, and make it clear that you are NOT complaining to him but that you need his advice and assistance - men love to feel needed.

2007-08-08 10:38:32 · answer #5 · answered by deny 2 · 2 0

alone- a lot of the problem is you - you married him knowing he wasn't very expressive, but yet here you are trying to change him to be talkative - and that is not going to happen.

I do suggest you get into counseling to learn new ways to approach subjects with him...if he will go with you that would be even better - but even going alone will suffice.

2007-08-08 10:33:06 · answer #6 · answered by allrightythen 7 · 0 0

Have you tried writing out your feelings and letting him read it? That way it doesn't feel like a fight but you are able to express yourself? Just because he doesn't want to talk about it doesn't mean it shouldn't or can't be addressed. Stay patient because that will just lead to more disention. Hang in there and if it continues talk to him about marriage counceling to help you two learn how to communicate better since you have different styles. Gool Luck!

2007-08-08 10:24:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0 1

Sounds like you.

Women think too much
worry too much
want to talk about things too much

Guys look at it as whining and complaining

Just deal with the problem you see and tell him what you did.
If there was nothing you could do about the problem, it probably wasn't really a problem.

2007-08-08 10:25:08 · answer #8 · answered by Sophie B 7 · 2 2

you guys are not communicating. will he go to counseling with you? you both need to go. you need to understand why he is so scared of conflict, let alone just communicating. this is a problem. i don't see counseling for you alone as a solution, but couples counseling definitely. do you premise the conversations with "i'm not looking to argu but i have something on my mind i need to discuss with you.....will you?" nill communication is a death sentence for marriages. you need to address this

2007-08-08 10:22:24 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

dont waste money on couseling, he sounds just like my gf. What you and he have to do is email your problems back and forth, and maybe you will be able to work something out that way, most people are way braver online than in person. Of course, this isnt really working that well for us, so maybe you should just call it quits, im thinking of it.

2007-08-08 10:28:05 · answer #10 · answered by rand a 5 · 0 1

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