another poem or song or something?

Question

The Monsters in the Back Room
Sittin there singing their own tune
Discussing politcs in a special way
important issues attepting to sway
all those problems we see all day

But most of all They don't know
and after I Don't care
Yet once in for all I just say no
so don't fall now
Just welcome the crow

Those Dreams you had all flew away
only to come back to a better day
if the fields could talk we'd hear them say
Build me an arc to preserve our way

Dodging class to play in the rain
but Shooting stars were never filled the pain
Subdividing atoms up in space
simply confiding in the the winner of the race

The Dove is such a poetic creature
but can anyone ever truely reach her
speaking out for social morality
and justice for all or is that just insanity

Feed your drivel to the dogs
can't tell what's right or wrong
Incredible accounts of vivid distortion
or are you just trying to get a reaction

Toys for purposeful wrath of destruction

or is that part of your warped perception
indecency in large proportions
you are no more than a simple contortion

Answer 1

Well, you have some good lines, but you back them up with some pretty bad ones. This looks like you wrote it when you had some inspiration, wanted to get them down, shotgunned them down so you wouldn't forget them, and never really got around to working them out. I know, because I've done the same thing and they looked pretty much just like this.

So, now that you have some good images, it's time to trim the fat. You need to decide if you're going to do 4 line stanzas or 5 line stanzas. Pick one. Same goes for rhyming pattern...AABBB, CDCEC, BBBB...you see, you're all over the map...pick one, or even two, and stay with them. You want the ear to find a rhythm, and it can't do that if you don't give it one to follow. If you're going to do free verse, then do it all in free verse...just figure out which way you're going and keep going in that direction.

Your lines are also uneven...it's difficult to keep with them if they sound forced or have different beats, and kinds of beats...again, tune it or toss it. Also watch out for nonsensical phrases like " but Shooting stars were never filled the pain"..."filled the pain"? What the heck does that mean? Sounds like you left something out, or changed your phrase mid-sentence and it didn't make it to the screen. Try again.

Your poem has potential, but it's unfocused. Work on it, edit, read it out loud, edit some more, then post it again. it will be interesting to see what you come up with.

keep writing

Answer 2

Look at it this manner... You are not the one guy on the earth she reveals wonderful. It simply so occurs that she appears like you're cozy adequate with your self while she will let you know some thing like that and no longer be afflicted via it. When it involves stuff like that, do not allow it hassle you due to the fact you're simply losing a while. Now if she begins pronouncing, "I'd **** his brains out" you then must begin demanding. But till then, its simply an blameless remark that she made to you due to the fact she feels that you're cozy adequate to manage it.

Answer 3

Amazing