When I think about it I get sick to my stomach.........?

Question

My husband has been calling me names ALOT lately and just really treating me like crap and i want to leave and go out on my own but....I still love him I just dont fee IN LOVE with him. we have not been married that long but right after we got married everything started to change....he called me a fat as$ yesterday and got mad and said "suck my D#$% B#$%ch" and I got SOOO mad I told him to pack his stuff and go but he didnt and he slept on the couch....he called this morning apologizing and I was like "yeah ok" and he was saying he loved me and all but he ahs to apologize so much it feels like he doesnt mean it. But when I think about me leaving or him for that matter I feel sick to my stomach....and I feel a lump in my throat and feel like crying.....why? He makes me so mad and I want to go out on my own.....please help me.....give me some kind of advice....please....I am at a loss for words.....what do I do?!

It HAS gotten abusive before and that stopped because I told him if he did it again I would leave and never come back so now he is trying to control everything I do and degrade me while I am doing what he wants me to do.....he NEVER does anything I ask him to do......I asked him to fix my radio a year ago and its something that might take 5 min. and he has never done it no matter how much I ask. but the min I dont do something he asks he get furious. he ripprd the bedroom door off the wall the other day and he trys to destroy stuff all the time.

By the way he IS NOT a thug...he was a sweet country boy from a small town....well we moved into the city...and it all went to crap....maybe he needs to go back to the country.

Answer 1

Married 6 years, had a child recently. I got the verbal abuse when he lost his temper and then he appologies. Other times were fine. So I let it go. But things came to a head a year and a half back, I felt that sick to the stomach thing when I realized over a period of time that the apologies were just easy for him to smooth things. How hard is it to say sorry when you don't mean it seriously ? I tried talking to him, I fought, I pleaded. I'd get the nice responses, but the next time he lost his temper it was verbal abuse followed by sorry when I was angry. In your case, it sounds like he is already violent, it's just a matter of time before he slaps you and feels really bad about it, then he'll do it again and not feel so bad, he'll think you deserve it. And so on. Or, he may never hit you, but destroying things is not a good sign. It means he has no control. You should never bring a child into this situation. I came out of my cocoon after my child was born. When I fought back, we had a rough year and were at the point of divorce, but I did not want to give up on the marirage until I could tell my child in the future that I tried everything before giving up for her own good. After a year, we are now at a point where he does not yell at me. I learned that explaining is useless. Ignoring is better. I just took the baby and locked myself in the bedroom till he calmed down. Refused to talk to him when I saw him getting hyper. That was more insulting and halted him than all my shouting and pleading. I can't gaurantee that he won't lose his temper again, but he is making an effort to stop. I also let his family know about the verbal abuse. That shamed him into controlling himself. You have to try different tactics. First make yourself strong enough to believe that you can take care of yourself without him. That your happiness is not totally dependent on him. Then you will find the strength to fight for the marriage or leave him without any regrets. It will be his loss if it fails. But do not take the abuse anymore. Let him know if this goes on, you are leaving him. Mean it and he will realise that he has to change, seek anger management help or lose you. Wish you all the best.

Answer 2

I went though a marriage exactly like this, he would get mad sleep on the couch to upset me, wake up at 2, 3, 4 a.m. in the morning cursing me out no reason at all talking about his previous girlfriend and how she played with his mind. This didn't get any better until I moved out and now we have a better relationship because he sees that I don't have to live with him in a new house, have him give me money, and be miserable. I don't live with him and I can have anyone I want to over my house and still see him when I get good and ready. Men like that are very selfish and controlling, they wan to keep you in a box and scared of them. My stomach use to hurt to when I was in this type of relationship but now I'm so much better.(that was coming from a nervous stomach)

Answer 3

Go out on your own. It doesn't mean you have to get divorced or stop loving. Perhaps you could get counseling, if you think that might work for you. However, I would separate myself a little until I could think without becoming over emotional. Think about the realities of the situation and whether it is likely to change. Can you live like that forever? Or until he decides he is leaving? You need peace and quiet and time to think.

Answer 4

First of all forget about that "Love him but not IN Love with him" stuff, that's for school girls. This is abuse and love has nothing to do with this decision. From what you wrote it sounds like he could easily become physically violent. You feel sick because you are scared. Don't make a bad decision because you are afraid. Do you have children? If not would you want your children see you being treated this way? Would you want your children to be treated this way? Do you deserve to be treated this way? You have to think of these questions and answer them with your brains and not your heart.

Answer 5

Marriage counseling is useless cause i can tell you now he won't go so it won't do any good. Either clean out the bank account and file for divorce or find you a guy on the side to fill the needs you are missing from hubby. Either way, good luck to you. E mail me if you need to know how to get started.

Answer 6

That is verbal abuse. You need to get out of that relationship. It is probably your nerves making you sick to you stomach. It is a big step to take but you will not regret it.

If you stay with him and have children imagine the things he will say to them. Get out now before that happens. It's obvious he has no respect for you.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.

Answer 7

Get a tough skin, because you DO LOVE HIM and maybe at this point in time your NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM, but the love is still their, and WORK IT OUT, every marriage goes THROUGH ALOT, and if name calling is the worst you can handle get out....but before DIVORCE is even an option explore other alternatives..ie...marriage councesling, or just explain to him what it is doing to you and make him see the effect it has on you!

Answer 8

you feel sick because you love him so much that it so disappoints and hurts you that it looks like you have to call it quits.

of course you wish he will change.... but you can't wait around hoping for him to change while he has to keep apologizing for what he does.

if he is wanting to change he has to go to counseling and deal with anger management. but you need to get far away from him even while he is going through this. he has to know he has to prove that he is working hard to change.

if you leave and he starts begging and pleading for you to stay and you don't expect him to go to counseling and such, he will most likely only change for just enough time for you to feel safe again.... and then it will slowly creep back in.


****************
edited
****************

I just read your additional comments... it seems he has stopped getting physically abusive with you but has transferred his anger into attacking and destroying things in your home? Well, this is VERY bad sign... he is only transferring his violence instead of dealing with his violent demeanor. And all of his demeaning of you is just another way he can abuse her without touching you! Get out of there! You know you deserve better, right?

Answer 9

Well, you can either stay and put up with that for the rest of your married life, or you can get out and find someone that will love and care for you the way you would them. That is not love girl, not in my book. Life is too short, so go out on your own and forget the loser that you married. Chalk it up to one of life's experiences.

Answer 10

well he is still being abusive, but this time its not physical, its mental abuse!! I would try a counselor or if that dont work, I hate to say this but to make him realize what he is doing you are gonna have to leave!! Leave make him think you arent gonna go back to him!! Make him think that you are having fun ( even if your are miserable)!! Go out with your family or friends!! Good luck hope this helped you!!