Night
When moonlight glides
Over the surface of the lake
Fireflies wander happily
In their first wake.
Lights shimmer
Blinking on and off.
A whispering breeze
Flutters over the silent meadow.
A little star cries
lost and misplaced.
It falls down onto the grass
where it slowly fades away.
The moon gives it's light
For a silent rabbit
that's finding it's way home.
It rushes into cuddly arms.
Far away
In a little cottage
A mother quietly sings
a lullaby to her baby.
The summer air
Is crisp and clear
With the smells of
Life.
2007-08-08 04:30:29 · 10 answers · asked by lilpaw12 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I think there are some good images here, but if you'd like to make it better, it will need some work. You seem more comfortable, at least more able to communicate your vision when you're writing in free verse rather than rhyme, so you should probably stick to free or open verse with this one.
Your first two stanzas have lines that seem transposed...you have fireflies gliding over "their" wake...? and a breeze that flutters over a meadow. You might want to try having the breeze whisper over the lake and the fireflies futter over the meadow...it might look like this:
When moonlight glides
On the surface of the lake
A whispering breeze
Creates a wandering wake.
Lights shimmer
Blinking on and off.
Fireflies flutter happily
Over a silent meadow
The "over" in the second line was changed so the "over" in the original 8th line wasn't a repeat...plus moonlight would be "on" the lake...not "over" (you can't see it when it doesn't touch the lake). The breeze and shimmering lights were moved up into the same stanza as the lake, and "wander" moved up as well to make an alliteration with "wake", hopefully softening the rhyme in the first stanza (since it wasn't found anywhere else in your poem).
In your third stanza..."little star"...is this a metaphor for the firefly? If so...can you "hear" the cry of a firefly? Be careful when you create your images so that you don't make them too fanciful; your poem is well grounded in natural images; if you create a fantasy you'll lose touch with the reality it creates.
In the fourth stanza, you say the moon gives its light...I wouldn't do that. You already said the moonlight was on the lake, so I'd find another way to say that...maybe, "the pale silver light shows a stealthy rabbit the secret way home"...this avoids using "silent" and "moonlight" again, plus it tells us that the rabbit understands there are predators and must be careful, choosing a way home only it knows and is illuminated in the light of the moon.
Finally, Summer air is seldom "crisp", and if they are by the lake, it's probably "sultry"..which also just happens to merge better with "life"...like, "The summer air is sultry but clear, alive with the smells of life"
Just some suggestions...your images were okay, but some editing and you'll have even better ones.
keep writing...I like what your mind sees
2007-08-11 07:03:02 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For me a poem has to have rhythm. It does not always need to rhyme but it surely demands to hit my feelings. I consider readability of expression is essential as good. I do not love to moment bet what I'm studying approximately. I continually seem for what I time period "poetic gemstones"within the textual content.
2016-09-05 11:54:58 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with casey. It is very beautiful and relaxing to read though. Puts a nice picture in your mind.
2007-08-08 04:40:08 · answer #3 · answered by skip1960 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm with Casey on this one. If you start out rhyming you should stick with it the whole time. Otherwise it's very beautiful.
2007-08-08 04:39:38 · answer #4 · answered by katsnonblonde 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
excellent relaying of imagery. and i appreciate the injection of happiness with the reality side. perhaps, try and include more of your personal thoughts, specifically those relating to you and your personal life, in a vague and not too invasive sort of way
2007-08-08 04:41:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats beautiful
but at some points, there seems to be a bit of a rhyme scheme but then its like WAIT no there isnt one.. thats the only problem i see with it. =)
2007-08-08 04:34:07 · answer #6 · answered by casey 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it a lot! It makes me feel very relaxed...:)
2007-08-08 04:34:40 · answer #7 · answered by ♫Lαurεn♪ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
lovely it makes me feel very calm and relaxed. :)
~em
2007-08-08 04:39:14 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
THAT'S A REALLY GOOD POEM. ALOT OF IMAGERY.
2007-08-08 05:35:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was great
2007-08-08 04:48:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋