Should I allow my husband to cheat?

Question

My husband & I are unhappy together however we have been married for four years & have children & will not get divorced because we have a deep connection & an unexplainable love for each other. We have tried to work on things, marriage counseling, etc. He has cheated on me many times. One time he even brought the girl home & had sex with her in front of me against my will. He has been abusive in the past & that is why I couldn't "do anything about it." He has not been physically harmful to me in a year, however with less physical abuse came more cheating & never being home on his part. He has even proposed to me that he openly have other girls he has sex with, but that he would never leave me for them or love them. We constantly fight about cheating and it has led me to become obsessed with "snooping" on him & constantly trying to figure out what he is doing. Would my life be easier if I just "allowed" him to have sex only with other females, because I love him so much?

I understand everyone's assumptions about me, however I am educated with a master's degree in counseling, do know that I am beautiful and could "do better" as everyone says, however love is an unexplainable thing. I do not understand why everyone feels as though nobody cheats or that every marriage is perfect. People enter this site for advice and at times I feel as though people are looked down upon or only bashed for asking for some serious advice. Thanks to those who understand.

Answer 1

If counseling and other things didn't work, nothing will. In order to change, he has to want to make the change.

Answer 2

Well I would have to say you are in a very tough position being that you say you love him deeply, but seriously could you really say that he loves you deeply when he is constantly hurting you. Being that you have children you should consider the example you are setting for them when it comes to relationships. You are doing more damage to yourself and them in the long run if you continue to stay with this man. Having a high education and being a successful woman doesn't change the fact that you view this as a no win situation. You need counseling to figure out why you think you deserve to be treated so badly. No woman should ever think they deserve to be treated like the lowest piece of scum. Get help please...I pray the you'd be OK and can get past this difficult times.

Answer 3

First of all Love doesn't hurt! He is hurting you! Love is patient, love it kind, love is not SELF SEEKING, love is not boast full....you get the message! Can you replace your husband's name in those sentences and say "Joe is patient......" I am divorced, and it was hard. He was abusive for 5 years!! And being in a relationship with a man like that makes a woman some what "addicted" to fixing him! YOU CAN'T! We did not have children, so I can't even imagine how hard it would be for you to leave. BUT your children know what's going on, maybe not all of the details..but that will come as they age.. Trust me you are going to harm them more allowing them to think this is how true love is.
I do not believe in reincarnation,so GET OUT and be happy. It will take time...but trust me you will look back when you are in the arms of another man that loves and desires only YOU and you will wonder.....what in the heck was I thinking... and you will be sad that you can't give that time you wasted with this person to the person that you were meant to be with!! You can do it, and it does not make you a failure or weak! Teaching your children that "life" happens and it is how you deal with the problems that arise that makes you the person that people will admire!

Answer 4

If you loved him so much, "you" would be wanting to have sex with him instead of letting him go find other women to have sex with.

Why even bother with the "snooping"?
You already know there's other women, and you don't do anything about it anyway, so what's the difference?

Your poor kids are being exposed to a very unhealthy marriage.
Do you want your children growing up to think it's ok to be this way?
Your daughter, thinking she has to just put up with whatever men do to her.
And your son, thinking it's ok to treat women this way.

You really need to get out of this marriage.
What are you staying for?
And don't say the kids sake, because that's just not a good point.
You are putting the children in harm's way by having them be around when your husband, can and will, physically hurt you.

Sit back and read your question to yourself.
Isn't that a pitiful life?

Answer 5

Oooh my Dear,
Listen to me and listen to me good. First know that you are a queen and know you're worth. No one deserves to be treated like that. Love can make you do some crazy things but at some point you have to know where to draw the line. Your husband has been a physical and now an emotional abuser. And you know what??? You are becoming a self abuser. You are making yourself subject to such unhappiness because of what you think LOVE is. Love is not hurtful. Love is not distrust. Love is not cheating. Love is being committed to that one special personin your life. Love is doing whatever you can to make that person happy. Your husband is everything opposite from that. You are a woman with her head on right, trying to save for a house and college and he should appreciate that. Instead he is ungrateful and not willing to meet you half way. One thing I've learned is you can't love somebody until you can learn to love yourself, babes. You staying with this man is showing that you are putting him in front of your own needs...last but not least you have to think about your children. They are a lot smarter than many parents think. They can sense whenthings are not going well with the parents. They can pick up on worrying,depression and tention between you too. Please don't do it for just them but do it for you. It you don't have a man to love you and only you and be with you and only you and treat you the way a queen deserves to be treated and uplift you like a husband should....why the hell do you need him??? Sorry to be blunt but I just hate your situation because I've been in a similiar situation and one day I had to decide when enough was enough. I feel great about it and have no regrets. Let him go until he can found out how to really treat a woman....Good Luck

Answer 6

You are addicted to this relationship and you need to keep going to counseling for yourself. You deserve more in life than what you are getting from this man. You can love someone but it doesn't mean the relationship can work or that you can continue living with them. I would find out why and gain the courage and strength to leave this man. he is emotionally and physically abusive to you and very self centered. he cheats on you in the worst way and could endanger your life by giving you an STD that could kill you. He sounds like a sex addict that even through counseling refuses to accept help for it so run don't walk out of this relationship run. He is not committed to the marriage and disrespects you. There is more out there in the world and someone who would truly love you so don't only settle for this! Take care and best wishes.

Answer 7

Yes there are alot of people on here who act as though they are above all....its kind of funny really, if they had such a great life and all , why are they sitting on the computer reading this crap, shouldnt they be at home being pampered by their wonderful husbands and wives...or pamering them in return....anyway....

If this is really a serious question and you are really an educated woman, much less a phsychologist, then you already know that you should really leave, that kind of life will not be productive to your children....just because you are in the same house as both parents will not make you grow up a better person, its what happens in said house that matters.....

I wish my parents had split up, my father was abusive, verbally, physically and mentally. He cheated all the time, we were little kids, but we knew what was going on. They are alot smarter than you give them credit for!!

Good Luck, but you know the answer to this already, if all you say is true!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

How do you live with this man? No woman deserves to treated that way. I don't understand why you are still with him and why you are allowing this behavior. You must not have any respect for yourself. If you had respect you would never let someone do this to you, no matter how much you loved him. You are in a very unhealthy relationship and if you stay in it things will only get worse. Please leave this man. He is no good for you. Cheating is so wrong! He can't love you and be doing all these things to you.

Answer 9

So where exactly is the relationship at? It doesn't sound like there is one. He is having sex with other women, with your knowledge, which makes you unhappy, he is abusive to you, you are only obsessed with him and you are basically stalking him because that is the only way you can learn anything about his actions which means there is zero open communication in the marriage. He has no respect for you and you seem to have none for yourself to put up with him. The whole situation from what you describe seems very unhealthy and will only get worse and you will get more depressed cuz you cannot control him. It is time to leave if not for yourself for the sake of the kids.

Answer 10

Allie, you don't have a "deep connection" and "an unexplainable love for each other." You are deceiving yourself. Your husband is a philanderer and you are allowing it. The relationship is abusive. I am afraid that the only thing you can do is end it. If you allow what your husband has proposed, you are setting yourself up for years and years of suffering and unhappiness, and don't you deserve better than that? It is going to be very, very hard -- perhaps the most difficult thing you have ever had to do -- but you have to get out of this relationship and find a new life for yourself and the children.

Answer 11

You have to get out of this relationship. Your husband is an abusive pig and this is not a marriage. A marriage is a monogamous relationship based on love, respect and trust. You don't have a deep connection or deep unexplainable love. Love doesn't express itself that way.