If cheating with one means something is wrong in the relationship what about multiple affairs?

Question

My husband has cheated on me with several women sometimes with more than one at the same time.Some people say something was lacking in our marriage and I always blamed myself but I have found letters from other women complaining about things that I also complained about?
Does that mean then that he's the one with the problem?

Answer 1

This is awful. Why would you put up with a man who has demonstrated such a degree of infidenitly?

I agree with wildflower that he may be a sex addict; but he may also simply not care about being faithful to you. This shows a total lack of respect and consideration for you. Unless he is truly willing to get some help or counseling, I doubt there is much you can do...other than accept the fact that you have an unfaithful husband and either continue to tolerate it, or get out while you can (he may be exposing you to all sorts of diseases!)

Answer 2

If your partner/spouse is having an affair and blames it on the” marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy.
If his/her needs were not being met in the marriage (and what marriage DOES meet all or even a significant amount of personal needs) he had countless other ways to address the issue of personal needs both within him/herself or the relationship.

• Attaches self to others. Others become the guiding star
• May have bouts of sadness and dejection
• Deep down thinks of self as inadequate and weak
• More passive, does not like competition
• Complains. Whines. Things are never right or good enough
• Those who know him/her well will usually be exasperated and frustrated

The affair relationship will run a predictable course. Most likely, a very similar dynamic was at play in the beginning of your relationship with your spouse.
The affair relationship will most likely follow the same course. So, months or perhaps years down the road, your spouse will experience the same impasse with the other person as he did with you.
If he (or the other person) chooses not to intentionally reflect on his marriage and the new relationship; if s/he chooses to forgo therapy or some other formal educative process, it’s almost as predictable as paying taxes that he (they) will recycle the same issues.

After all, an affair is a game, initiated usually by someone who is developmentally
arrested (most did not "do" adolescence very well), has a character disorder (loves "the
game"), struggles with addictions or suffers from feelings of inadequacy (needs to prove
their adequacy or migrates to those familiar feelings of being inadequate).

Because he plays the game doesn't mean that you have to.

Answer 3

It is not always true that there is something missing, some people can't handle the every day routine of being married to the same person and other people just cannot say no when sex is offered to them on a plate, it is very general to say there must be something missing. I know as I have been married twice, both husbands cheated on me and both have stated in court that is was not my fault, that they were tempted and could not resist. I have paper work from court stating that, and I know in my heart that I have put 100% effort into both marriages, so I have no guilt that they did not work out.

Answer 4

I'd say he's the one with the problem. My current boyfriend has had a good few women over the years (not whilst with me- although its not for the want of trying!)- and we are all in touch with each other and we all find the same problems with him so i would say it was him that had a problem- Can't all be wrong can they?? Anyway cheaters always like to make the cheated one feel responsible because it gives them a licence to do what they want- why put up with anymore- don't you think you deserve better???

Answer 5

If the man only cheated once and never again, I would say there could possibly a problem with the relationship. If he cheats all the time, there is something wrong with him and only him. It wouldn't matter who he is with, he would cheat. The problem has nothing to do with anything on your part. Don't feel inadequate, he is the one who has insecurities that require constant stroking of his obviously fragile ego. Find a real man, not this poor excuse for a person.

Answer 6

I found that when someone cheats it does not have a whole lot to do with the person being cheated on, but more about the cheater. Its like they need that outside attention to validate them as attractive and wanted. You could be doing everything possible and they will still cheat. Its is their lack of confidence and self respect. If it was because of you a self respecting confidence person would just walk away.

Answer 7

cheating doesnt mean there is something worng with the relationship - period.

there are many things a person can do if there is something wrong with the relationship - why use that method as a way of showing it? the reason for chosing that method has nothing to do with the relationship.

a person of such low quality and care is not worth the time - and not worth hearing the excuse of - oh its cos of the relationship. cheating has more to do with getting what someone wants and causing pain and getting away with it ... add those things up - pretty picture? male or feamle doing it - same things to add up - result, power control and pain - doont like those words? Im sure you can think up some other nice descriptive words. maybe a few choice nouns to put with them.

multiple times ... kindly refer to first bit I wrote.

Answer 8

There is NEVER an excuse for cheating....there may be reasons why someone decides to step out on their spouse. There could possibly be something lacking in your relationship with your husband....but it sounds like he is having issues with himself.....If you have done everything possible to have a happy marriage then I see no reason to blame yourself...he is the one with the problem.

Answer 9

The only problem i see with you is that you put up with his cheating for so long and you let him give you the blame- thats his way of consoling himself that its ok. There are definately some problems here. You need to gather some self esteem and kick him in to touch.

Answer 10

Yes. Your husband can't keep his trousers zipped up! It might not be the case that there is a problem in the marriage but that he brought his unfaithful tendancies into the marriage with him.