Is it over or can it be fixed?

Question

My boyfriend of three and a half years and I own a house have lived together for almost three years and now he drops a bomb shell. We have always said we wanted kids, but not while we were still young. So I have been taking the steps over the years to provide a home and finances for a child to come into our lives. But now that I am ready he says deep down he has wanted to wait because he really does not want to have kids. He would rather spend the money on trips and materialistic stuff. Where as I have always dreamed of being the stay at home wife and have created my business to be out of my home so that I could earn money and be at home for everyone. My question is he is now thinking we may just be to comfortable with each other and are really going separate ways. He is thinking of breaking up with me. Does anyone think that we can get over this and find a common ground or are we kidding ourselves and it was over awhile ago?

Answer 1

What bombshell? A single guy not wanting kids? That is just rational. The problem is that you've built what amounts to a marital relationship- but just neglected to get married. This IS the reason that playing house is a losing game for women. It's a sexist joke- But why SHOULD he buy the cow, when he's been getting the milk free for years? It IS possible that IF he has to actually decide, he will decide he does want to be married, and have a family. But, until he HAS to choose- he's happy playing house. Now, it's time for you to decide IF playing house is enough.

Answer 2

You're kidding yourself. I say self, not selves as he seems to be telling you he wants out but you're still wanting to hang on. It seems you both want different things out of life and that's not going to be fixed overnight. Sure he can get his way and you can decide not to have kids, but you will always resent him for killing your dream. You could get your way and get pregnant and have a family, but he will always feel like you trapped him and killed his independence.

Who knows why he led you to believe that he wanted kids. Maybe he really thought he did and it's a new revelation to him that he really doesn't, maybe he knew you wanted kids and didn't want to lose you so he told you what you wanted to hear or maybe he just isn't mature enough to make personal sacrifices and take on more adult responsibilities like helping raise a family and putting other's needs above his own (with the comment on him being materialistic, I would say it's probably the later). In any event, he's giving you clear signs that he either wants you to compromise what you want or he wants out.

You should get out now before this gets any messier than it already will be. You need to contact a lawyer about your options for disolving the house you own together and then consider the last 3 1/2 years a valuable lesson on making sure that the person you are involved with wants the same future that you want and not making financial ties that can't be easily broken until you are married.

Answer 3

no hes feeling pressured like most guys do . he has a right to change his mind and that's ok and one thing that u really have to understand is that he told u and he didn't hide it which means at least he didn't wait until u guys were in the process of having and had,had them and then decide this isn't working for me i still want to travel and buy things and dont want that just yet. u guys may need sum space this may be in ordered becuz right now u guys are on two different levels. and that's not a bad thing but with one wanting sum and the other doesn't it isn't gonna be right . i would say seriously sit down and try and talk to him if this isn't truly what he wants just tell him if u still want to be with him thats fine we will wait a little bit longer but note that this is sum thing u really want and not the next 7 or 8 years down the line and see were u get with this and i would just say go from there becuz he may not be the one in the end. and remember if u agree to this and say ok we will wait u cant hound him a year or a month or two down the road about having kids.

Answer 4

hmmmmm. Well ever think that maybe he has found someone else and just not telling u? The other thing that might be happening is that he may feel like you are pushing him into haveing a baby that he does not want or is scared to have.

The other thing is that you have not said how old you are. If under 30 then all males feel like its too early. If you are around 35 then you need to start because the female time line is slipping.

The bottom line is that its up to you. WE can not answer this question for you because we dont know the day to day operations that you guys have.

Answer 5

Children are a huge decision. If he really does not want to have kids, are you willing to give that up? It sounds as though you have your heart set on becoming a mother. Personally, I think it was cruel of him to tell you that he wanted children as well for the last three years. If he knew that he did not want to father a child, he should have been straight with you from the start! Perhaps you should just cut this guy loose. Find someone who will respect you enough to be honest with you. And for your own sake....do not have children with anyone that you are not married too!! If they can't commit to marrying you, they probably are not equipped to take on the commitment of being a parent.

Answer 6

Well that is a pretty big issue to just overlook even though you may have a lot of love for one another. But if you two truly love eachother why can't you sacrifice a little to give eachother what makes eachother happy?? If he is so adament about not having kids and you want kids- you may have to leave this relationship- because it doesnt encompass everything you want. Why is he breaking up w/you? When he clearly changed his mind? You need to beat this boy to the punch!

Answer 7

It's a good thing you found out he doesn't want children, before you married him. If you want them, you will have to find some else who also wants children. Because both need to want the children, because they are not easy to raise.

I also think people should have their children when they are young. When they have plenty of energy and vitality. Also they will still be fairly young, say in their 40's when the children are grown and moving out to college. That works out very well.
Because most people are better set financially in their 40's, and your children are grown so you can really enjoy your spouse and your freedom and ability to go and do and when your grand children arrive, you aren't so old that you can't enjoy them and even your great grandchildren.

Answer 8

If you want children and a family of your own, if this is important to you - then it is over. I would thoroughly discuss it with him though. My oldest daughter just went through the very same thing. Her boyfriend didn't want children, she tried for 9 months to live with the thought of never having children. They broke up and she is happily with a man now who loves family and the thought of growing old with her. In the mean time, the old boyfriend met another woman and they are getting married next month because they are starting a family. Who knows what people think sometimes. We can only share our experiences. (P.S. I am glad that I have kids)

Answer 9

You already know the answer to that one, loud and clear!!
And posting in the MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE section does not fit your question at all. he's your boyfriend, nothing more, and he's been totally and completely using you this entire time. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it's really obvious from an outsider's viewpoint.
He only said he wanted kids to keep you around for more using.

I would get out of there ASAP and get an attorney to start fighting for your share of that damned house you guys mistakenly bought together.

And one thing of advice for the future for you: please don't let a man stick his sausage in your panties again BEFORE being married! That'll save so much money, heartache, and time next time around.

Answer 10

You have to decide whether you can go on living with your boyfriend...and never having children. It was very dishonest of him to say that he initially wanted children and now he has gone back on his word. If you really want to be a mom one day...I say cut your losses and end the relationship. Your boyfriend is a selfish man and has no regard for your feelings. Don't give him the chance to break up with you...dump him first.