Am I foolish to help my ex-wife to be able to get on with her life by providing more than I am required by law

Question

We did no cheat on each other and basically we are both decent people. All my friends tell me I am making a huge mistake providing he for perpetual alimony. Is my decision based on stress and feel of gilt?. Or am I right to help her.
She is a teacher in Florida (they don't pay much here).

Answer 1

Well 10 years from now, maybe you're re-married, and maybe your income is down, maybe you have a kid with your new wife. How does that picture look financially (and otherwise)? What will your new wife say when you two are short on cash and your sending your ex money when you weren't required to?

Right now, you may be saying none of those things will happen, but guess what? They could.

Give her what is required by law, and if you want to do anything extra, do it when you can, with no agreement or paperwork tied to it.

You are both adults, you are both educated, and you both have jobs, and that means now that you've split up, you each have to take responsibility for your own lives.

Teacher was the profession she chose, and while noble, she has to live with the results of that decision - it's simply not your responsibility, and if you agree to perpetual alimony and put that in writing, you will most certainly regret it at some point in the future.

Answer 2

That is great that you would be willing to help her out as she gets on her own two feet. Just because the marriage didn't work doesn't meant you can't care about her enough to help her.

Just for a bit of protection, why not go by some months at a time... well, don't tell her that. For example, let her know you will help her out for the next six months. She will have some pressure that will motivate her to get her finances in order. If she is still not ready in those six months (and especially if she showed she was trying) then offer to help her out again for another three to six months but give her half of the amount of what you gave the first six months. Just so she feels the pressure that she can't rely on always getting money from you.

That is just an example though... do what works best for you.

Answer 3

There's nothing wrong with what you are doing, per se......... and a lot of it depends on her. If she sees it as a gift that could end at some point, than things are okay.

However, let's play this out............. let's say that you decide to stop giving her extra money prior to your alimony order ending... if you have such an order in existance. What would stop her from going to court and saying "Hey, I've been getting all the extra money from him, and I need it to continue, only now he is stopping. Please increase my alimony to the amount he's been paying instead of the amount that was ordered"

And then, you could be stuck.

It is a very nice thing that you are doing........... but you've fullfilled your karmic debt and as long as you pay at least what was ordered, there isn't any reason for you to pay extra. Its cool that you two are friends....... but money can make people do things that they wouldn't ordinarily do.

Answer 4

No one can say whether you are right or wrong but it sounds like you are a decent guy trying to do the best for your ex-wife. All I would say is, don't get caught in a situation where you could jeopardise a new relationship because of the old one still being there.
I wouldn't pay it perpetually, just for a certain period of time until she has her life back on track and can manage without your help.
Well done.

Answer 5

My husband offered 5 years of alimony because I was a great wife and mother, and supported him during graduate degrees, extensive foreign travel, and job transfers. I think I earned it because I gave up a lot for our family, and have to start over at the age of 41. If you have a similiar situation, then you did the right thing.

Answer 6

If the tables were turned, would she do this for you? That is the question you need to ask yourself.
The saying, stick your neck out on the line, you will only get it chopped off eventually.
I wouldn't do it. This was a split decision, you are only required what the law states- any extra is your own doing and if she in time screws you over in anyway, you can never get those extra's back- if she moves on to another guy, and has the support she needs- where will you be then? Regrets will surface. Sometimes it is okay to put yourself first in life. This is one of those times.

Answer 7

Don't give her perpetual alimony. What if you lose your job or go down on your luck?
Give her a lump sum now, and then you are done.
There's nothing wrong with giving more than half, my husband gave his ex all the house equity and he took the credit card debt, and nobody was cheating either, but he did make 75k a year more than she did.

Answer 8

My husband used to do this with his ex wife. It became a huge problem when we became a couple. After he and I became engaged, she still constantly called because she needed shoes, gas, electric bill money, food, car repair....etc. In essence he was still way toooooo tied to her for my comfort. He then stopped giving her extra money all of the time and that is how she came to resent me. They have children together and the hatred she felt for me affected the relationship between the children and I. What seems harmless now can cause major problems for you in the future.

Answer 9

I do not think that you are foolish, as long as you are not giving her a lot of money all the time, whenever she asks for it. I think that it shows that you are a wonderful person. You are showing that eventhough you two may not be married you do still care about her well-being. If you guys haven't been together for over a year, it is time to stop giving her money. One year is enough to get on your feet after divorce.

Answer 10

You are both single so she isn't your concern or burden anymore. If she could use some extra money, then make the money you give her a loan, and have something written out and signed by her to that affect.

You might be on good terms with her now but that may not always be the case. And you may feel that you can afford to give her more money now, but you might need it yourself later.