Down Syndrome test - What would you do, my husband and I have different views?

Question

Hi,
We have just come back from the doctors. my husband came into the appointment with me, and my doctor asked if we would like various tests which test for Down Syndrome. I said yes and am very greatful that this is available to us. I said however that I don't want to have an Amniocentisis as this can cause miscarriage. When we left I asked my husband what he thought about the tests and what he would want to do if it came back as high risk. He said that if that happened he would want us to have an abortion. I am furious. I know people have different views on this but I would never have an abortion for that reason. ijust want the tests so I can educate myself and prepare if needed.
I'm now seeing my husband in a different light and so confused.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
Many thanks,
Amy.

Answer 1

I think your husband is talking from fear and misconception. We all would like to have the "perfect" child, but that isn't always the case. I am the mom to 3 "perfect" boys and one of those boys happens to have an extra chromosome. Were we scared when we first found out?...you bet! but he was our son no matter what. Yesterday was school registration and pictures. My son is in early intervention preschool in our school district...when we walked into the building the teachers and staff came up to him and were saying 'hi' and he was passing out hugs to them all...everyone loves him and they all enjoy having him in the school.
My husband kind of felt the same way yours does (he thought about abortion in the beginning)...it is fear talking. fear of the unknown, fear of bringing a child with special needs into a sometimes harsh world, fear of not knowing what to expect. But I have to say these past 3 1/2 years or so have been a joy...I am not going to say they are easy, raising any child is never easy. When I see the two of them together it is really amazing...our son has taught both of us patience and understanding and the love he shows to all is remarkable...those gifts I thank God for everyday. I also see a husband who is proud of his son and gets so excited when he reaches his milestones, but most of all I see a father who loves his son.
As for the tests...well...they are just screenings to determine your chances of having a child with DS...they are not accurate. the only sure way of knowing ahead of time is to have an amnio or a cvs sampling and you stated that you don't want to do that...so my opinion is...don't bother with the tests. why get all worked up about something that is not 100% accurate?

Answer 2

Remember the blood test and ultrasound tests aren't 100% sure, so if your tests do come back high risk, don't do anything until you've had an amnio to make sure!

Anyway, my husband and I were faced with this question also and we refused ALL tests... he simply agreed with me, that if there was something wrong with the baby we wouldn't abort. It wasn't a big surprise to me that he thought that way, because he's totally against abortion.

However, my husband did want me to get an amnio (at first) because he wanted to be prepared in case there's something wrong with the baby. The doctor explained the risks and he changed his mind.

I think it's a normal reaction for some men to say 'abort' they do not have a connection to the baby yet. If (and this is a BIG IF) there is something wrong with the baby, he will probably change his mind once he sees his child. Blood crawls where we can't walk - his love for his child will win out in the end. Besides, he can't force you to have an abortion, so just refuse.

I am a big believer in communication between husband and wife. You see your husband differently now, so tonight (or whenever) just sit down and calmly ask him why he said abortion so quickly and easily. Explain to him that you're already in love with your child and there's no way you will abort, even if he does have Down's. Ask him to consider your feelings, but also listen to his - without being judgemental. I agree this is a tough one, I would've immediately judged my husband if he said the same to me and I would've been livid too.

I hope you get this sorted out... I'm sure your baby will be fine, but those words are out of his mouth now and has changed things between you. You need to resolve whatever has changed and find a way to adapt to make your marriage work - you have a child on the way and all strains before its birth should be sorted, because children puts a lot of strain on a relationship.

I know this is probably not the answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps you all the same.

Answer 3

We were asked this because of recurrent miscarriage and we refused all tests because our child would be loved no matter what. We didn't even have the triple test because what was the point if we were intending to keep our baby no matter what the results and decided we didn't need the extra stress of a risk grading.
Most people would probably say what your husband has. I have been fortunate that I have worked with children with Downs and I am so lucky to have had that privilege. Most people are terrified of the unknown, but once you see a baby on a scan and reality hits, many change their views.
All the best x

Answer 4

As a general rule they do not give an amneo unless the other test results show a problem. The tests are not just for downs syndrome they can detect a full range of abnomalities from a cleft pallet to much more sever deformaties. My friends had these tests and then had an amneo and found that the baby was severely deformed and unlikely to live after birth. They had to make the horrible decision to terminate. You are not in that situation so please dont pile a bunch of pressure on yourself and your partner imaging a situation that you are not yet in. If you are extremely unfortunate and find there is a problem, then together you, your partner and the doctors will need to make some decisions based on the diagnosis not based on a problem that does not exist. Good luck with your results, I am sure they will be fine.

Answer 5

Given that people with Down's Syndrome are the most gentle, caring people I've ever known I have to wonder why anyone would want to abort such a child? I'm not a parent so can't speak from personal experience, but personally if I was ever in such a situation the only time I would consider an abortion is if the child would be so physically or mentally abnormal that they couldn't enjoy a decent level of living. Ethical issues aside, if the child can't enjoy it's life is it fair to bring it into this awful world? Children born with Down's Syndrome can appreciate a quality of life and for that reason it wouldn't be right to have an abortion.
You're doing the right thing, but your husband is probably scared of how he'll cope. He may even be afraid of how he will be judged as a father if his child isn't "perfect". Whatever the outcome, you really need to discuss this before you make possibly the worst decision of your lives.

Answer 6

Those tests have a high rate of being incorrect. My husband's aunt was told nothing was wrong - well, her daughter has Down syndrome. False positives are even more common. You'd hate to always wonder if you'd terminated a perfectly healthy child. Personally, I refused the tests because, like you, I would not have had the amnio to confirm. No sense in spending several months worrying over something that might not even be there. I'm also a special ed teacher, so I know I would've been prepared to handle a child with special needs (as much as one can be prepared for that, anyway). I would never terminate for any reason, so I didn't see any point in getting all worked up over the tests. I just said "no thanks" and the doctor dropped it.

Answer 7

Congrats on your pregnancy and also congrats on the sensible attitude you have to having the tests done - " i just want the tests so I can educate myself and prepare if needed."

It's a hard question as I've never been in your situation but I have talked hypothetically about it with my husband and he said the same thing yours did to have an abortion.

I too couldn't believe he could say such a thing and we had a huge argument but after I had calmed down he sat down and explained his views and thoughts and the fact that he would be most worried about me and our future child as this world is still not a disabled friendly place.

I know it's hard but sit down with your hubby and listen to each others point of view. I'm sure he's not saying it to be mean, he's thinking of you and all the extra work and heart ached you'd go through.

If you're tests came back as high risk I would have the amnio just to be sure then you could prepare yourselves for the baby.

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Answer 8

Raising a child with any sort of disability - especially one with a moderate form of mental retardation - is a major responsibility and would mean a drastic life change for you guys. Someone mentioned "they're so sweet" and, certainly, Downs folks are very kind and gentle people in general. But your child would not be a pet. This is a person you'd need to raise to be as independent in the world as possible.

But... you're just talking about a test, so it's all theoretical. Your husband is probably just voicing some stresses and insecurities about becoming a father. It's an emotional time. Why ruin an otherwise happy time in your marriage over something that's not even a reality?

Answer 9

I dont think anyone else can make this decision for you but i do think your husband may be scared of the results and even though he,s mentioned abortion no one knows until unless their given the devastating news that theres something wrong with their baby what decisions they,ll make.My husband and i are expecting a baby that has a terminal condition and if we get till 40weeks our baby die within days of birth .My babys condition was found at a scan at 14 weeks but i,d already made the choice not to have this test .As we already have pefectly heathly kids we didnt think it could happen to us!!!!!.I always thought if i ever found myself in this situation i would terminate but everything changes when it happens to you i just knew i would love my baby for the time we had.If someone told me my baby had downs syndrome i would think Is that all?at least the baby would be able to have a quality of life.If you want this test go ahead you have every chance of having a "perfect "baby but if you,re given bad news at least you can prepare ,I,m glad i know I will make the most of every second i,m pregnant or have my baby

Answer 10

I haven't been in that situation as my husband and I agreed not to talk about the outcome of the screening tests before we had the results back, luckily they came back low risk so we never had to go there. Try not to be furious with your husband, he is not carrying the baby and he has no idea what bond you already have with it. Don't let this cause trouble between you before you even have the results back. He has no idea how he would feel if they did come back high risk so he can only speculate on his feelings, if they did come back high risk he might change his views about the abortion. No-one can second guess how they would feel in that situation.

Try to keep calm as stress is not good for the baby and just wait for your test results. Don't go down that road with your husband until you have to - and hopefully you never will. Good luck hun.