How do you persuade an ex to let you know where he is taking your children?

Question

I've asked this before and was surprised to see that many people think this is acceptable. That aside, my friend is distraught. Her ex-husband insists that she has no right to know - but as a parent, she needs to know where her children are. Even if they are in the same country.
Recently he took them camping at the time of the floods. She was beside herself with worry.
How does she calmy persuade him to share this information, purely from a parental point of view.
BTW - she isn't a control freak - in fact, that shoe is on the other foot.

No, she is the custodian. The divorce hasn't been finalised though. and really, he is the one who causes harassment - he does this kind of thing to upset her. But she is trying to be accommodating and keepthe peace.

She refuses to contact him unless it involves the children. She does not contact him for any other reason. She is not harassing him in any way.

I don't understand why people are so convinced that all she wants to do is spoil "his" time with the children. The children should not be in the middle. It would be far more polite if he said: I am taking the children to xyz on this date and we will be back on this date.
She has never ever contacted him, disapproves of giving her young children mobile phones. I just don't understand this.
Her lawyer doesn't seem to think it is a problem either and has brushed her concerns aside.
I wouldn't let my kids go off with my own true loving husband without know where they are.

|Yes, he knows where they are. They live in the house he walked away from (he's refused to give her his new address, and uses his mother's to communicate from, although he does not live there). They had a caravan, where she has spent every holiday since the children were babies. And she wouldn't have a problem telling him where they are, if he asked.

Answer 1

Wow... this guy sounds like a DICK!

My girl-friend was in a similar situation to this a couple of years ago with her son, I don't have any kids of my own but I can tell you what worked for her... They sat down camly and rationally and worked out an agreement, As long as the kids were at the house or within a 15-20 minute driving range of the house she didn't need to know what they were up too as long as he knew full responsibility on his part to keep them safe etc., 30 min. or further the KIDS were to call their mom and let them know where they would be going phone, emergency contact numbers etc., The time thing may not work out for her as she seems she'd like to know where her kids will be at all times with him, but maybe she can sit him down and explain to him she's not there to make his life hard, she wants to know for the best interest of their kids, and she'll mutually return the favor if he'd like, don't have her shove it down his throat it will only make it worse, but she could definetley try this approach adjusting it of course to her standards, tell herbest wishes and best of luck from me, I know sometimes how hard it can be to deal with an ex, and I'm sure kids on top of it only make things a million times worse <3

Answer 2

This can be written into the separation agreement and I'm surprised that it wasn't in the case of your friend. If the agreement has not been signed and approved by the judge then your friend should insist that a formal notice of travel be made before the child can leave the state. You should have your friend word it any way she wants. Of course it would work both ways so your friend would have to to the same.
The beauty of putting directives like this into the separation agreement is that if one of the parties does not comply it becomes a contempt of court issue. You should always know where your children are for their own safety.
My Ex likes to keep secrets about where she's going which is fine because we're through anyway. In the case of our son it's too important that his location be known at all time.
If your friend is serious about this then she should go back to her lawyer and fight for it to happen. Issues that relate to the best interest of the child can be brought to the court at any time even after other issues of the settlement have been agreed on.
Good luck to your friend.

Answer 3

OK, while I understand where you and your friend are coming from, I have a question for you. Does he know where the kids are at all times when they are with her? I can almost bet the answer is no. In Virginia, the non custodial is to give the custodial parent the general area the kids are going to be in, but does not have to give specifics. The reason for this is when the non custodial has visitation, the kids are in the non custodial's custody. Maybe other states do things differently. If he's going to be out of the area then I am pretty sure he is required by law to tell your friend where the kids will be. Out of the state, he has to have written permission since she is custodial.

Answer 4

I have been through this. I had custody. I did it as a courtesy. But I recommend that when the time comes that it is in the court documents (settlement) to the effect that if either is going to take the children to a place than the "normal" places...church, shopping, home, that it needs to be communicated.
But until court comes, then maybe she should start by..."I am taking the children to __________. I just wanted to let you know, so if you called and we weren't home, you wouldn't worry". See if he gets the hint. Then if this doesn't work in a couple of weeks, then she should ask him to tell her.

Answer 5

I think it is unacceptable for a parent (with whom the children live) to be unaware of where they are or to at least have a means of contacting them. If the children are too young to have mobile phones of their own, then that means that their father MUST inform their mother of where they are and/or how to contact them.

I don't know how one persuades the father of this if he does not (will not) accept that he is bound by that but I would suggest consulting a lawyer so that she understands her legal position, and his.

Answer 6

my xhubby was kinda the same way, try letting the kids or herself , call a day or two ahead of them going over there and to verify time and that there still going tell her to give a little small talk about what's been going on with the kids all week and try to get him to bring it up in conversation( more bees with honey ...)i'm sure she knows how to " handle " him. some times us girls just gotta make the boys do right if all else fails turn to the attorneys.

Answer 7

If the children aren't put in harms way then she should stop worrying.

I agree she does need to know where the children in cases of emergency and her ex should communicate with her properly about where, when and for how long, so long as she is not constantly checking up on them.

Answer 8

as a mother she has the right to know where and what her children are doing.even if he feels it is harassment.She could mention something at the next custody hearing.She also needs to realize that [keeping the peace] is not always possible when it comes to her children.

Answer 9

if the divorce isn't finale get attorney to amend your visitation rules of the kids..and clearly stipulate u want advance knowledge & notice.of the location....id want to know where my kids are at all times, regardless of who they are with... she has every right to know.. if he takes them out of the country a passport application must have her knowledge and consent of the application..If passport is already in hand, make sure he has her consent.in writing i believe if he travels alone with the kids, boarder crossings and airports will (should) question him. and he as to provide proof in writting, that she is aware of thier travel plans...but again, if he travels with another woman, this may be overlooked...Clearly this man obviously feels the need to hide something from her...("something is not right on the coast of Denmark") (british expression) I urge you to seek legal council ASAP.i wish you luck your well rid of this controll freek

Answer 10

get the children a cell phone were she can be in contact but don't go nuts with it,and ruin the time they have with the father,or have it written in the divorce that she is to be told were the are then he has no choice