what do you think about this poem "the one"?

Question

dont take

before i lay in bed
and shut my eyes
i pray to the lord
my god
my savior
and the one who gets me through everything
the one who listens when no one else will
hes the one who helps me when my brother scares me
and says he wants to kill himself
he gets me through the times i feel like crap about for lying
i pray to him whenever my friends are in trouble
i get his support when my parents have nothing better to do
than yell at me
and when i come home and i just need to get something off my chest
hes always there
and always will be
i know that no matter what
he wont judge me
because no matter what its about
sex, drugs, alcohol
anything
he wont care,
he will listen to me
and he will forgive me for anything
because he knows that i love him
and would never do anything to disappoint him
he knows i always feel bad
he sees me crying every night
because all the pain inside of me
because he is the most powerful
one in the world
and he is my lord
my savior
and he will be
till the day i di

Answer 1

I appreciate the message in this. If you wanted to, I think you could make it stronger on a rewrite. It's up to you, but when you gave the line about your brother scaring you that was much stronger than a lot of the other lines because you were specific. Go back over this poem, and think of specific things. When you lie about what? When your parents yell at you about what? Things like that. There are some other things you could do to strengthen this, but in a general sense writing, poetry, is better when the author is specific. Just give it some thought see what you think. Again, I like the message you write about here.

Take care

Answer 2

I think the poem is heartfelt and honest...however, to be truthful, it's not a poem, it's prose. Why? because if you take away the line breaks, it reads like a paragraph...that's prose. If you'd said,

"before repose, with eyes closed,
I call upon my lord, my God, my savior,
the one who makes my life
break through the fog of dispair,
who listens when no one else is there
and helps me when my brother
contemplates the end of his days..."

It would say the same thing, but it would create images instead of just relaying facts. Remember, you want to make us "see" what you see, "feel" what you feel, "experience" what you experience, not just "read" what you have to say...when you do that, it's just prose.

I'll be if you sat down and tried to condense what you said in your original poem in only 10 lines, you not only could do it, but it would do it in a clearer way...sometimes more words only serves to diminish what you have to say...in poetry, many times less really is more.

You are a brave girl with a big heart...paint us a picture with your words and save the extra words for your diary.

...and keep writing

Answer 3

Lots of Respect towards this piece....Really Nice i like it

Answer 4

poetry, schmoetry?
tell it like the story it is and get on with it.
this is a story.
write it.
that's how i see it.
what are you trying to do?
just write it.

Answer 5

You have a good heart and I admire and respect your trust in God.