My husband going to different way because he want to be able to do whatever he want?

Question

We've been married for 8 years. He used to be so caring, loving, understanding and gentle. Now it has been 6 months that he change to be a very selfish, ignorance and cold hearted person. He barely spend time with me or left alone our son. He snapped at me when he had bad day at the office (and it's been going on for 3 months now), I have to be careful to say anything to him cos otherwise he will just get upset and starting to scream at me, and he told me that I won't be ablet to stop him to do whatever he want (drinking, going out and coming home late plus not spending time with his family), and the worst part is that when he got upset with me he also get upset with our 4 years old son.
Two weeks ago he told me to either accept it or get out from the house with our son and today he told me that if I said anything about him doing whatever he want, then he will torture me even more. My husband want all the free time that he has for himself and himself only. Help me.

Answer 1

You describe certain facts that suggest that your husband doesn't love you anymore, and yet you still love him desperately.


- Did you get married out of mutual love?


People don't stop loving each other just like that. Falling out of love is a process, like falling in love. It may be a long process, and, if you look at it carefully and sincerely, with your eyes wide open, you will be able to see and understand what brought you both to this situation in your marriage.

It is always important, even necessary, to look back in order to understand the roots of the current problem.

Here are some questions that may clarify what I mean by 'trying to look back in order to understand':

1. When you got married, what was the contract between you and your husband? On what basis did you make your emotional commitment? What were your mutual expectations?

2. Have these expectations been satisfied or answered, or have you been disappointed?

3. What kind of relationship do you manage to have now?
- How do you communicate?
- Do you talk openly to each other or do you keep your feelings to yourselves? - Do you share thoughts that may make you feel uneasy, like fear, jealousy, anger, lack of confidence etc.?
- Or do you communicate through negative and bad thoughts or feelings, more than through love, openness, appreciation, reinforcement etc.?
- Are you aware of having conflicts between you and are these conflicts put on the table?
- Or is everything 'under the carpet'?
- When you argue (if you argue), how do you end your fights?
- Are you able to apologize and resolve the fight?
- How do you make up?
- Do you share common interests?
- How is your sexual life together? Is it worse than it was at the beginning and, if yes, why?
- Besides your marital relationship, how is your life in general? Are you satisfied with it?

After asking yourself all those questions, my suggestions to you are:

1. Stop being desperately depressed and start to look at reality as it is. Despair, depression, and self-pity are overwhelming you and paralyzing you from reacting and doing something to make a change.

2. Have the courage to open a dialogue with your husband to discuss the issues which bother you, but present yourself as a thinking and rational woman, not as a desperately depressed wife. Tell him what you are willing to do in order to keep the marriage, and what you are not willing to take anymore. And of course, listen to what your husband has to say.

3. This can be the beginning of a new contract between you, based on expectations that are more realistic. Have the courage to see what is wrong in your relationship and to evaluate the things that you want and can change.

4. Start to live your life: invest yourself in work, studies, hobbies, friends, family etc. Take care of yourself by doing exercise, eating well and thinking positive thoughts to give you strength to continue and prevent despair and depression. You can become an active participant in your life by choosing to do what feels good for you.

Answer 2

This has all the classic sign that you hubby has met someone and is showing you his a-- cause he knows after all the years you have been there for him he cant just walk in a say I want a divorce without giving up his hand. He is being an abusive jack--- because you don't know there is another woman. If he treats you bad enough and you get out or ask him to leave then the coward got you to do what he cant do for himself. It is time for you to seek a lawyer find out what your options are don't tell him either. When you get sick enough of him abusing you and your 4 year old file papers. Try to find out who he is seeing check phone bills cell number text messages be smart the more evidence you have he is cheating the better the divorce settlement. I have a co-worker who gets alimony for life unless she gets married again (that will never happen). I am sorry for you but this all feels and sounds like many situations around me and in every case there was another woman. When they go from loving to son-of-a-bi--- if you know what I mean a woman is somewhere in the picture. MOVE ON YOU DESERVE BETTER.

Answer 3

Sorry to hear about this! I do have a few suggestions......
1. Leave a small note in his wallet that say I love you & I miss my best friend! ( He will realize that you do care & need him)
2. Write him a love note.
3. Leave him a naughty voice message!
4. Get a sitter for two hours.....It's very important to have time without kids.
5. When you do get him alone....Don't bring up him not coming home. Mention thing like.....I miss tucking you in at night, I feel lonely without you by my side,( men love to hear how much they are needed & that they are good at something......being a hard worker, providing a woderful home for the family, great at softball.
6. Always use WILL or WOULD you....instead of CAN or COULD....It's a mental thing with men!! To hard to explain but trust me it works. WILL you pick you the baby from daycare, WOULD you please empty the trash, Would you come straight home today, I'll have dinner waiting & I will be your dessert!!HEHEHE.

Best Wishes,
Melinda

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Answer 4

If your husband wants all the free time, then give it to him.
Take your son, and get away from your husband.
Did you ever hear the saying "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it"?
You need to get away from him if this is the way he's going to act.
It's not good for you or your son.
You would be better off all by yourself.
Sometimes when we get what we want, we realize that it really wasn't what we wanted.
Once he's all by himself, he may come to realize he doesn't want his life with out you.
And if he doesn't come to realize that, then it's better that you got away from him so you can build yourself a whole new, happy life.

Good luck
I know it's not easy to leave, but it's also not easy to live like this either.

Answer 5

it sounds like to me he may be having an affair on you ! sorry to tell you that! or he could have some single friends ragging on him about being hen pecked and thats why he keeps telling you you cant tell him what to do or what not to do ! he is trying to regain his man hood! and i would call him on it and i would leave with youre son and see what or how he acts then! go to a familys house for a week or two! because you know the old saying you never know what you had until you loose it! good luck in life and youre marriage and true happiness

Answer 6

Sweet Pea this is really hurtful. I mean I can understand him having a bad day but it seems like he just want to be free and rid of the marriage. At this point you can't do anything but love him inspite of. Can you get him to a point were he will communicate with you with out fussing, if so do this and talk to him and see what the problem really is? Good luck!

Answer 7

It isn't a safe place for you or your son. Your husband is abusive already, so it could only get worse. If I were you, I would take my child and leave him as soon as possible. This man is worth much more in child support, than in being a husband and a father to his child. Get a divorce, sweetheart. So you and your child can start enjoying a normal life among normal people.

Answer 8

Could be he recently got himself a drug or alcohol problem, or maybe steroids (rage). That makes things tough at work too, so maybe the drugs are stressing him at work, which is why he doesn't want to talk about work. Too bad he's closed off communication with you - if you want to re-open the channel, you will have to start non-confrontational, get his feelings about going out and what he's enjoying about it, and see if you can't ptovide some of that at home.

Answer 9

I think he's hooking up with somebody else, and the angry act is so he doesn't have to face guilt over it. You need to protect yourself legally, and if you show the gumption to get a lawyer and go up against him, he may have a change of heart. But no matter what he does, make sure that you at least get a POST nuptual agreement through your lawyer. I'm assuming that you don't have a pre-nup.

Answer 10

You don't say if he has gotten physical with you or your son, if he has report it to the police. I would talk to a lawyer, I have news for him, he will be the one moving so you will have a home to raise your son in. If he truly wants his freedom you can't stop him, but you can divorce him and make him pay support for his child. And if he really wants his freedom, you don't need him.