Runaway out of this place.
Away, away from disgrace.
Runaway to a far land.
Can anyone else understand.
Runaway to somewhere, where I can be sane.
Able to hide from all but my brain.
2007-08-07 16:57:35 · 15 answers · asked by kidfisher420 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
It's good, but oh so sad..
2007-08-07 17:02:58 · answer #1 · answered by Poetry 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Technical views:
-AABB is not the most creative rhyme scheme ever. If I remember correctly, Shakespeare makes fun of it...
-Line 2 "Away, away" does not seem to work when spoken, but I may just not have the 'gift'.
-Lines 3 and 4 do not share the same meter, as far as I can tell. It feels somewhat disruptive. Inserting "far away land" could help, but the second away conflicts with runaway.
-"Understand?" Question mark, not period. If your going to use punctuation, use it right.
-The double where ("somewhere, where") messes up the the rhythm. Additionally, your meter on line5-6 is decoupled.
Content views:
-It reminds me of a linkin park or papa roach song. I don't particularly get a "Run away" feel from it. More like a "curl up under the stairs and scream at the voices" sorta vibe.
-My favorite line by far is "able to hide from all but my brain". In fact, I think it stands alone.
Overall view:
Not too shabby.
2007-08-08 00:10:08 · answer #2 · answered by TSSA! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are once again hit by the short couplet syndrome. If you add beats you'll delay the effect and maybe even get a better rhythm...for example:
Run away, run away, out of this place
Away, away, from red-faced disgrace
Run away, run away, to a far away land
Is there anyone out there who can understand?
Run away...somewhere, where I can be sane
And able to hide...from all but my brain
You can see how the concept of the poem remains, even most of the lines resemble the original..the biggest thing changed was to use the power of echoed words you showed in the second line. Also, because of the rhymed couplets, the repetative words made the couplets less "rhymy" and the meter assisted in carrying the longer lines without tiring. These are all lessons that apply to any poem.
keep writing
2007-08-09 01:31:04 · answer #3 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Like It! As for some of the comments... You can analyze poetry all you wish, say how it should be.. You can criticize the form, that it's A.A.B.B.. Well, not all are schooled on the rhythm of the lines, so respect these poets, for just expressing their minds. Keep up the good work.
2007-08-08 12:44:25 · answer #4 · answered by Jonny B 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bad, only because it reminds me of my middle school poem days. I thought AABB rhyming was cool, along with acting like you're alone in the world.
2007-08-08 00:03:44 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good. Yes, I can understand. You don't have to hide from your brain. You can redirect its thoughts.
The poem's terse and precise.
2007-08-08 15:49:41 · answer #6 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In this particular instance, I think you should run away from your brain.
To be honest, it ticks me off. I think you can write better than this. Why? I don't know. It just sounded damn lazy.
2007-08-11 22:57:25 · answer #7 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its very good, deep. but dont let the whole AABB ryhme scheme limit you. not all poems have to ryhme. (as im sure u know) be as free as u want with your writing. :)
~em
2007-08-08 00:12:18 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is short but covers a depth of dispair.
2007-08-08 00:07:29 · answer #9 · answered by fuzzykitty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Brain was
Dreamed over...
One more tonight...
Stop your running
For nice dream...
Not good for your body...
Very good for your brain...
2007-08-08 00:47:09 · answer #10 · answered by otteri selvakumar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Awesome!!! Poetry is a good outlet. This one is my favorite.
2007-08-08 12:22:34 · answer #11 · answered by jenndolphin13 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋