Like wind blowing, through my head.
CHAOS
Enough said,
NO
Is chattered from one thousand souls dead.
Rapid pumping, inside my chest.
CHAOS
Can't be protected by a bullet proof vest.
YES
In my life, it has gotten the best.
2007-08-07 16:40:49 · 5 answers · asked by kidfisher420 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I'm going to be honest with you and not just sucj up and say it's great.
I like the style and how you have the line breaks.
For me though, it was a bit hard to read. Some of the lines didn't flow well and I had to pause and reread it to get the meaning you were portraying. I think you really have something here with this unique stlye, I just think you need to do a rewrite or two until you get it completely perfect.
Good luck and feel free to e-mail me for more help rewriting.
Hope that helped. :]
2007-08-07 19:33:56 · answer #1 · answered by ♫Kelsey♫ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, again, it has promise...here's a few suggestions:
I'd put a question mark after "enough said"..I'd also think about changing the last line of the first stanza..."chattered" is a weak word, so is "like"...and "one thousand souls dead" is an oxymoron..."souls" don't die. However, you could say, "Is mouthed by a thousand undead" With exclamation points, it would look like this:
Hell's wind blowing, through my head
CHAOS!
Enough said?
NO!
Is mouthed by a thousand undead
Now you need a counterpoint to Chaos, since you've chosen to counterpoint "no" with "yes"...also, "rapid" will need to agree with what replaces "chaos"...also, line length comes into play...your bullet proof vest line is too long to mirror "enough said"...how about this:
Faithful pumping, inside my chest
ORDER!
Doing your best
YES!
Can't be protected by a bullet proof vest
This may not be the best rewrite, but I hope it gives you some idea on how to create point/counterpoint stanzas that mirror one another.
keep writing
2007-08-09 01:42:55 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The last line caught me off guard. I am not sure what it means. And, therefore, ambivalent to the poem.
2007-08-08 15:54:02 · answer #3 · answered by Marguerite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
really good i could feel ur emotion i give it a 10 on a one to ten scale. well done!
2007-08-07 23:49:12 · answer #4 · answered by gypsywoman99 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it.
The point gets across nicely.
2007-08-07 23:52:17 · answer #5 · answered by SHARON 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋