Crash. Boom. Bang.
Your mess. Your fault.
I pick up the pieces.
We live in one world, yet two.
Never crossing paths.
9 o'clock. 10 o'clock. 11 o'clock. Midnight.
I can hear the silence.
No sun after your storm.
Crash. Boom. Bang.
My mess. My fault.
You always pick up the pieces.
I know it doesnt rhyme, its abstract. But I wrote it after a fight with my best guy friend. Honestly, what do you think?
2007-08-07 08:09:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Very nice. I think you did a good job with putting your thoughts together.
If you play with your metaphors, I think you could create some very inventive poems.
Good luck.
2007-08-07 08:13:29 · answer #1 · answered by AlexAtlanta 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The concept is good...even the execution is not bad. Punctuation in line two...maybe either a comma or a semi-colon...tough call because you used periods in the first line...so it might work as it is, but I'd change the 9 o'clock line to read: "9 until midnight" and drop "can" for the next line so it reads simply "I hear the silence"...and I think you'd have more impact if you changed the last line to read "would you pick up the pieces?"
Make the changes, especially the last line (so it goes somewhere) and I think you'll have a strong little poem on your hands :)
keep writing
2007-08-11 02:39:07 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad...keep writing. Read some great poets like Wallace Stevens, T.S. Eliot and W.B Yeats.
2007-08-07 15:12:57 · answer #3 · answered by astralpen 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
on a scale 1-10 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest its about an 8 yes i have to admidt it is a good poem do you like it? the only way some one else could like it is if you like it your self im only 13 yrs. and i like to write write poems and stories and stuff and i know if it dont like my stories or poems how and some one else like it? iknow im only 13 and if you got this and i didnt tell you how old i was you'd think that i'd be much older huh?
2007-08-07 15:21:30 · answer #4 · answered by Snowhiteyes 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yeah. It's good but it would souns better if it was longer and had more description words for your feelings which you felt on that night.
<3 Love xSour
2007-08-07 15:14:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its alright. If it rings true for you, then that is what matters. I think you could dig a little deeper though. Paint a clearer picture, even if that picture is emotional...
2007-08-07 15:49:19 · answer #6 · answered by Danni 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not bad, and all poems do not have to rhyme.
2007-08-07 19:24:45 · answer #7 · answered by kingleo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its really good but i don't know about that guy who said it was his.
2007-08-07 15:13:03 · answer #8 · answered by Melissa (rox my sox) 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
DOESN'T WORK FOR ME...SORRY...
YOU ASKED FOR AN HONEST OPINION, THEN YOU GOT SNOTTY WHEN IT WASN'T WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR....DIDN'T REALLY WANT THE HONEST OPINION DID YOU??
2007-08-07 15:22:30 · answer #9 · answered by str8talker 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't really like it... sorry.
2007-08-07 15:13:46 · answer #10 · answered by girlnextdoor409 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋