Help! What Do You Do WHen Your Ex Wants To Be Friends after you end it?...?

Question

My ex calls and calls and he left me? I want to answer, and when I do, we fight and I feel like Sh--it! Even worse than before he rang. How can I get the emotional courage to stop him? Deep down I want him to still love me, but he says he doesn't. Any intelligent reasonable experience based answer welcome.:}

Answer 1

somebody who believes in re-incarnation might say you guys still have some karma to work out together from a past life or lives. Somebody who believes in the western psychotherapeutic model might say it's an obsessive, co-dependent relationship and you're trying to work out childhood based conflicts with members of your own families i(such as your own parents, for example) through this tempestuous relationship you've been having with one another...both theories are actually more similar than one might think. . The thing to remember is that even if something is karmic, you always have free will. Even if something is seemingly imposssible to extricate yourself from because you are both unconsciously working out early childhood based conflicts you've had with members of your own families, you don't have to stay on that not-so-merry-go-round until you both end up totally nauseated by the ride.

The important thing to realize is that sometimes it's better to just build up your own strength by developing yourselves as individuals...by re-connecting with old, healthier relationships with friends you each had before you met one another, by making new friends, taking courses, taking a trip to a foreign country, learning a new language, taking up mountain climbing...whatever....You both can either continue on a path which is going to cause you to crash and burn and waste valuable moments of your lives on a never-ending roller coaster of impassioned torment, or you can open up your eyes and minds and realize there's a whole world out there full of possibilities and new experiences which are not as painful as the one you are both currently choosing to be in.

Having said all this, i am only two well aware of how hard it is to get out of these obsessive/compulsive, destructive, dysfunctional relationships once they're in progress. They can be all consuming and take on lives of their own and sometimes make us want to take our own lives as well. But that's not really a solution....i've been there, tried that...it's not something that really ultimately helps anybody. If you believe in reincarnation as i have for some years now, you also have to realize that if you give up, next time your soul comes back here to "earth school" you get held back and you have to repeat that "grade" all over again until you get it right. And that can be a drag, let's face it.

What i finally had to do in my own life when i was involved in one of these doomed-to-fail relationships (with a married women in my case) was to get into another relationship (with another married woman, but one who was ready to get divorced at least). Then i ended up becoming a father, started taking medication for my lifetime depressive disorder as a result, something i'd never been willing to do before so i'd be a good father and not terrorize my son (and my wife who at that time i was still in love with).

Then, a few years after my son was born, my wife got involved with another dude, who was an abusive alcoholic but whom she still chose over me for some reason. So a few months ago, i finally became an ex-husband, and things haven't been too pleasant lately.

Getting kicked out of my house because legally it belongs to my wife and having to live in my car has been a challenge, to say the least. But i have a son, now, and even though i originally never wanted to be a father (or somebody's "spouse" for that matter) he's the biggest gift i could ever have received from the universe and i consider myself to be the luckiest person alive even though my wife and her boyfriend did some very nasty things to me. So there are always compensations, regardless of how sh**ty things can get.

So now i'm living in my car which is where i am presently writing this on my laptop, but that's okay too, because it's just another phase, and the nature of phases is that they don't last forever.

All i can tell you is that there are bigger things out there than the relationship you guys seem to be stuck in right now, and the universe has a way of letting you know that, sooner or later. My ex-wife reinforced something i think i had always known: my life does not need to be "completed" by someone else...i like having other compatible souls around...but if they are just going to make my life a living hell, i don't care what reason there might be for me to be involved with them....i don't need 'em.

When the time is right, you will both. be taught what you need to know about what's really important in life. The way i learned was by becoming a parent and discovering what love really is, not just the kind of co-dependent destructive type which usually causes people from f***ed up family backgrounds such as mine a lot of misery, but the pure, God -sent type of love which i think you will find some day if you just keep your hearts open. I have nothing but sympathy for your struggle. I've been there and i know how gut wrenchingly painful it can be. You may think it will totally consume you, but you actually have the power to prevent that from happening, believe it or not. Someday you'll come out this whole mess and be a much stronger person. I know this sounds like a bunch of cliche-ridden BS, but i wouldn't say it if i hadn't experienced it myself. I know i'm a much stronger person than i used to be. A more pissed-off person maybe, but stronger. And that's okay. Nobody ever died from anger. It has a way of transforming into wisdom, if you let it. And like everything else, it passes eventually. Just part of being human, i think. Sadness and anger are flip sides of the same coin. If we didn't experience them, we couldn't experience happiness or love either. So it's okay to have them. It's all about balance, you have to take the good with the bad. There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

Okay, i think i've run out of cliches not. But be strong and if you don't think you're getting the love from somebody else that you deserve....try something radical. Start giving it to yourself. You'd be surprised at what that does for you. I suspect that you're much too nice of a person to be beating up on yourself by staying in a sad situation such as this. One last thing that i've learned in my five decades here this time around: everything's cyclical. It make take a little time, but things will come around again and your life will be a lot happier than you can imagine right now when that happens...Be strong,...and remember who you are, not who you think others want you to be. You have your own reason(s) for being here...they need to figure out their own.

Answer 2

I don't see any problems if you want to be friends with him, but is it just friendship you seek or do you want him back in your life because you feel lonely and want the feeling of being in a relationship. The thing is you 2 just broke up and you are kinda having second thoughts because you are worried that you will never find anybody else. I did the same thing in my first relationship. He was the first guy i ever dated and I did not start dating until the end of my sophomore year. Not because I was never asked out, but because I was WAY SHY and every time a friend would come up to me and be like this guy wants your phone number I would lie or just hide. I was really shy. When i started dating him I felt important and when it ended i felt awful. I thought the world was gonna end. Im being honest when I tell you that I thought I was never going to be in another relationship. So I hung around with him, and the whole friends with benefits thing started. To tell you the truth we never ended up back together and one day it just ended for good. The problem is if I would have just relaxed and realized this is not the end I would have moved on way sooner and found a new guy that much quicker. I promise you that you are not going to be alone forever it may seem like it right now and it may take awhile to find someone new, but you still have plenty of time. You are a beautiful smart girl and you do not need to have your ex's as a friend just to feel important. Just treasure the people you do have no matter how few they are and stay strong. One day the right person will come along your ex just was not the right person. Guess what 7 years later I who was SO shy and scared that I was never gonna have anyone am now happily married to a great guy who loves me and I have to beautiful daughters one 3 year old and a 8 month old baby. When I look back now I laugh. It is silly to me now that i felt so desperate for just ONE guy when he means nothing now. You too will have a beautiful husband and family one day you just need to have patients and just remember that this is not the end and he is not your only hope. I think what you need to do is get back out there and start looking for a new guy instead of worrying about a guy from the past. Good luck honey.DONT GIVE UP HE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE LOOKING FOR YOU ALSO.

Answer 3

He wants his cake and eat it too....get some courage and really stand your ground. He can't be a part time anything and treat you like he's there full time. Respect your right to be vocal and know that that is in no way what "love" is supposed to be like. It's all or nothing in a relationship and they are ALWAYS 50/50. Have standards. Don't give in because your lonely and don't fool yourself into thinking that he's going to love you in the way you want to be loved. Let him know that it is over and you do not want him calling you anymore! He is disrespecting you and playing on his terms. Get some confidence and turn the tables. Women nowadays need to know that men that are worth being loved will respect you more if they can see you respect yourself and will only love your self worth more than you could ever imagine. If it means being alone for awhile, then oh well! Good luck and pray!

Answer 4

Why do you answer? You already answered that by saying you want him to love you but he says he wont. So if he is calling still it is only to mentally abuse you. And if you answer it is the same thing. for whatever reason you want to feel like crap for wanting something that you cannot have. If you fight all the time then he is not a friend. I have to say that I am close to several exes but in all of them we had time and space between break up and friendship because it is too hard to separate one from the other when the wounds are still fresh. The only way it gets better is to distance yourself at this moment.

Answer 5

If all you do is fight, then it is not a healthy relationship right now. Perhaps you haven't had enough time apart to start a fresh relationship just as friends. I am thinking that for this relationship to mature, the previous relationship needs to be released. You both have changed and so has your relationship. You both are going to need to have a friendship with the other person now and not with the person they were or you thought they were if this is going to be anything other than fights and heartache. If you want to save this relationship, you should get to know each other all over again and start fresh and not trying to keep building on a foundation that obviously didn't hold.

Answer 6

If your ex loves you or thinks anything of you in that way, he wouldn't have ended it.

Men are usually pretty sure when they end relationships. They think about it months and sometimes years before they tell you and they act as though you're the most unreasonable person in the world when you're upset after hearing the news for the fist time.

He wants to be friends? Why?? Here's why:

* He won't feel so guilty for breaking up
* he's got you under control (he knows what you're up to and when you are about to see someone new - which he won't like
* He gets to keep his cake and eat it
* he remains in control (he can sense your wish for him to love you again and will get a natural male egotistical buzz out of it)
* He's keeping you where he wants you


move up and move on. After the initial hurt, you recover with more strength than you realise. Everyone says this, I know. It's so true though.

good luck

Answer 7

Tell him that you need some time to adjust. It's unreasonable to expect ANY couple to go immediately from lovers to friends - you need time to grieve for the end of the romantic relationship, get used to not having him in your life (as a romantic figure), and then learn how to be platonic friends with him.
Tell him that if he really wants to be friends with you, and do the right thing by you, he will stop contacting you and give you a few months to adjust. Agree that YOU will call HIM in a three or four months when you are ready to start rebuilding the friendship.

Answer 8

Honestly I think he loves you that is why he is calling and calling you after HE left you. I am doing the same to my ex (HS sweethearts) and I still love the guy. The reason you are arguing is most likely because you two are not together. The only other thing I can think of is he is a controller and that is not a safe situation.

Answer 9

It is important that when 2 people end a relationship - that they END the relationship. Look, you don't have to confront his calling. You can accomplish what you need to by changing your phone number(s). Don't take anymore calls from him - because when you do - you are an enabler...you are allowing him to reach you and get you into a fight with him and this is what he wants. You will need to be the strong one here, because it doesn't sound like he will ever stop. You should definitely cut communications with him if he is verbally abusive to you on the telephone.

Answer 10

You need to protect your own feelings. He is not helping. He calls you just to fight with you? It doesn't matter what his motivation is. You need to not answer his calls. You can just let the phone ring, or pick up and set down the phone to disconnect the call, get an unlisted number and don't give it to him, get a call screening service that will refuse to let his calls through (which he could defeat by calling from another phone and giving a fake name). Tell him not to call. Keep a log of when he does. Tell him if he doesn't stop you will report him to the police for stalking.

Answer 11

Answer that darn phone and explain at this time, we can't be friends. There are to many feelings in the air that I can't handle right now, and with you around it just makes it worse. I need time to get over the relationship. And Hopefully he gets the point. You need to remember he left you, so he doesn't have those feelings anymore, and he probably never have them, and you will find a better person out there for you, that will love you!