My attempt at lyric poetry?

Question

"Memory"

It came like a theif in the night
And left with the breeze
It took away all that we had
And left behind an empty shell
A hollow dream and two broken hearts
Are all that we have to our name
A life of peace and togetherness
Is what it took away

And it seems we've grown apart
Though I don't know how or why
And now there's just a memory
Of the way things used to be

As I grew up you grew away
And no longer wanted a part of me
Either we worked too hard or not hard enough
Or maybe we were just left behind
Something out there took away our faith
We stopped believing in the American Dream
My life is right where it should be
Though I didn't get here the way I planned

And it seems the world has tuned me out
Though I don't know how or why
I wish there was more than a memeory
To remind me how it used to be

Answer 1

poems don't need to rhyme. and neither do songs. but put them 2gether, and they need to rhyme.!! but it's good.

Answer 2

It's a nice poem, but your meter is off in places. A "lyric" has a regular pattern, usually rhymed, but always repetetive in pattern. "it came like a thief in the night" is iamb, anapest, anapest (you misspelled thief too), but the first line of the third stanza is, "As I grew up you grew away", which is iambic all the way, which means the counts are different too. The other lines in each stanza need to agree as well.

You have a good ear for word choice, and you understand something of form (your refrains were quite nice), so all you probably need to do is have someone else read this out loud to you so you can use your ears to show you where you need to edit. I suspect you'll end up with a very nice lyric by the time you're finished. Don't forget to run the spell checker :)

keep writing

Answer 3

Like anything in Life,
Practice makes it better,
My syllables I still count,
I fetch them like a setter[Irish],

I try to make it flow,
Re-read to make it clear,
Sometimes a second draft,
Will make a word appear,

IF I choose a word,
I look for ALL their kin,
I check from A to Z,
Before new word begin,

KNOW your work is Art,
No matter what they say,
Those who can't do~> Teach,
It's always been this way,

Practice, practice, practice,
When it's good you'll know,
From a little acorn,
A mighty Oak can grow...

Live long and Prosper[Vulcan blessing(Trekkie)]...