When having marrital problems, What is the wrong things to say?

Question

I have read from articles that your spouse does not want to hear that "you love them" or they don't want to hear how you are going to improve the marriage. What are some other techniques that can be used? Should you never plead with your partner or do whatever your partner wishes? What are you supose to do? Please no silly answers like, "just leave her"

No I haven't cheated on my wife. we are having financial problems and thats what is causing most of our problems

Answer 1

Don't hit below the belt no matter how mad you get. Try and realize that people evolve in marriage and change throughout their lives, and marriages have to evolve with them and find new areas of compatibility. Staying together is a constant search for this new relationship.

Answer 2

You're having financial problems. So work it out yourself where those problems are coming from and find the solution to that. It will be a tremendous relief and take the strain off your marriage. When you say that you've read the spouse doesn't want to hear about how you love her or how you are going to improve the marriage, I think what the articles meant was that she doesn't want the verbal affirmations, she want to see that in action. If you love her, show lots of affection and attempt to relieve the stress (sexually or with help around the house or with little gifts to pamper her). If you want to improve the marriage, do what has to be done to fix the problem, don't talk about how you are going to do it, just get started doing it and follow through. In your case, that would mean financial adjustments.
I think financial problems are the most pervasive problems that undermine the strength of a marriage - really tough, but you have to deal with them. They just don't go away. Winning the lottery wouldn't even solve most financial problems because it's not the amount of money, it's how you handle that money.

Answer 3

I guess that advice makes sense. If someone is angry with something you've done and you respond by saying you love them, it probably seems like you don't really mean it.
What you should do is take some time to let things cool down. Give her an opportunity to just talk, without you saying a word. Then maybe a half hour later, it's your turn. She doesn't get to say a word while you're talking. Then take another break, a half hour later you've both had time to think about how you feel, to HEAR what the other person is saying - THEN you can have a calm and rational discussion about whatever problem it is. Avoid interruptions like children and telephone calls, etc.
I would definitely recommend counseling, you'll be able to overcome these problems much more quickly.

Answer 4

Don't believe everything you read in articles. I strongly believe that you should tell your loved ones verbally that you do love them. If you are having marrital problems and you want things to work I don't think you should suggest divorce just to see if that is what your partner is thinking ( I think women are more prone to do that than men ). If your wife is unsure what she wants at this point maybe the best thing to do is ask her to not make any hasty decisions, give her some time to think without nagging or pleading (that will only drive her further from you) but still let her know that you love her.
Maybe really listen to what she is saying without saying much yourself to try to better understand where she is coming from. Men and women don't communicate the same, men are more blunt and short while women have a tendency to ramble on and most guys only hear half of what women are trying to say ( no offense, it is just the way our brains are programmed differently). Best of luck to you and yours!

Answer 5

never suggest leaving or divorce as a possible answers. Also use I feel....... statements instead of you did this or you did that... Say I feel like this when this happens. Always try to offer solutions instead of continuously arguing over the problem. What is the solution, or what can you do to get to the solution. What is your part. Always look for your part in the problem. What part do you play,( you will always have a part some how.) It is also very important to apologize for your part when you see it, and not only apologize but realy work on not repeating the same behavior or offense again. Talk to each other and not at each other. Listen to your partner.

Answer 6

Be HONEST! Look at the problem for what it is and sit down with her and say you need her input on how to solve whatever it is....she may surprise you. Include her on finding solutions and keep your temper out if she offers a silly suggestions. Try looking seriously at her and say something like okay lets take a look at that and point out things about it you like and not like and have her do the same. Most important question you can ask your wife is: What do you think?

Answer 7

You need to have a heart to heart. Get down to the main problem. Use words like "I feel.." Don't be quick to place all of the blame on her. Think of how she will react so you can be prepared. You don't want to put her on the defensive. Take emotion out. Try to be matter of fact. Bring out bank records and statements. Go through the math. Try to reach a compromise. If I had the time, I would offer my services to you as I used to work in private banking. I would not charge you. I don't do that anymore but I have some training and expertise. I could help you to set up a budget and show you how to work through it. You might be able to find help online. You will want to set up a budget but it will be a living and breathing document that you need to visit often. You can set it up in Excel. Accountants usually write down every expense in a notebook. You could document a reason for expenses. Learn to distinguish between wants and needs. Get agreement from both of you. If it takes some time to get used to it, don't worry. Just stick with it and keep working at it. Don't give up.

Answer 8

You'll honestly have to learn what to say and what not to say yourself. Every woman is different so what might be offensive to one will be completely sweet and romantic to another.

I know.. us women are so confusing.

A piece of advice though, if you're having problems, the best thing to do is communicate with RESPECT. When one person speaks, the other should listen. Also, there's a big difference between an accusation and healthy criticism. Obviously if you say, "You're fat" feelings are going to be hurt but, "I'm worried about your health. We should take a walk together every night" addresses a problem and offers a solution. That's just the first example that came to mind anyway... I'm sure whatever problems you have, it's not this.

Things like "YOU constantly do this and it P I S S E S me off!" happen to be what you want to NOT say. Try not to start your sentences with 'you' because whatever comes out afterwards will most likely cause more problems. Nobody likes to be accused, keep that in mind. If you are going to point out their problem, you should probably try to point out a problem that you have too. Like, "Sometimes you say things that hurt my feelings but, I know that I can be over-sensitive sometimes". It sounds corny but it sounds a lot better than "You need to learn to speak to me nicer". If you back up what you're saying with how what they do makes you FEEL, you're going to work your problems out more efficiently.

This is harder than I thought it would be to explain but, I think you will get the point...

Answer 9

well, placing blame is always wrong. anything to aggravate the situation would be bad. however, I don't see where "I love you" would be a problem if it placed at the right time. namecalling, berating behavior or words, or anything said in anger is always wrong, but aside from that, I don't know of anything else. just ease through the situation the best you can, and try to have a decent adult conversation about what is going on. I've found that if you can be civil when you're upset, everything goes better, no matter how you fumble through it. good luck!

Answer 10

The biggest problems is the errors made in communication! Insted of saying: you keep foolishly spending money you should say: we need to keep the foolish spending down, or insted of saying you always bla bla bla, you need to use "I" statements. 1) state how you feel, ( I feel upset when) 2) what you are upset about, (when you keep spending money)3) say what you would like or how you would like it to be different (I would like it better if "we" could keep ourselves on a budget of bla bla bla.... the more "I" statements you use the less the other person feels "attacked" or help "personally responsible for everything" stay away for all ways and never, use often and words like that. Reassurance is good but pleading pushes people away. Many feel pressured or smothered by this. The more you push the farther they go away.
Good Luck!

Answer 11

You have to adults - don't give in when you should not, and DO compromise when you SHOULD. You need to make sure you're fulfilling the other person's needs that have been neglected that led up to the problem (it might be physical affection - non sexual hugging, or verbal expression, it might be caring listening [the kind where you don't try to "fix" her problems, you just let her vent and offer sympathy], it might making quality time and not assuming that the physical comforts of life are all she ought to need to be happy ... or maybe she was neglecting your needs, and she also needs to work on them ... appreciating the things you do for her, allowing you to have your man-cave alone time, trusting you to be your own man ...)

Most of all, don't be fake - you both have to learn to SAY WHAT YOU MEAN even when it is hard - things cannot be dealt with if you can't even articulate.

Don't walk around on egg shells but don't be abrasive ... the bible says it best ...

"speak the TRUTH ... in love"