My wife of 15 years had an affair with someone we let into our house. Am I a fool to take her back?

Question

This other person has been around for about 3 months, doing construction jobs on our house, since the death of her mother. The affair lasted 3 weeks. And it was premeditated. They went out together and each got an AIDS test before having sex for the first time. (There was no reason for her to do so, she did it for him.)

I found out a week ago today. My first instinct was divorce and I immediately sought out an attorney. We saw a marriage counselor and it seemed their might be a hope for reconciliation. Then she back out and said it was over. She couldn't leave him.

That night she had a change of heart and called off the affair and said she was home to stay. But then latter said that she still loved him and would need to see him as a friend. I said, "no way", walked out, and set my mind on divorce again.

Then she apparently had another change of heart and said she didn't need to see him again. It was over. But how will I ever know if it's really over?

I can't help thinking that I'm only with her today because I'm in denial or I'm crazy or both. Right now I'm at work and she's out with a friend "who knew" about the affair and didn't tell me. How can I trust her again?

We have three small children. She actually cheated on me the first time (although it was planned earlier) after our daughter's 7th birthday party. I can't walk through MY house without seeing something that he built or installed.

Am I just a fool? This is driving me insane.

My wife also got a large tattoo on her back just two weeks ago. I know this other guy went with her, helped her pick it out, and held her hand while she was getting it. It's like she's been branded by another man.

Answer 1

I feel your pain, it does not hurt much more than that. Stay calm though, you are not alone.

Things may get worse before they get better, but they most always get better.

1. Forgive her. Anything less will only further hurt you and the kids.
2. Separate until she is 100% commited to you and the kids.
Immediately establish a clear boundry with consequences to her behavior.
3. Get counseling (this one is over your head, you are going to need a professional to sort this out). And then get more counseling by someone else, especially if the first one does not work out.
4. Treat her with respect around the kids, she is still their mom, and treat her as such.
5. Tell her you will divorce her (after separating of course, so that she can get a grasp of the consequences of what she has done) if she sees this man again, and follow through, divorce her.
6. Kick the living fcuk out of the guy if you ever see him anywhere near your children again. This guy has done just about everything that he could to ruin your kid's future, treat him in kind.
7. Ignore all of the advice that you are getting here on Y&A, we don't know what we are talking about, we are just trying to comfort you in your hour of suffering. Go talk to the wisest person/friend that you know. One that knows your circumstances better than we do, and follow his advice. He will know what you should do better than we can. Wisdom.

I hope it all works out, but if it does not, she was probably doing you a favor, and you are probably better off without her.

So in summary: Separate, do not take her back until she is 100% committed, get counseling, do not divorce unless she continues seeing this guy, or until there is no hope left for the marriage. Get wise counseling from your wise friends.

Good luck brother, I got your back on this one. I've had more than one friend go through the same thing (on both sides of the story). We're only human. Please email me if you I can help with anything, I'm a decent listener.

Answer 2

You're not the only victim in this situation, your children are as well. I think that they need to be considered in your decision too which makes it extremely hard to know what to do. My advice is always to give it your all to try to fix the problem before declaring it over when there are kids.

Perhaps, this was a crisis. Crisises end. However, regaining trust never ends. Can you offer her a chance to rebuild your relationship and hold your family together? That would mean that you step up to the plate, get both of yourselves into FAMILY counseling and focus on being together. Find out what emotional void this man filled in her life, was she missing something from your marriage? By no means are you at fault but you can be a big part of holding the family together and getting professional help to learn how. There's no quick answer, it takes considerable time and effort.

My thoughts are that she doesn't need this man, she is just addicted to what he gives her emotionally, mentally. If she can redirect all the time, energy and effort she put into her relationship with him towards her family, it can be worked out.
Divorce is the easy answer and what I chose in my circumstance. Although my life is better than it was before, my children went through so much and some bitterness still resonates. Give yourself a lot of time before coming to any conclusions. A well thought out decision is a well made decision. Best wishes.

Answer 3

As a person who was cheated on, I can tell you that you will always have that affair or should I say affairs in the back of your head. Every time she is late or is going "out w/ friends" you are going to wonder. BUT having children w/ her makes it a lot more difficult. I am not sure what I would do if my husband cheated on me. It was a former boyfriend and I just knew he would cheat again and he did a few more times. They say once a cheater always a cheater and I believe that is true w/ the same person. Anyway, I finally dumped his ***. But anyway, I think every situation is different. Can you trust her?? That is the question you need to ask yourself. If you can't, then it is over. It's not fair to stay married for your kids because your marriage won't be that good anyway.

Answer 4

What about separation first? My gut instinct on this situation is to tell you to go for divorce but it seems like with all of the questioning yourself here...you're not ready to make such a huge decision. Go ahead and talk to an attorney and draw up papers for a legal separation...move out and get away from the mess for a bit so that you can clear your mind of all the muddle. If she is this wishy washy and cannot decide if she wants you or him or any other Tom, Dick and Harry....you will never know if she is faithful to you and staying with you because she truly loves just you. It may be that she does want this guy but is scared that if she leaves you...she loses the security of financial support or social standing, family support,etc. Whatever it is...she's unhappy with how things are in this marriage and doing whatever it takes to satisify herself. She's made her choice and that has been at the price of her family and marriage. You are the one that is going to suffer the most pain here... don't stay in it just for the kids. They'll feel that resentment,pain and confusion the rest of their lives. You take the time with them and let them know that you ARE NOT leaving them...just their mom and why (at the level that they will understand for their age)...make sure to stay in touch with them and only them will force the mom to make her choice, knowing that you are serious. It gives you the clear head to decide too. Just make sure to keep your head up...you have value..you deserve to be happy in life too...don't let anyone treat you like crap and then take it or expect it. Good luck

Answer 5

Man, after hearing all the detail, I really think you should stand up for yourself.

The courts are so slanted against fathers, I know it must be intimidating to consider divorce, with the risk of losing your kids.

But it sounds to me like your "wife" has shown a clear pattern of irrational behavior, that could be detrimental to your kids' upbringing. If I were you, I would immediately contact an attorney that specializes in FATHER's rights in divorce.

I think in any divorce you have to strike the first blow in order to get the court to see YOU as the victim. And in this case, I think you need to stop dawdling, and get pro-active, for your kids' sake.

I wouldn't be surprised to learn that she's throwing out stall-tactics until she can present a divorce case that victimizes her, and leaves you with nothing, including your kids.

Brother, I wish you luck ... I don't know what I'd do if I lost ANY time with my daughter. And I certainly couldn't handle only 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends.

Stop thinking about yourself and your wife, adn start focusing on your kids.

good luck.

Answer 6

wow, OK are you still going to counseling? I think it would take a long time to get over this. She broke your trust and, you have to decide if you can forgive her move on. You both need to continue to got to counseling. If you want to work it out. Even if you don't it is a good idea for you. She should be working on gaining your trust back. You can't be back and forth in this. You might want to move from the house. And it is very sad they both went and had an aids test and preplanned this.

Answer 7

I wouldn't do it! I would hire a lawyer pay child support and live in a shack if I had to than to be disrespected by someone that evidently doesn't care about me. You cannot live this way and what she is doing is wrong. She broke your trust and it will never be the same. She has already left you in her heart and mind anyway. Your relationship with her will always be in doubt and she doesn't seem to know what she wants. I would make the choice for her and love my kids because she is giving you no choice.Best wishes and take care.

Answer 8

It was over when she went to the doctor to get an AIDS test to sleep with someone else. If you take her back all your doing is giving her the green light to sleep with whoever she wants. You are her Yo-Yo, she wants you, she doesn't want you, she wants you, she doesn't want you. Make the decision for her, and get a divorce. She is clearly telling you that she wants someone else, and if she went out of her way to get an AIDS test done then she is in love with this guy. She wants him around as a friend because that's is a smoke screen. Oh I'm going to hang out with my friend today is translated to I'm going to have a quicke. Drop her before she brings you home a disease.

Answer 9

Mid. Life. Crisis. Women have them, too.

Let me put it this way: My dad cheated on my mom for 18 years with the same woman. He has two children with this other woman. My mother never once allowed my father to seek a divorce, and she never sought one herself. Why? Because she worked for that marriage, and he wasn't getting out so easily.

If you love her and you want to be with her forever, if you meant your vows, get away from her for a while. Let her have some time to sort out what she wants. Tell her that, ideally, you would like her to stay away from both yourself and the other man because she clearly needs time to decide what she wants. But separate yourself from the situation and take time to decide what you want. If you want to be with her, you'll fight for her. If not, you know what you need to do.

But she's clearly emotionally confused. While there's no excuse for what she did, it is perfectly natural even for a person in a committed relationship to develop feelings for someone else. That is often because we lack something that we are seeking, and we attempt to fill that hole with the most accessible person possible. You may not have been filling a need for her, and she found it elsewhere. Now, she may have communicated this need to you, and you didn't respond. Or she never communicated it. Whatever need that wasn't being met, obviously, this guy has it.

But that isn't to say that you can't provide it to her as well. And that's the struggle she's experiencing right now. She sees him, and he has that certain something that she isn't seeing in herself or in you. But maybe you haven't been given a chance to show her that you have that certain something as well. So, she needs to decide what that need is, and if she is willing to a) go without it, b) see if you can fulfill it, c) continue to have him fulfill it.

I know that may not be very clear, but that's because I don't know what she feels like she is missing/getting from him.

But marriages can survive adultery. I know at least two that have. In fact, my dad dropped the other woman and returned to my mother. They've now been married for 35 years, and they are happier than they have ever been.

Answer 10

Sorry, this isn't much of an answer. But without trust, you don't have love or an relationship. You have to figure out if you are willing to work a long time to rebuild that trust.

Personally, I don't like the premeditation and the frequent change of heart. Sorry to say, but it sounds like she is either bored or unhappy with you.