Did I do the right thing? What should I be expecting now?

Question

I threw him a b-day party at my house. Everyone was fine except his 28yr old dghtr & his 29yr old neice - his son (21) - ok. The neice's son got injured when him & my son collided playing football - even the nephew said it was an accident. However the daghtr & neice decided to inform my byf & guests that due to my son's behavior they just wanted to do cake & leave - so my byf came to me, said this and asked if I would please do the cake so they could leave. The next day I got very upset & told my byf that in no way was I going to accpet this as anything but an excuse because they didn't want to come to "my" house in the 1st place & my child was being USED as an excuse & it HURT! My byf agreed & apologized, but don't they owe me an apology - at a minimum to him - or am I way off base here. We've been together 10 mo now, but the "grown" up children won't stop manipulating him & he says he'll put his foot down - but has yet to do so. What now? I've told him our relationship is at risk.

How can I let go of a relationship I really want with a good man simply ecause of HIS "grown up" children & judgemental family - his Mother, sister and other famiy support our relationship - but his daughter has even gotten him to the point where the new company he has started - he feels guilty about it. I am pissed off that MY child was used for starters & that she did this to her her own Father on his b-day - he told me that no-one not even her ever did something so nice for him for his b-day. I just don't know why she claims to love him and then hurts him so - she's definatley her Mother's daughter - how can I get it stop - how can I get him to realize what's up. If it doesn't stop- I don't know what to do?

Answer 1

perhaps it was best to do the cake and let them leave asap.

DO NOT make him choose you or his family. YOU WILL LOOSE!!!!!

OH HE may say to you that he will pick you and that you are right but his actions will not support this speach.

his family knows that he is a softie and that they can manipulate him. they have probably always done it.

it looks like you are out for a life time of misery. you may be with him but you will always be needing him to stand up for you or to pick you and he just will not pick you. he will not pick you and he will not pick them. he will walk a fine line down the middle trying to make everyone happy and to get off his case.

you will always feel insecure and irritated as just once you will want him to speak up for himself or you or your own kid.

living a life with someone you love that is easily manipulated is no fun and you will just not be able to handle the constant wars that his family will engage in just because they know they can and that he won't do anything.

soon you will be desperately in need of him just to speak up for himself or for you and it will never ever happen. men like this just sit on the fence and try to not get involved and to take sides. they speak like they choose you but their actions do not reflect that to anyone else.
after 25 years or so of this all the love you had for this marvelous person will turn into irritation and disappointment. too many many many family things will happen and you just won't be able to cope. a big part of you will be dead on the inside. all the feelings you once had of love and hope will be replaced with bitterness and anger. and let me tell you this it is hard to show physical intamincy with someone who doesn't choose you time after time.
i speak from experience if you can't tell. i was young and in love and thought that love could conquer all. but let me tell you it does not withstand being with a man who doesn't pick you over his family.

Answer 2

It sounds like there are lots of emotions and hurt feelings going around. You, obviously, were hurt by what happened at the bday party. It sounds as though his family is not accepting of your relationship and they are 'acting out' to prove a point. But, here's the thing - it doesn't matter what anyone else does, says or thinks.

What matters is - first & foremost your son and his well being. You are right to want to protect your child and not have him used as a pawn in any manipulation games. But, you must also be sure to set an example and not use him for your own benefit - i.e. for an apology from his family. Why does an apology from some apparently immature adults make a difference? Do you think they would be sincere even if they did say they're sorry? It sounds like there is a lot more involved here.

If you are going to be in this relationship, you must step outside your emotions for a minute and see (and accept) your boyfriend for who he is. These are HIS kids. They will always come before you. The same way your son will come before your boyfriend. If he is slow to take action with them, it may be because he doesn't really want to... and if you're going to stay with him, you're going to have to accept that. If you're not willing to accept it, it may be time to move on. Don't let tenure (10 mos.) or emotions cloud your sound judgement of what's best for you and your son.

Answer 3

first of all don't let some one no matter who the are rule your life he don't really know how to put his foot down with her cause he's never succeded at doing it... the daughter is just out to get what she can get only for herself sure she loves her dad but not like a daughter should she's more concerned with her--don't let her ruin something that's going so good for you, you are right your son was used for another excuse for them to leave she don't want to give you a chance because she might find that she really does like you and admitting that for her is very hard, my aunt goes thru the same thing with her step-daughter and has for over 20 years, she does owe you an apology although you may never see it or at least not sincere and futher more if that's being grown up I hate to see what the hell she was like in her childhood days good luck in all you do

Answer 4

You're asking to be accepted by a family that has no intention of accepting you; certainly not this soon. Probably never.

You're also asking him to "stand up" to his adult children, when he has no ability to force their obedience to his will. You're blaming him for the actions of another adult, over whom he has no control.

You assume this was a slight against you personally, yet you state they're manipulating him. Which is it? You're also assuming this was a deliberate insult. Their perceptions of the incident may be wrong, but they may actually believe the injury was more than accidental. Perhaps not intentional, but reckless. I can understand why someone would leave a situation where others are being physically injured, innocently or not. I can accept that their motives were actually honest. Can't you?

This party was thrown by you for his benefit, for his joy, correct? Not yours? If so, then why do you criticize his behavior? He was trying to minimize the pain, the hurt, and the "scene" being caused at an event that was supposed to be his celebration. You're offended because he wanted, as much as possible, to have a pleasant experience with a minimum of conflict?

He's to "put his foot down". On whom? He cannot control others who attempt to manipulate and use him. He has only two choices: close them out of his life completely, or deal with the fact that they will never do, or be, or say exactly what you want.

I agree with you that your relationship is at risk here. If you're demanding that he control the actions of others, over whom he has no control, you're demanding the impossible. If you're offering him a gift in celebration of his life, then criticize his best attempts to enjoy the day... Well, it wasn't about him to begin with, was it? It was YOU who were slighted; you who were offended.

This isn't about him. It's about you. And you expect him to fix it. Hmm...

Answer 5

There comes a time in a parent's life where they need to just let go. If his daughter loves him at all, she'll eventually accept the fact that he's happy. He's going to either s*** or get off the pot!!! His daughter sounds like a selfish little girl!!! I hate that they're making you so uncomfortable. You did everything right by throwing him a party and it seems like he was so appreciative. It is HIS job to talk to his daughter, not yours. You'll probably never get an apology, so just try to let this go and hope for a better experience next time.

Answer 6

So then allow the guys wash the dishs, cook dinner, and blank and the ladies can repair the vehicles. If you feel its sexist to do it the wrong way then allow them to change. Not all guys repair the auto within the courting, there are lots of ladies who're larger macanics than their husbands All you doing is claiming anyone matters a exact manner then claiming they could say what you feel if matters cross the best way you desire. Stop assuming what ladies desire. If you desire ladies to repair vehicles for you simply ask them too. If you desire to assert ladies could do or feel whatever deliver me a truly existence instance now not what you are expecting ladies will do or say.

Answer 7

I'd ignore them...and not include them in any family functions...if he wants to have a family function with them then he can do so on his own.
But that is just me, I don't have time for silly drama in my life. If its always going to be that way, I'd prefer that he and his family be out of my life. Plain n simple. I've made that very clear to folks in my life. I've had enough silly games and drama, that have left some hefty scars on my heart and my soul, from people that I've loved in my life, I don't need more.

Answer 8

I would stop catering to them. If they wanted to leave, i would have showed them the door, without cake! There is nothing that you can do about their childishness but ignore it and try not to let it get yout goat. Yes they owe you an appology but will you recieve one? I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 9

you have to really be careful in a situation like this because no matter what, those are his children. he is going to have to open his eyes to what they are doing because quite obviously he isnt really seeing what they are doing and you telling him isnt working either. you just have to be the peace maker, with them being grown how much do the two of you see them anyway. and do your best to shield your own child from any harm. good luck and i hope everything works out for the best for you.

Answer 10

Sometimes silence does wonders. Some men are not the ones to put there foot down thats just there nature. Maybe you need to be the one,but you need to tell him you are going to do this for the sake of your family.