Spanking The Monkey?

Question

My husband used to have a bad porn habit. We got married and I decided that it needed to stop. I hate it. Since then, I've busted him numerous times watching it and I always got rid of the movies. He was going very well with it and I told him that I was proud of him for it yesterday. Last night, I catch him again.

I understand needing/wanting to spank the monkey, but does he really need to look at naked girls that aren't me while he does it?!? It makes me feel unattractive and not good enough for him.

I never confronted him about it last night... I was too tired to deal with it. What should I do? Should I talk to him about it or should I just let it go?

Honestly, I want sex more than he does and it's not me with the "I'm too tired" routine... It's him!! Try that you asshole!

Answer 1

If you understand his need, and are only upset that he is doing it to the images of other women, why don't you give him some images of you that he can use. Home movies of you or the two of you may be just what he needs and keeps you from feeling unattractive or not good enough.

Answer 2

I can understand what you are saying - I would be hurt if my husband was doing the same thing. Before I met my hubby he was at the strip clubs a lot and I just didnt understand it - I think of it as a slap in the face and incredibly disrespectful to want to look at that when he has me. Its hurtful and mean but he doesn’t see it that way - he says sometimes guys have to look at that stuff and it has nothing to do with how attracted they are to us. My hubby had to go to give a sample of sperm to be checked and I couldn’t even ask him what the place was like cuz I didn’t want to hear about him watching a movie.... grosses me out. Maybe he has an issue that you don’t know about, he may have an intimacy issue that causes him to want to do that instead of having moments with you. I know you have been TTC for awhile and maybe that may be why he feels the need to do this, he feels inadequate in the baby makin department. Whatever the reason he is doing it, it needs to be discussed and fixed or it will put a wedge in your marriage. If you want sex more than he does there is no reason or excuse for him watching porn! He is wasting good sperm on this that could be makin a baby! Tell him that you will watch some with him around the time of ovulation or just come home with a video when you are ovulating and don’t tell him why you brought it home.

Answer 3

Wow people are really missing the point here. The point is that YOU want sex more than he does and HE's the one with the "I'm too tired" excuses. If it were in the reverse, I would agree with some of these answers, but since it's not, I think people here are missing it. I think Answerer #01 has given a great answer so far because at least he seems to understand it for what it really is.

Since he's the one with the lower sex drive and the least energy, he's obviously replacing porn with a satisfying sexual relationship with you. You're not saying that in between amazing liasons with your husband you find him masturbating and watching porn, this would be different... what you're saying is he's less interested in you and more interested in porn and THAT'S what's making you feel unsexy and unwanted by him. Totally understandable girl.

When someone has replaced porn with true intimacy there's a problem. And just like any other addiction, you can't handle it by yourself. If he were addicted to cocaine or an alcoholic do you think you could fix him yourself? Nope. Addiction is addiction. You have two choices and only two choices here. 1) Live with an addict or 2) Go for therapy and get help for his problem. Threats, ultimatums, tolerance, indifference, and compromise are band-aid temporary fixes, not solutions. An ultimatum might work IF you carry it out, otherwise they're useless.

Find a therapist and go. If he won't go with you, then go alone. You need to learn how to deal with it, and eventually, he's going to have to go too. But if your only choice initially is to go it alone, then do it.

Good luck.

Answer 4

I don't know what to tell you. Although I hate porn too it's a little crazy to think that he will change cause you want him to. People don't change unless they no longer want the negative behavior. You can't marry someone and then decide they need to change. It's wrong! I truly hate porn and luckily my husband was not addicted he just looked at it once in awhile so he stopped when I asked him to but I also know that he could look at some again tomorrow if his desire is strong enough. He's an adult it's not like I can punish him for it. I think you can talk to him and let him know how you feel but you can't really demand he stop. Maybe ask him if there is something you can do to help him when he wants to watch it. Ask if you and he can do some pictures or videos of the two of you. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open so yes talk about it but talk in a way that he is also free to express his feelings and allow him to tell you his needs

Answer 5

My bf does this, too and you are right it is extremely frustrating, especially when we're the ones that have the high sex drive at the time and aren't getting it!!

There are a few ways to look at this.
# 1 be glad its pornography and not him cybering with people or even cheating.

# 2 instead of looking at this as an addiction to porn, are you sure he isn't addicted to masterbation? Simple because you didn't catch him in the act of masterbating to porn, it doesn't mean he didn't do it. At the same time, it doesn't mean he did either.

# 3 When you catch him, is he always watching a specific kind of porn or does he have a variety? If he has a specific kind that he is watching, he's probably got a fetish that he is uncomfortable talking about. This is his way of orgasming with his fantasies.

Having dealt with this myself, I can tell you nagging and complaining is NOT going to get this resolved. Its important to first figure out why he is doing it. In my case, my Bf was shy and wanted to explore more, sexually, and was scared to initiate it. I looked at what he was watching and determined that if he enjoyed that and was getting off on it, then if we introduced it, he'll get it out of his system.

I was able to initiate this by simply sitting down next to him when I found him looking at porn and asking him what did he find exciting about it and I'd ask him if he wanted to try it.

Now, if that isn't an option for you; you may want just go in and sit down next to him while he looks at it. Instead of letting him beat the bishop, tell him to come to the bedroom and you two can have some fun!

Answer 6

try dressing sexier around him and acting provocative more towards him, make him want to look at you and want you more then the fake stuff, tell him he can have the real thing as much as he wants it any time he wants it and how ever he wants it, even try doing it in different locations of your house like, kitchen table in the middle of the day, washer on spin cycle, living room floor with curtain slightly open,(it is the thrill of getting caught and seen by neighbors that really get the juices flowing sorry TMI lol) walk in while he is watching the smut and turn off the tv and start kissing him in the areas he likes, just do what you possibly can think of to make him not want or need the smut anymore and want you a heck of allot more, you can do it, after all it is your Dh and you know what he likes so go to it, and keep up with it all the time, it will keep both of you satisfied with each other and interested. good luck

Answer 7

it is my understanding that porn can be an addiction. if that is the case with your husband it has nothing to do with you. for what it is worth, it is my opinion that if he values you he will seek help for this problem. You will have to decide if you feel that this is a marriage make or break issue. If he is faithful and you can live with the porn within certain limits then you could reach some kind of compromise. But if you cannot tolerate it what so ever then he will probably need to seek out help.

Answer 8

Sorry to hear this...and there will be a lot of yahoo answers telling you there is nothing wrong with watching porn....but obviously there is if you are bothered by it and feel unattractive and not good enough for him. This is exactly what people that have done research on the effects of pornography on a marriage say....that men begin to feel that their wife's are not so attractive and compare them to the air brushed images in magazines and the made up people in the porn movies. Do not let this go...do not accept that he is a man and that all men do look at porn. It simply isn't true. It is just an excuse and a justification to look at the chit.

NOTE: 70 % of sexual abusers started looking at pornography before becoming defiants. And to the woman that support their guys looking at porn...you are in denail and have no respect for yourself it you can't be honest about how you truly feel.

Answer 9

spank the toddler where the clap will be heard right back to the bones of the primate The clap is heard only in the room But in the generations that it will be passed down to like a the wings of a butterfly, the vibrations of air- the chaos theory is produced onto the heir I had really thought you were making a poem about the five finger shuffle (just looking at the title)

Answer 10

yes, talk to him about how it makes you feel, maybe ask also why he needs to watch porn. Then you both know how each other feels. Then ask him what you could do so that he didnt need to watch it. Discuss sex, what he likes , how he likes it done. Might feel strange at first, but if he knows your interested in taking care of all his needs, then he may realise that he already has the porn star!!! Dont forget your own needs too though. You two have gotta talk.

Answer 11

I feel where your coming from. My husband used to watch alot of porn too and it bothered me so much. He reassured me that it had absolutely nothing to do with me but still I couldnt understand why he had to do it. Men are very visual and are easily stimulated by what they see. The women on there are so fake and cheesy that its actually funny if you sit and watch it! I made a compramise with my man, he quit looking at it without me knowing like on the computer and stuff and I agreed to let him buy a few videos. I like the fact that he is honest about it and you know what, it doesnt bother me at all anymore. I watched the videos myself...shhhh, dont tell anybody! lol...and I know exactly what he is watching. Im his wife and Im the woman he comes to everynight and the one he shares his life with, not those fake women on the screen.