My poem, A parents vision, comments?

Question

As a small child, crawling so tenderly
Not knowing now what, in the future he’ll be
Early in life, we’ll need to plan
To grow him into a really great man

We hope that his life will be true and be long
And for that feat, he’ll need to be strong
For in his life, he’ll share all its sorrows
He’ll take it in stride and plan for tomorrows

If he is smart, he’ll learn to observe
For sometime in life, it will throw him a curve
If he learns young, there won’t be much pain
As we all know, it can come down like rain

And as he grows, he can go anywhere
We’ll start him out young, give him a dare
We’ll hope that, he’ll learn to explore
There is so much out there, for him to adore

And when it is time, for him to grow old
We hope in his life, he was truth full and bold
And when all those years, does takes it toll
We’ll look at his life; we’ve accomplished our goal

Answer 1

Good concept...needs some editing though. You're trying too hard at times and missing the obvious phrase. For example,
"If he is smart, he’ll learn to observe
For sometime in life, it will throw him a curve"

could have easily been,
"If he's smart he'll learn to observe
For sometimes life will throw you a curve"
or
"If he's smart he'll learn to observe
Because sometimes life throws you a curve"

You don't need to say "him" in both lines, and if you're worried about using a cliche like "life throwing you a curve", then put it in quotes, like this:

Because "sometimes life throws you a curve"

It doesn't let you completely off the hook, but at least it's a recognition that the line has been used to the point of being cliche.

Also, don't feel like you have to add commas in the middle of a line if you don't want the reader to breathe there..."there is so much out there for him to adore" reads just fine without the comma, and there are many other lines that fall into the same category.

Finally, couplets are very difficult to pull off without sounding too rhymy. They usually work when you want comedic effect (not what you're trying for here), in a sonnet (not quite that either) or any other poem that makes the couplet almost invisible because the rhyme sounds unavoidable...as if no other word would have fit. Your couplets, on the other hand, rhyme as if they were forced to...and it isn't surprising, because like I said, they are very difficult to do well. The great poets make them seem easy...but don't let that fool you into thinking that they actually "are" easy, because they are not. Try an ABAB or ABBA pattern...for example, if we rearrange your last four lines...

And when it is time, for him to grow old
when all those years finally take their toll
We hope his life was truthful and bold
If so we’d have truly accomplished our goal

...okay, so there was a little editing of the last line too...but can you see how rearranging the AABB to ABAB made the rhymes a little less "rhymy"? You can try this with the other lines and with different patterns until you find one whose tone matches your subject the most closely.

keep writing

Answer 2

I like the comcept of your work here but you should run a grammer checker on it. There are a lot of un needed commas in there. The wording its self is pretty good though. :)

Answer 3

i like your poem so much. i can see u are talking about stages in life a child has to pass thro' b/4 he can become a man; coming to take his responsibilities as a man.

Answer 4

really awesome man........really nice