Poetry Minions,Read this for comment please?

Question

I see who you are,
your mouth covered with scars
Run if you must,
you'll not get very far

Whom do you trust?
With your heart full of lust,
your hate is your doom
and your fate will be just

You were spun on hell's loom,
cast from your own mother's womb.
Don't bother asking why
when we spit on your tomb.

I hope when you die,
that no one will cry.
Heaven's gate will be barred
while you tell your race lie.

Ok, poor Ubi is not off his rocker. I observed our good friend DFA doing battle with the fookin' nazis last night and it put my undies in a bunch.

Fr Al, you're correct, a tad inelegent. I have a companion piece being readied as we speak that will be less formal and hopefully more clear about my disdain for racist skinheads.

DFA, know that you are not alone, we did not serve so that morons and slime might rule our lives. Wage the good fight but fight on your terms, not theirs.

Penfold, YOU'RE KEELING ME

Stoogito: Sentio aliquos togatos contra tu conspirare.

(I think some people in togas are plotting against you.)

Answer 1

Pretty good poem, actually. I'd change word order for "owm mother's" to "mother's own" though. Also, looms don't spin...they weave...so you might want to try a different metaphor there...maybe "you're the spawn of Hell's doom" or "you're the dust of Hell's broom"...and finally, I'd hyphenate "race" and "lie" to get "race-lie".

I see the rhyme pattern AABA, BBCB, CCDC, DDED, nicely done.

keep writing

Answer 2

My comments are in poem as well..

Have thy see that I was
One filled up wish scars
A runner from you am I
Afraid from the likes of thee?

Trust indeed the Lord and I
With such love you dear call lust
And bearing what you wish all could bear
My fate is God’s hands my fried
With him I bear no fear

Your Hell that looms is Heaven
And we all are judged alone
No reason asking a madman
Who spits on forgotten tombs

And will death shall catch my heart
Others shall cry and weep
For Heaven is for the worthy
Not race but truth it gets..

Answer 3

Brilliant! It's like a cool dive into the steaming pile of insanity that is the "MINIONS". I am honored to have you spit on my tomb... I thought my dead a*ss was going to be "left behind by the side of the road", so I win again!

Hey everybody, I GOT SHOTGUN ON A TOMB WITH A VIEW. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck...!

Answer 4

That is a very interesting poem i like the mystery of it. there is evidently a person who has hurt you or discouraged you. Or are you feeling down and in a sense writing it to your self? Great poem tho

Answer 5

I, too, shall answer this with a poem...

There once were two lads from Fort Snelling,
Whose feet, most often, were smelling,
Forgive their bad breath, which smells just like death
Or be put off by testicular swelling.

Answer 6

This a poetry for the demons, full marks for that.
My reply as under:

OH hell you demon, spoiling the life of others
in isolation, in schools, in dark streets
without your thinking to bothers.

Let the 'Almighty' turns green light to his thinking
stop this devil acts on minor for lust blinking.
or face Gallows with full cry like beeping

Answer 7

This poem is very dark ,vengeful and malformed Ruba'i, quite unlike your usual genre. A bit of cleaning and tuning can help it greatly, if only to bring out its ironic tone and clarify its voice.

Answer 8

Is it about flowers? Scars trust lust loom doom womb tomb is it by any chance a tribute to the great british WW1 poet Baldrick. Let me see how did that one go ....Oh yes

The guns of war by Baldrick

Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Boom
Boom Boom Boom
Boom!

Answer 9

ubi caritas est vera... thank you...

EDIT: Ubi Caritas, there is a line they crossed, and it is a personal one, I have two adoptive daughters who are from Indonesia and can be considered "dark-skinned" in the US.
I will not let those animals have the last word, sorry... their terms, or mine... does not matter...
drop me a line, please [e-mail]
or give me a holler 1.614.596.6056
thank you for your kind words

Answer 10

It's very gloomy.I felt fear, disgust and hatred all over the poem. I don't think it's a love poem, is it? Or am I mistaken????