Am i selfish?

Question

I asked a question a little while ago, regarding my girlfriend. The situation is as follows:

Recently my girlfriend found out her mum is extrmely ill and may not make it, at first i was with her everyday supporting her picking her up from the hospital and generally trying to be there for her in anyway that i could.... Now the reality of it is sinking in with her...

I have not seen her for 3 weeks now, her last words to me were please dont have any expectations of me right now? which is fine i care for her and am happy to do whatever i can ...

I have been ringing her, she wont answer the phone to me i text her she doesnt reply for days...

I understand that she is in a really bad place but it is quite disturbing for me as she is out drinking with her mates ALL weekend ...

I geniunely care about her but its doing my head in what the hell am i to do ??? Just wait, call it a day

has anyone been through similar what did u do ??

i am at a loss, i dont want to lose her

Answer 1

I've not been in this situation myself, but reading your posting made me form this opinion......You have been brilliant with her, very supportive and loving at a time when she needs it, but she appears to have abandoned you for her mates to go and do 'fun stuff'. Maybe being with you hurts her because you know how she REALLY feels and she doesn't want to be reminded of that. It's not your fault, it's just that you have helped her at one of her lowest points and she may feel that she wants to get out of that situation as she can't deal with it right now. People react in such wierd ways to impending grief. Maybe as she won't answer your calls or texts, you could write her a short letter? Just explain that you know she wants space, but remind her that you are there for her. Perhaps suggest a day out somewhere fun or a night out with a small group of friends? Only talk about her mum if SHE brings it up, or if you sense that she wants to talk about it. I hope it all works out for you both.

Answer 2

No you're not selfish. Regarding the situation with her mother, I would say you need to give her space and let her spend quality time with her mother as the time is limited, but the fact she is out every week with her friends sets alarm bells off for me.

You're being a good bf, by not harassing her at this time, but the least she could do is spend time with you when she isn't with her mother, I'm not sure whether she has maybe used the unfortunate circumstances, to have more distance between the two of you.

As much as she will be hurting right now, it doesn't give her the right to neglect you, I would try your hardest to get a chance to talk face to face and ask her what she wants from you, don't be in a relationship that at the moment seems only one sided, just because she is up in the air with her emotions, if she has time to party at the weekend with her mates she must also have time to put a little effort into the relationship, that she should be grateful is still ongoing.

Good luck and remember two people make a partnership, threw good and bad times ;0)

Answer 3

This is not an easy question. You need more information also. Her mom may or may not know something or be well enough to help, but visiting her might be kind, although you know the situation best. Of course following you intuition is always the best advice, but I don't know how well your hooked up with it. there are sites on the web with info, it's a broad subject and a lot of it is off subject.
It's odd she doesn't include you among her friends. I guess you know that. It might say something about the new direction she has been wanting to go in. In my case I was busy and not spending as much time with someone I was invloved with and she thought I had found someone else while actually i was preparing for our relationship so in fact we don't know what is really going on. I'll bet her friends know but may not tell. Let your intuition tell you who might know and how to approach them. All life goes better if your more sensitive to situations. Times have changed and the so called 'feminine traits' are really more important now for men. Emotional Intelligence is a subject that really helped me. It's used in corporate training, job application tests, sports and family counseling to name a few. Emotions are the real motivators behind all our logic and win everytime so to be a man we have to understand them. That is the right way to have them work for us, not us for them. Usually stuffing them isn't the best option and can even be fatal. It's a matter of balance through knowledge. That route will give you insights about women that many men say is impossible. It isn't but their thoughts are about four or five levels in and hard to fathom for that reason. They are an intellectual challenge rather than not intellectually stimilating. That's their attraction and why women are always right. If we don't understand the situation, we best not get into it as we won't carry our load but be an emotional drain, hence she doesn't come to you. If we're full emotionally, sometimes called full spiritually, we're bursting with love and love everyone and everything rather than being needy. She doesn't need needy right now and may never. Search Iliveineasyworld for an emotional uplift and a new attitude. Try self-confidence.co.uk/ missing.html for what we all need and shiftreport.org for what's going on in the world, you may have to get on with your life. Either way, this will all help.

Answer 4

If it has hit her that this may be the end for her mother, you have to give her space. You have supported her and that is all you can do. Some people do not cope well with the death or potential death of a parent, and your girlfriend is one of them. Going out and drinking heavily is her way of dealing with it. Maybe write her a letter and let her know how much you love her and that you will be there for her. Tell her you are worried for her and only want to care for her and she may come to her senses. She needs time to adjust to what is happening and some people tend to hurt the ones closest to them by ignoring them. Just let her know that you will be there for her when she is ready to face facts. It is up to you whether or not you want to hang around for her. I understand you are hurting too, simply because of her behaviour. But unless you tell her this, she will never know.

Answer 5

Hi,

I know it not the answer you probably want but what I advise is to just give her the space she wants a little and then be there for her when she needs you.

It looks as if she is totally confused with all that is happening regarding her mum and she is pushing away those she loves because she feeling scared.

She probably out with friends getting drunk because she wants to block out the emotional pain she is feeling and just to feel 'normal' for one night at least.

The more you text her and ring her the more she will vent all her agrro on you and make rash decisions about the relationship.

I would wait a couple more days then send her a text saying ...

'I know right now you feel you need space and I understand this. I just want you to know that at any time you need to have chat, just get in touch. Thinking of you ....'

See what happens with a text similar to that but chances are she may just be distancing from the relationship because it doesn't feel right for her right now but you are going to have to hang on in there to find out for sure.

But if it not working for you don't feel you need to stay because of the situation with her mum. If you feel the relationship is not working then you need to be open and honest with her. Stringing her along only hurts her more and yourself!

Good luck! I hope all will be ok!

Lx

Answer 6

Just be there for her! Dont hassle her and let her deal with the situation in her own way! At some point you seriously need to have a chat and discuss the situation as you do need to know where you stand but allow her the time at the moment with her mum! I really believe she will come to you when she is ready!!

I think your a really lovely bloke!! A lot of blokes couldnt deal with that!! Good luck!x

Answer 7

No, you are not being selfish, why would you think that? I think your girlfriend needs some space right now, but she shouldn't forget all about her Mum and you. You need to speak to her, find out if she's OK, binge drinking is not going to help her and it certainly won;t help her Mum. I would imagine her Mum needs her now, more than ever and it is her duty to be with her when she is so ill.

Go to her house, find out what she wants from you. let her know that you are there for her but you need to know if she still wants you around. The one person who is important in all of this is her Mum. Talk to your girlfriend as soon as possible, if she tells you to stay away, then do as she asks, she will contact you when she needs you.

Answer 8

She is in another world right now buddy.....I would hazard a guess that she is losing a loved one and is switching off her emotions, and that includes towards you.... Don't force the issue, just drop her a line every now and then asking how she is but don't push the situation....

It is something you cannot really affect so unfortunately you will have to step back and let her see it all through, you can still be there for her eventually if you want to and if she lets you back in...!!!

Answer 9

Aw bless....you and her!
She's obviously not dealing with it very well....don't hassle her, or call and text her all the time.
Just make sure she knows that you're thinking of her and care about her, make sure that she knows that she can talk to about anything and that you will wait for her.
But also tell her that it's hurting you as much as it's hurting her, the way she doesn't contact you and leaves you hanging.
Let her know exactly how you're feeling about the situation but also exactly how you feel about her.
She needs to know that you do care for her and that you are there for her, but she also needs to know that it's hurting you not knowing where you stand, and being left hanging.

Hope this helps you out mate, hope it all works out well for ya!Take care

Answer 10

maybe shes trying to distance herself from you.. i mean she loves her mother very much and now shes dying, she obviously liked/loved you very much because she agreed to be your girlfriend however long ago so maybe shes afraid of being hurt to this extent with/by you, so shes tryin to protect herself....

she also could be avoiding you because she knows that u know what shes going through rite now and her friends mite not know the extent of things, so by being with them, it gives her a chance to forget about how bad things are rite now and lets her be "free" to enjoy herself for a couple of hours...


if shes not answering your call etc maybe you should go around to the house or visit the hospital, bring flowers to her mum.. but if u do go to the hospital try not get to heavy on her about why shes avoiding you... if u meet her at the house it would be easier to talk to her about that there...

but what ever you do tell her your there for her and no matter what happens you wont desert her.


i hope everything turns out ok :)