Why can't I stop being angery and move on?

Question

When I was young, starting at six, I was put in numerous foster homes, treatment centers and group homes by my mother who was convinced that I was mentally ill. After years of rejection by her, hurt was replaced with anger and rage and I began to prove her right. I would blow up for no apparent reason and get so mad and frustrated that I would become a danger to myself and others. Medication just seemed to make it worse and trust me, I been on the best of them.
Over the years after stoping the medication I learned to control my rage. I became an active member of society, had a child and graduated college. I even told my mother I forgive her, although that is not true. I just knew it was what was expected of me, to forgive and move on. But inside I am still so angry. I find myself envious of those who had a normal childhood, I can't maintain stable relationships, and I find myself getting angry at my daughter alot.
I want to move on, be happy with my life, but don't know how. Help!!!

One of the reasons I am so desperate to move on and find happiness is because although I fight not to, I sometimes find myself rejecting my daughter like my mom rejected me. When I get angry I will tell her to leave me alone, or go away. I know I am doing this so I can calm down and be good. But she is only three, she doesn't understand why I am telling her to go away, she only feels the rejection and gets hurt by it.
I would never put her in homes like my mom did to me, but rejection is rejection in any form it comes in.
Sometimes it is like I am so scared of getting hurt that I am even scared of letting my own daughter in and I use anger as a defense. If anyone knows any solutions to this please tell me.

Answer 1

I do not know, but when you find out do email me and let me know, seriously.

Answer 2

For now, don't be afraid to apologize to your daughter. If she's young, she is likely to think that she deserves your anger, and apologizing can both let her know which anger occasions she shouldn't take seriously, and let her know that you love her enough to admit to her when you've made a mistake. But don't overdo it, either, because you don't want to scare her by conveying that you're falling apart.
___Apologizing can also help with your guilt, and might make it easier to treat you daughter as a dignified person instead of a dependent that you have to keep up a facade with. This isn't the same as dumping your worries on your daughter, and looking to her for solace. But you can find a midpoint between the invulnerable facade that makes your anger more intimidating to your daughter and a dependent parent with boundary issues that overburdens her. And achieving a more human relationship with her can make it easier to deal with issues that arise, and take some of the stress out of your parenting.
___Learning to control your rage is huge. Congratulations. Some people have to ruin their lives and lose everything before they take a look at their own flaws seriously.
___Finding a good therapist might help, but make sure you find one you feel comfortable with. You sound self-aware enough not to be seeking someone who will tell you what he or she thinks you want to hear. This might make your search harder. Since you have issues with your mother, you might wnat to see a woman, but watch out for one who tries to mother you, or who is ideologically feminist. There are some feminists who treat men with respect, but some don't.
___If your mother was kind of incompetent as a parent, it might help someday (though not necessarily today) to consider if she did the best she could with the capabilities she had, and resolve to do your best with your own child. The insight you show and your concern for your daughter should help her childhood be happier than yours was.
___And don't forget to tell your daughter you love her. Even when she's a teenager, and no matter how rough her adolescence gets. If it's a tough time, your love for her will make you more patient, whether you like ot or not, so plan as if you were already there. You'll do OK.

Answer 3

it is difficult to be a parent when you have had no positive roll models....... you are doing fabulous for the beginnings you have. Joyce meyers went thur a horrible child hood even worse than you and came out.... she has helped countless people. visit her website for a list of teaching on this subject.
It takes time for emotional healing........ your daughter doesnt understand rejection. it damages a child heart and confidence as we know.
you feel betrayed by the one person who should had been the one who loved you the best and nutured you.
Maybe she just didnt have it to give and didnt know how too.
Maybe like you she was mistreated and didnt know how to be a better parent too.
Find you a mentor get some counseling . if you have come so far............ you can do it. have it all. God bless you You are a aawsome mom and human being...........
parenting classes would help you and your daughter too.
Dont pass the behavior and coping pattern down to your daughter . the buck stops here.
Find a good loving church and go there and get involved.
Hang around positive people..........
A lot of people come from dysfuntional backgrounds.

Answer 4

First I want to congratulate you to your courage. You know you do have an anger problem and what's more: you are asking for help. My childhood would have been much different if my Dad would have asked for help. I agree with modest_proposer. A therapist you feel comfortable with is a good way to proceed.

From my own experience - and I really don't know if it is the same for you, but maybe it is worth thinking about:
I could manage my anger better as soon as I accepted that I was right to be angry. For a long time I felt soooooo guilty because I was angry at my Dad. Being angry at my Dad made me feel guilty and so I suppressed my anger. I thought myself to be a bad daughter. I knew how he grew up and I thought I should be more understanding. It got to the point that I felt responsible for his outbreaks. A therapist helped me to see through all this.
I was a child. He was a grownup. He could have asked for help for his problem. He was responsible not me. I did not deserve to be treated that way. He was wrong. I was right to be very angry at him. This was the turning point for me: allowing myself to be so very mad at him gave my anger the right direction: at him not at everybody else around me. And with time and help from my therapist I was finally able to let my anger go (actually when I was ready I burned my anger in a cardboard box in the backyard :).
I wish you the very best.
Pemma

Answer 5

I can understand you being angry inside but you have to not take it out on your daughter. You really don't want to effect her in any way. I know that everyone goes through hard stages in life, some more then others and it hurts when you see a happy wholesome family with values and closeness. But always remember, there is someone always worse off then yourself. Be happy with what you have now. That you are able to give your daughter the best chance in life and too see her bring happiness shared into your life.The love that you may have missed out on when you were younger may surely be around with your daughter in older years.You will see her grow to be a beautiful young girl who will love her mum and may even bless you with some adorable grandchildren! Look towards the happiness in the future, rather then a hurtful past.. Good luck.

Answer 6

As I finish working on my Phd in counseling, I too am working through issues. Here are some of my thoughts on your anger having had a rough childhood too.

Your anger and rage are a direct response to continuous rejection. Theorists have worked on this problem for centuries but what it comes down to is that you have to learn to forgive and love yourself. Cheesy, yes, but its the truth. You reject the one little girl who will love you the most because all of your life you have been told that you aren't worthy of love or kindness. You have to find a place of self-worth and acceptance before you can manage the anger and the rage. As a child you did not deserve what was done to you from the get go. You did not deserve parents who did not know how or chose not to take care of you. YOU WERE A CHILD! You did not deserve the rejection from your foster parents. YOU WERE A CHILD!

As an adult, you can chose to be angry at those people and everyone that comes into contact with you out of some underlying fear of rejection or because of anticipation of rejection. If you expect the very worst and protect against with anger and rage, you will only ever have anger, rage and rejection returned. You can even get your baby to hate you too.

You have the choice to be angry, rageful, and miserabley alone. It is your choice. Starting today, this very second, look around your world and find blessings. Being ate up with anger and rage, eats away at the good and only empowers those who instilled this in you whether they care, know or give two hoots in haitis about you know. TRUST ME!!! Your lights work at your house because you paid the bill not because your neighbor likes the fixtures or doesn't. You have to make a choice to take control of you, of yourself, of your emotions, and of your relationships with the world around you. This isn't self-help bs but a sincere life choice. You have to find the good because it is around you.... Look at your child. Take it one day at a time and try each day to acknowledge blessings. Count in your head when you are ready to explode. When you are about to say something nasty, remind yourself how you would feel if some jerk would say it to your child. All this time we have both spent being angry and trying to forgive these not kind people has made us in someways their perpetual victims. You do not have to forgive your mom. You just can't let her actions define your entire being now. You survived her and are better for it now. You have to change your internal dialogue and let it go.

Remember no one controls your thoughts better than you could and without your permission so focus on the current blessings because they are all around you especially with your child.

Answer 7

You are a strong person to have accomplished all that you have, I admire that.

Anger is a normal emotion, but it is best to try to drop it asap. If you realize that your mom isn't perfect and that she not equiped to be a mom you may be able to forgive her.

Please don't assume that people with "normal childhoods" had good childhoods. I think once you accept that you won't be as envious.

You might heal if you decide to show your daughter the life you wish you had.

You need to work this out with a professional. Good luck.

Answer 8

You love your daughter and you want to give her the childhood you missed out on. That is wonderful. You need to put her needs first even when you are feeling angry. One idea you might try when you need to be away from her for awhile is to give her an appropriate activity to engage in on her own and tell her you just need some "alone time". Even little kids can start to learn about the fact that all of us need to be alone sometimes, especially when we have to get our feelings or behavior under control.
The problems you are experiencing and the trauma of your childhood are not easy things to recover from, but while you are working on that goal, your daughter is growing up. She cannot wait for you to get things "right". She just needs you to love her and be there for her now.
Getting therapy to help you would probably be a good idea. In the meantime, one way to cope with intruding negative thoughts and feelings is to simply, consciously put them out of your mind. When you find yourself thinking about bad things, just tell yourself "that's not allowed" and give yourself something pleasant to think about, such as an activity with your daughter or an event you are looking forward to. Make plans to do lots of special activities with your daughter so that you both will have many wonderful memories of how you spent time together. Go to museums, the zoo, shopping, concerts, trips, picnics, walks, .....just do things with her. Helping give her a wonderful childhood can be a way for you to experience one through her.

Answer 9

O.K. First things first-you need to take back your child hood!!!! Try taking your daughter to the park-get some bread and go feed the ducks-get some fresh air and just look around you and appreciate your surroundings!! Go for a walk/jog with your daughter-get out and breathe and make it a thing between you and her-LAUGH AND LIVE! When you get out and use your body in a positive healthy way, you in turn release ENDORPHINS, the feel good chemical in your brain, and alleviates your stress-it works-you just have to want to feel better about your self and then make the move to get outdoors!!!! Save your $ and your sanity!!!! Do something for your self and quit living in the past!!! Good Luck-you only have you to save you!!! :)

Answer 10

you dont need to forgive your mother or be in touch with her because she doesn't deserve that and now you're in the position to reject her for good i mean. but, where you should be careful is how you treat your daughter. if you give her love she'll give it back, if not, you'll make her life bad just like your mom did. so, the bottom line is, ignore the bad people and help the good ones, your daughter, etc

Answer 11

Thank you for your honesty.

Currently, you are your yesterday. As long as you are yesterday, you are not today.

Redouble your best efforts to stay in present form.

By the way, do you see the problem you cause yourself by being dishonest with yourself about the sincerity of your forgiveness? Start there and stay with until it is fixed.

If you don't fix it this time, you'll be delayed in getting to a better place. Try harder!