do you like this poem?

Question

You told me not to be so cliche, so I tried something a bit different from my usual taste...


title: The Shadowing

I stand alone,
A supernal breeze flows by...
As I catch my breath,
I close my eyes,
And count the seconds as they go by.
Silence fills the air;
Clouds engulf the sun,
The light sudden darkens.
I make no movements,
No words spoken.
Rain slowly starts to pour.
The impossibility of summer rains,
grasping the opportunity;
Overpower the sun.
But victory was short lived,
As the sun did rise again.

Answer 1

This is pretty good. I can't find a line that sucks.

Answer 2

Please accept this critique in the affectionate spirit it is offered.
OK, here’s my take -

VERBAL:

I stand alone,
A supernal breeze flows by... *** ‘flows by’ not necessary
As I catch my breath,
I close my eyes,
And count the seconds as they go by. *** lose ‘as they go by’
Silence fills the air;
Clouds engulf the sun,
The light sudden darkens. *** needs more punch
I make no movements,
No words spoken. *** you’re alone. Why would you be speaking?
Rain slowly starts to pour.
The impossibility of summer rains, *** summer rains aren’t impossible
grasping the opportunity;
Overpower the sun.
But victory was short lived,
As the sun did rise again. *** the sun was clouded, not set


POETIC:
Make the summer rain about life. Fill it with longing and hope
Here’s what I would do. (Copy the spirit – not the style)


Title: Lost in Time

I stand alone, in that moment when
A timid courage crackles in the breeze.
I catch my breath, and so it catches me.
And close my eyes to touch what can’t be seen

The silence, then a thundering of rage,
Mortal clouds rebuke the Holy Sun.
And darkness falls commingled with such tears
As ever fell through time and time again.

The sheer audacity of summer rain.
To think it could command the endless sky.
To pick the fight it knows it cannot win.
To pick the fight.

From earth we come, and to the earth we go.
So rain from sun, and to the sun return.
There is no blazing truth we can’t endure
While white and grey still mock the boundless blue

In this moment, and this moment hence,
It’s meager fare, yet somehow all we need.
The moral rain bestows on mortal man,
Pretense of victory.

Answer 3

It really doesn't matter

The shadowing, the lightening

It is the same, it is just a reflection of:

Where we at.

It is only different to us

From where we are at.



We never stand alone,

The sun is always there.

The sun never fall, never rise...

It just burning itself there...

We are here, standing on the earth.

We never stop, we always move,

Within the forever movement of earth.

The earth move around the sun,

For the perfect balance of love,

Bring the light, the dark and the rain...

For us to see, to hear, to breath...

To live, to die, to be, to not to be...

It doesn't matter where we at

It is forever there... The Love

It doesn't matter, we do or do not like it.

Answer 4

I like it a lot. A couple of nit-picks though. First, I'm guessing you've coined a new word; "supernal". At first it gave me pause for thought, but on reflection it really works. Second, I would have preferred; " seconds as they fly" as it avoids a repeat of "by" used 3 lines earlier. And finally, maybe the singular (e.g. "movement") as it reduces the tendency to sibilance in this part of the work. Keep your thoughts hitting the page, they really impact.

Answer 5

Very good. You make good use of all the various
sorts of puncuation marks, which is very important
when it comes to making a poem flow smoothly.

I'm reminded of Simon & Garfukel's famous 1966
song--which I heard on the radio just hours ago--
"Sounds of Silence".

Very well-written. I wouldn't change a thing!

Answer 6

i dont usually comment that people have written good poems, but there is a certain type of style and honesty in the way you have written this poem that makes it beautiful to picture in.

Answer 7

I got hung up when you mentioned closing your eyes. You didn't mention opening them up again. Therefore, is all this visual stuff you talk about later on happening in reality or is it just what you are imagining while your eyes are shut?

Answer 8

its good,
nice words.