Tell what you think of my poem?

Question

Strikes my heart
That these feelings
Are so vague

Vague as in
Smoke
Going through the air
Invisible as it is
Not something
You can put your
Hand on
Is it?

But they are everywhere
But they make everything
But they make things right
They makes thing is complicated
But they are so vague
Like smoky haze in air

I like keeping it short

Answer 1

good, my birthday today

Answer 2

I like the concept...however, "invisible" is not the same as "intangible"...you said it was "not something you can put your hand on"...that would be "intangible"..."invisible" means you can't "see" it. You already said smoke was "vague", that means it's "not" invisible, only vague. Another word similar to "intangible" is "ethereal". Also, "never" define a word in your poem...if you say "intangible", "ethereal", or even "invisible", don't spend the next several lines telling us what you meant...you were supposed to do that "with" the word you chose...if the word is insufficiently clear, use another one!

Also, you are saying that "feelings are" everywhere, that they "make everything", but they "make things right", they "makes" thing is complicated (oooh, grammar, grammar!)...then you repeat yourself again saying they are vague...like smoky haze in air...nope, not the best way to go. This is what your poem says:

feelings are vague like smoke, invisible because you can't touch them, but they are everywhere and make everything, but they make them right and complicated because they are vague like smoke.

see what I mean? not much to it...circular logic.

The good news is that you tried to create something that expressed an inner feeling in a way that went beyond mere words...then posted it for others to critique. That's brave on both counts. Now, take the feedback and the next time you write, think about what I said...be clear, use the right words for the right meaning, don't repeat yourself or define the words you used, and don't contradict yourself. Sounds easier than it is at times.

keep trying...and keep writing!

Answer 3

I like it because the reader is left with a vague feeling of a smoky haze in the air.

Answer 4

Too many short verses.
Why not try prose, and build your sentences, as the ideas are good ?

Answer 5

It is short. It wants to be spooky, but spends too much time defining spooky.

Answer 6

Nice.

Answer 7

I like your poem

Answer 8

i like it