my poem:life,death,love and hate?

Question

warning: came up with this poem in the middle of the night and my rhyming isn't that good..

In the eyes of deathwe look
and we fightwe figh
with all our might
until our willpower seeps away just like our wealth.

In the eyes of love
we fall and we sing
it has that aura, an attractive bling
with that feeling, you soar into the sky like a dove.

in the eyes of hate
we show it and we hide
having to choose a side
this world is what WE create.

in the eyes of life
we smile and we rejoice
to the world,we spread out joys
and into this new adventure, we happily dive.

i am not a poet and don't intend to be..say anything you want

Answer 1

I was expellermussed once, but I did go on to become the poet I did not want to be in the first place.

Answer 2

First of all, this is a poem...and if you wrote it, you are a poet...that's they way it works: you write poetry...you become a poet...whether or not you want to be one, you are. so there :)

Your poem...it needs editing, but you indicated that it was done in the middle of the night, in haste, didn't rhyme, etc., etc., etc. which is like an artist posting a painting in a gallery and saying "I didn't take too much time with this one, I used ugly paint and I didn't have time to make the arms the same length, but...what do you think?" well, I think the arms are different lengths, the paint is a little ugly and it looks like you didn't take too much time with it...why, should it look otherwise?

Don't despair. The mistakes you made are the ones made by just about every other "poet" out there. You settled into an ABBA rhyme pattern (not to be confused with the Swedish rock band of the 80's), but you didn't use that for the first or last stanzas...naughty...if you're going to settle into a pattern, it should be the same for all the stanzas (don't play favorites, okay?). Also, you forced a rhyme when you didn't need to..."an attractive bling"..."bling"? why not just "an attractive thing"? although "thing" may have been predictable, it doesn't sound contrived like "bling". something to think about.

Overall your poetic message is good, but its telling is uneven...but like you said, it needs work. Which brings me to one of the normal mistakes young poets make: trying too hard to rhyme. Rhyming so that it doesn't sound like you're trying to rhyme isn't easy. So, if you really want to rhyme, work at it. Or, try writing some open or free verse poetry and if you occasionally get a line that rhymes with another line, that's okay, just don't make a habit of it in a free verse poem. Once you get better at showing your thoughts (remember, show, not tell), then you can start experimenting with rhyme. You have the rest of your life...take your time, learn the craft, and keep writing...poet! :)

Answer 3

It was OK. Don't give up it needs a little work but I got what you where saying. If I had to say 1-10 ten being the highest I would say 5 Because there's lots a people who cant get as far as you did and it was in the middle of the night. If you love writing poems then keep writing them. You'll get better at it.

Answer 4

No, I hate the Cubs the main, then the Twins, then the crimson Wings, then the Packers so i assume I hate 2 communities from baseball earlier I hate communities from the different pastime. i'm a White Sox, Blackhawks, Bears fan btw.

Answer 5

interesting...
it has the potential to be really good, it just needs some editing. (or proof-reading to say the least) gotta love spelling errors and missplaced spaces.

but yeah, it's got potential... i'd suggest a rewrite to make it stronger.

for someone who's not a poet, this sure seems poetic to me.

Answer 6

It is okay, but it is that much.

Reread and use spell check for you first few lines need help.

It is too bad that this is not a path that you wish to take, for with education and work you could possibly ......

Answer 7

It was crap. I pick lint out of my belly button more poetic than that.

Answer 8

You have issues...
However; you also got talent!!!!