My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for about 5 years now and she has had 4 miscarriages. It has made us become distant and our relationship has become very strained. We don't have the fun we used to...and since the last time she miscarried we have hardly had one decent conversation. I almost don't want her to get pregnant now so she doesn't get hurt again and we are pushed to the brink of divorce. Is this normal...to want to give up? Is there any way we can get back to normal? I know a baby would do the trick but I have a gut feeling that that will never happen. We are both 35 btw. Thanks for anyone who helps.
2007-08-06 18:31:36 · 15 answers · asked by jake_s44 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I can see why you would feel that way. Tell her how you feel and get her to open up to you.
2007-08-06 19:06:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell your wife how you are feeling...about how the miscarriages and stress that goes with it has made you become distant. Take her out and try to have fun again. Don't give up!! Marriage is a lot of work...remember the vows you took - for better or worse, in sickness and in health (well assuming those were your vows) anyway...even if they weren't - Stick it out- but you got to let her know how you feel about the relationship and how you don't want her to get hurt. I think you should give it a little more time between trying too. 4 miscarriages in 5 yrs. is quite a bit.
I've had them myself and it makes you feel awful mentally like something maybe wrong with you and you think all kinds of crap. I finally had 2 successful pregnancies. And, I dont know what advise your dr. has given, but you should talk with the dr. also - could there be a problem with her carrying? or whatever? find out.
There are a lots of babies and kids that need love out there - and I know it isn't 'the same' but have you talked about adoption or foster parenting?
I think you should really try working on your marriage first because if you do end up pregnant than you will have a baby in an unhappy marriage.
best of luck
2007-08-06 19:38:25 · answer #2 · answered by Kmmv 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear about your losses. Struggling with an issue like this is tough on both of you, and it does strain the relationship. Whether it be from guilt, blame, misunderstanding, ect., it is tough and can lead to depression in one or both of you. You both need to sit down and talk about how you feel towards each other and see if you still have the spark that brought you together in the first place. There is no reason to try and bring a child into the relationship right now to try and patch things, until you both straighten out the issues with your relationship. If need be, go to counseling to work out the problems, then discuss your other options on having a baby-TTC again, seeing a fertility specialist, adoption, surrogate mother, ect. The possibilities are endless! Good Luck!
2007-08-06 19:05:55 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
no its ok . some may look at that as selfish i hav a girlfriend who this has happen to 3 times her self her last one she was 39 weeks and they couldn't find a heart beat. she was devastated ! not saying that u dont want that ,but its something that women long for u guys should try some counseling first and see .just try and talking to her and see if she would even consider? hopefully everything works out for the best. becuz thats just like when there is a child that has been born and then either dies or something else happens were the child dies almost every marriage never survives after that becuz it puts a big strain on everyone and then the finger is pointed and its down hill from there. but u guys may need time apart . good luck
2007-08-06 18:43:07 · answer #4 · answered by sean a 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, let me say I am so sorry to hear about your pregnancy problems. Yes, it's normal to want to give up with all these problems, that's give up wanting to get pregnant, I mean. Your wife probably feels like she is failing as a wife and a woman-her body is failing her in doing what women have been doing since life began. That's a lot to deal with, even if she doesn't consciously admit it. Can you talk to her about it and express your concerns for her health, both mental and physical? Or could you go to her doctor and ask them to help you by recommending not getting pregnant for a certain time period (like 6-12 months)? Use that time to basically re-woo her, romance her again like when you first started dating. Maybe-and only if you're CERTAIN that she is open to the idea-you could talk about adoption, but only if you are sure she will not take it as a personal attack or judgment of her. Most of all, I would talk to her. Good luck.
2007-08-06 18:42:36 · answer #5 · answered by n2mama 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Could you possibly foster children, or adopt?
Miscarriages can make or break the relationship. I guess we could start making suggestions to reduce the risk of miscarriage (like eat no preservative/fail-safe diet, don't have any ultrasounds etc) but I guess maybe what you need to tell her is how much you love her, and that even without kids you still want to spend the rest of your life with her, and if you have a successful pregnancy that is fine, but that wont make you love her more or less (etc).
Divorce will just make things worse, and she will feel - ''i can't keep a husband or a baby''. keep reaffirming your love for her, don't say anything like 'wouldn't it be great if we had a kid' etc, that could just make her more depressed. I hope that helps.
2007-08-06 18:39:40 · answer #6 · answered by mumontherun 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need a break. I've had friends that went through years of infertility problems and it was heart breaking... Goodness, miscarriages are even more stressful! I certainly think it would be healthy to at least ask her to consider birth control for a year and so that you two can recover from all the loss and stress. She may not be able to hear you or communicate very well about this anymore.. Please invite her to therapy with you... you two have been through a lot! God bless.
2007-08-06 18:39:37 · answer #7 · answered by Bentley 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you did not tell us what the Dr says,anyway your wife needs your complete support,i once had a miscarriage after my first kid and even though i had a son then but i was very depressed,stand by her try to go out a lot and be more romantic ,may be you now use sex for babies not for pleasure,she has all the right,do not give up on her ,and be sure that your mooed affect having a baby or not.if you r convinced you will not have one but be sure that What you need to have is faith and hope
2007-08-06 19:03:46 · answer #8 · answered by mony y 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know what you mean, it must be hard for both of you. I am sorry for your lost. You can get back to normal but it might not be easy. Did you tell your wife about ur feelings, that you dont want her to get hurt again? If not u might should tell her and it always gives other ways to have a baby, did ya thought about that? i mean did you thought about in vitro fertilization or adoption?
2007-08-06 18:40:55 · answer #9 · answered by ? 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you know, i think it would be normal to feel this way, but have you tried fertility drugs? maybe... or maybe try not to think about having a baby and go about your daily lifes and do small things to help bond again... you never know... cuz being under stress can be a reason why you guys havent been able to conceive... i wish you the best of luck... if you cant conceive.. take full advantage of the fact that you dont have children and go out and reallly live your life..
2007-08-06 18:38:17 · answer #10 · answered by tired. 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well there is one solution. That is doctor will collect your sperm and her egg and do something artificially. Well I dont know about that. Just ask about that to a good doctor. That is the best so that you will get your own child.
SORRY FOR MY LIMITED KNOWLEDGE. BUT IAM SURE THIS WILL HELP YOU.
2007-08-07 02:49:44 · answer #11 · answered by abina s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋