I don't want my wife to get pregnant?

Question

My wife and I have been trying to have a baby for about 5 years now and she has had 4 miscarriages. It has made us become distant and our relationship has become very strained. We don't have the fun we used to...and since the last time she miscarried we have hardly had one decent conversation. I almost don't want her to get pregnant now so she doesn't get hurt again and we are pushed to the brink of divorce. Is this normal...to want to give up? Is there any way we can get back to normal? I know a baby would do the trick but I have a gut feeling that that will never happen. We are both 35 btw. Thanks for anyone who helps.

Answer 1

I think you just need to look at it from her point of view. She thinks its her fault that she cant have a baby and she feels guilty and useless. Even though i'm sure you love her enough to know that its not her fault, she still feels this way. So you might want to try to get close to her. Take away the pressure of wanting to have a baby from her because she feels like she cant please you. Have you guys considered adopting? I'm sure there are plenty of babies in need of good parents and you guys seem to be good candidates since you really want a baby. Its normal to want to give up, just dont give up on the relationship! Talk to her, tell her how much you care and like i said before, just take away the pressure of you wanting a baby. Talking is the best way to get things back to normal. If you really want to have a baby, have you guys consulted a doctor about this? Although, i dont suggest taking fertility pills b/c of the high risk of having tripplets..or even quintuplets for that matter. Trust me, as long as you guys stop worrying about having a baby, you guys can focus on your love and relationship instead. try to be good and have a little bit of patience..she'll come around! good luck!

Answer 2

You should get through the verbal communication before even thinking about trying anything physical again - go see a marriage councilor or something like that.
It does seem normal tho, because of so many losses.
And your wife should see someone about the miscarraiges. A doctor might know, or they might send her to a specific person for help on it.
Or just might be a sign that you should adopt, but it depends on if you're spiritual (like a friend's family friend couldn't get pregnant for years, but when they heard about adoption in a 3rd world country, they adopted a toddler and a year later they had a healthy baby boy. Of course they're both strong Christians and believed it was a sign to adopt before having their own child...)

So yeah, seek professional help for your marriage and your wife for her miscarriages (if it happens more than once, there's obviously a problem).

Answer 3

A lot of couples that miscarry go through this. No, it isn't wrong for you to not want to keep trying because of your reasons. sit down and have a heart to heart with your wife and tell her how you feel. If things are really to the point of not being able to have a conversation, that's what needs to be worked on first. A baby shouldn't come into the world with two parents that can't talk to each other. Work on remembering why you love each other then see how you both feel about trying again.

Answer 4

First, how does she feel? Second, is there a medical reason behind all of this? Third, use condoms. Or a diaphragm. Abstain. Do bases 1-3 and reestablish fun and intimacy and leave our the home run. Whatever. Take some of the of the pressure off. Start all over. Date her again. Get to know her. Kids, money and sex are the big marriage breakers. Have you thought about seeking some counseling? Have an impartial party give you two a safe place to talk about things?
Good luck!

Answer 5

Having a miscarriage can be very devastating in a marriage especially to the wife. I know that this has been a stressful time for you but a part of being married is being there through thick and thin. Don't give up on your marriage but try to figure out ways to make things better. Have you suggested adopting? What about counseling or talking to the doctor about pregnacy alternatives. Explain to your wife that though the child would not be biologically hers there are plenty of children out here waiting for a loving mommy like you know she would be. Try encouraging her as much as you can even when it gets hard. Best of wishes!

Answer 6

Is she seeing a specialist to help her figure out why she is having the miscarriages? Would she be open to adoption or surrogacy? If you tell her you don't want her to get pregnant that might make even more of a strain on the marriage. She needs to go to councling to deal with the miscarriages and you will just need to be there for her. Hopefully she will get her baby which might make her feel a lot better but you still have to deal with the marital problems so I think councling would be best at this point.

Answer 7

Why don't you consider adoption?

I think you guys want a baby, and adoption would certainly be a good way to get one. Loving a child will bring out the love in you for each other as well.

And you might just be surprised by nature. I know people who have adopted and then had one of their own, because things became so much less pressured after arrival of the adopted child.

And you're not too old and you aren't the first people to have experienced this. Relax. Have fun and let nature take its course.

Answer 8

Sounds like the two of you need to work on verbal communication before worry about all the physical stuff. Oh, and a baby is not the resolution to your problem...work out the other stuff before you try again for baby...baby will come when you don't try so hard. Good luck

Answer 9

Of course its normal, you have been through a lot. Why dont you talk to your wife, tell your how your feeling. She`ll feel much better to know how you feel and you`ll feel better to get it off your chest. If you really want a child and your worried, adoption is always an option. Good luck!

Answer 10

That must be so difficult. I recommnend that you see a marriage counselor. It seems like you might need professional help repairing your relationship after so many devastating losses.

I wish you the best.