Can our relationship be saved?

Question

My fiance and I have been together for 4 yrs off and on. We now have a 14 month old. I feel like all we do is fight and when I talk to him about our relationship he sometimes says he wants to be w/me b/c of our daughter, and he's sick of me b/c all I do is gripe. Well I asked him to go to a counsler w/me and he hates the idea, but I think the only way for us to have a fighting chance is to talk to someone and hear what they have to say. I don't want my little girl to grow up in a house where all we do is fight. It's not healthy, but will this work even though he doesn't really want to do it??

Maybe I do gripe a lot more than I should, but I just feel we have lost that connection we used to have. I just thought if we went and talked to someone they could kinda be a ref. and that would open our eyes to what we are both doing wrong. B/c maybe I grip but he's not perfect either. I just feel when you are in a relationship you should share responsibilities, like house chores (and not just taking out the trash and mowing). He does work 12 hr days, but I work too and then I come home and take care of our child. You know we both love our little girl so much, but sometimes I feel we don't LOVE each other like we should. Anyways, it's a tuff one but to me it just might be worth the struggle to save "us". He finally did say fine you set up the appt and I'll go. So I set it up with a preacher ar our local church. Well let me know what yall think??

Answer 1

I have to congratulate you on being so aware. so few people are. I think that you should go to a counselor, by yourself and discuss your concerns. He does not need to know if that may cause trouble, but you may be able to ease him into the situation once you can get some peace of mind. Perhaps you just need some validation of the relationship. Sometimes, when kids are mixed in, it makes things a little hazy and some folks act like the kids they are rearing. (It's not always the male feeling put out, either, so don't jump me guys.) Relationships with kids are not always easy. So, think about gaining some perspective on your own. It may make your relationship better, if you have the right tools to build on it. Once you are making headway and the situation relaxes, then you can get somewhere with your love. Make yourself strong and gain some strength to fortify the relationship. It's all about learning to be a good parent and spouse. Your little one depends on someone to step up and be the adult. Relationships and kids do not automatically make us good family units. Gain insight and perspective, sweetie. It'll be alright in the end.

Take Care and God Bless.
Peace.

Answer 2

Yes, your relationship can be saved.
It is very common when things are not so rosy for someone to say that they are only in the relationship for the children.
Just because he doesn't want to go to a counsellor doesn't mean that he doesn't want to work things out. Many men (and women) cannot bring themselves to talk about their problems in front of a stranger even if that stranger is a professional. It is a big step to acknowledge that you are having difficulties resolving issues on your own and that you may need help elsewhere. Often men think that the counsellor will take his partner's side and his opinions will not be heard. Unfortunately many counsellors make this mistake.
You are right about your child being in a house with parents who are in turmoil but that is no reason to give up on your relationship. The best lesson you can give her in life which will put her in a position of having successful and loving relationships when she is a woman is to show her that although you and her father are going through some hard times you don't 'quit' and put the effort into turning your current situation around and moving forwards.

Please contact me at my website. I am an online counsellor. Your partner may be interested in speaking with someone via e-mail with you who cannot physically see him. It is private and confidential. I am offering a 20 mins of free online counselling. All the details are on my site.
http://www.whenharrymarriedsally.com

Answer 3

sweetheart, u cannot force anyone to do something that they truly don't want to do. I'm sorry but thats just the way it is. Do you think that there isn't a way that yall could find a happy medium? Maybe you don't gripe so much or what ever? Let it go, and don't make a big deal out of things that aren't a big deal, ya know? Maybe there is a way to fix the marriage, but you can't make a marriage work if the both of you aren't all for it. Understand? If he doens't want to be married to you, then there is nothing that you could do about it. It just may not work. I wish you the best of luck however. But sometimes you just have to try not to fight. Let it go, don't make a big deal out of everything. And just sometimes you just have to agree to disagree!

Answer 4

Its unfortunate that you 2 had a baby without a healthy relationship. Sometimes it is better to just go your seperate ways and share custody. If you 2 can act like adults and have a systematic schedule for child visitation then things can work out great. I don't think it is a good idea to stay together and fight all the time, the child won't grow up in a happy home like she deserves.

Answer 5

Don't waste your time or money if he doesn't like the idea it won't work only because he will not open himself up to anyone. He will leave you maybe not now but he will just as soon as a pretty little co-worker catches his eye.Men open up to other women that's how all affairs start and your b/f is a prime candidate for an affair. Be careful with the griping with you don't want to lose him to someone else if you haven't already.

Answer 6

sweetie, first let me say that i know exactly what you are dealing with right now cuz I'm going through the same thing! I've been with my husband for a total of 12yrs. we didn't always fight but we started to after he was ill. when he recovered, he wasn't the same. we just celebrated our 7th yr wedding ann, and it just gets worse every year., he says that he'll change for the better and i hate to say, he doesn't, that's why were just a hop, skip,and a jump away from divorce. to answer your question, i don't have to, you already did. it's not gonna work, it's not healthy for your child and it may be time to move on. i really am sorry for your situation but i do understand and if you need to talk further, I'm here. good luck to you and i know that you'll do whats best for you and your child, good luck..

Answer 7

For it to work out and be resolved both people have to agree to it. As you said, it doesn't seem like he wants to go with the idea. If he says he does want it to work and he still doesn't want to see a counselor, Ask him what he suggest. I know it is hard when having children you can't just find it easy to walk away, but if it isn't working and he isn't at least willing to make it work, maybe it is indeed a good choice to just move on. You don't want your child growing up in a home like that. Like I said though Sweetie, if he is willing to make it work and find some help then indeed it might work once again. You both should agree on something you both will like, to help you two with your relationship. : )

-- I wish you both happiness! &* Good luck !

Answer 8

Please, please don't get married wth your relationship in this state. It might improve things short term (honeymoon period), but if things go wrong then it will make things a nightmare if you have to divorce as well. Have you any friends\family that you can ask for help. Someone to babysit while you and your partner go back to basics on your relationship. Remember why you both fell in love and got together. You have to talk about the problems in your relationship, thats not argue!. Be honest, if you feel he will blow if you discuss your problems with him, then let him talk about his issues with you first, don't but in.. Let him finish then take a long hard look at the answers and if there are issues make the changes, both of you. Its worth it for yourselves and your baby. Good Luck!

Answer 9

Good luck to you and good on you for wanting to work it out for your daughters sake. Counselling does work better when both parties are committed to making it work, however I have known of men who have gone reluctantly at first and ended up loving it. Counselling does sound like a good idea for you, I would recommend choosing a male counsellor so your fiance feels more comfortable and less like he is being attacked by another woman. I wish you all the best.

Answer 10

you need to work at it. Men and women communicate differently, and interpret answers differently. Genetically our brains are so different, that's why we hear things our partner is not saying! Chances are, he feels you are always going on at him, when you are trying to talk to him. You may feel he is ignoring or belittling you. Get off to counselling. Splitting up won't help -you'll only find you're going through he same problems again in 4 years time. Work at this - you can do it.