Just found out that my husband was having an affair with another person.?

Question

I love him so much, so much that I don't want to lose him. I told him that I am so disappointed and sad. He said that he would end it and had managed to do it. I told him that he is forgiven but it is very painful for me. The thing is how can I pull through it. Any suggestion?

Answer 1

You have done a lot already.

You have accepted the affair, and you have forgiven him, but he is going to have to earn back your trust. That is a simple fact and a job that he needs to do. This means you are going to want to keep closer tabs on him. I don’t mean an every day, every minute accounting, but you are going to need to know about his comings and goings.

Tell him this; “You have to earn back your trust and yes, he has to prove it. It is a sad thing to say, but I am only human. You hurt me and I want to lash back. I don’t want to hurt you, I want to forgive you; but as penance you are going to have to keep me better informed of where you are. I don’t know for how long, but you have to do something until you earn back my trust in you.”

After this point you can get mean and tough or just let it go at that. There are GPS trackers that go into cell phones and can be read by another cell phone. If he gets that then you will know where each other is every day, every minute.

You can demand all of the passwords to his email accounts, but he will just set up another one if he wants to cheat. You can read the history on his computers to see where he has surfed to, but that won’t tell you what he is emailing.

It all depends on how hurt you are and how hard you are going to make him work to earn your trust back. It sounds like you don’t want to make this too difficult, but you have to give him a penance. He has to do something to prove that your relationship is worth something to him. After all that is what offended you the most. Not that he had the affair, or that he had sex with someone else. Those are bad things, but the worst thing he did was to trample on your marriage and your relationship. I don’t know if that pain will ever go away. You want to trust him and you want your marriage to go back to what it was before.

Then you need to find out why he had the affair. Once men discover sex we have it on our minds at least 60% of the time. As far as evolution is concerned there is only one reason to have a male and that is for him to have sex. Men are designed to have sex as quickly as possible, as frequently as possible, and with as many women as possible. So his need for sex is probably greater than your own and he probably feels that he isn’t getting enough sex from you. If that is true then you need to work on making your sex life better. The lack of sex is the biggest reason for men straying and few women understand just how important sex is to the male. If you improve your sex life, and he has to work on that as well as you, then you just might remove any motive for him to stray again. Do that and you will be happier and you can trust him to be faithful.

If I am wrong and he strayed for another reason then you need to find out what it is and address it, but I bet $1,000 I have nailed it on the head. Men are sexual animals it is a basic part of our design and it is why a picture of a beautiful women can be enough to get many men ready for sex. Women are not designed that way; they get more joy out of their relationships and taking care of their children. You may not want sex as often as he does, but if you deny that to him then he is going to try and find another way to relieve himself. He is going to go looking for porn, masturbating or another woman. It sounds cruel and stupid and it is, but that is a fact of life a design feature to the human male.

Answer 2

This is a totally personal decision. Each and everyone of us has a different level of stuff we can take. I've been there and am still married after 20 years. BUT......the decision to take him back wasn't as easy as just forgiving him. I was angry and felt "cheated on" and unloved. I believed in my mind that this other woman had something that I didn't. Not true at all. We went through a whole year of couseling (professional) and at the end of our time I had to say "yes," I can forgive, plain and simple. You cannot tie up an acceptance of someone's apology with a lot of clutter. I am lot wiser now to the fact that most men cheat simply for the "sexual thrill". Most of them really have very little time in their lives for the lies and drama that cheating brings with it. BUT...men (each and every one of them) have different views about fidelity and cheating. They consider the cheating a sex act and that alone. We consider a lot more emotional issues and feelings. It's your decision, but remember you can always change you mind if it happens again. GET PROFESSIONAL HELP!!! Don't let him get off as easy as an apology. You need a lot more answers than he understands. If he doesn't agree to therapy/marriage counseling than I doubt very much that he is willing to work it out. Whether you stay or go it will be a hard decision. Get help so you can make wise decisions. Good Luck and God Bless you, you will definatley both need. You are smart for asking for advice on a issue like this, sometimes our brains are a lot fuzzy in these situations. Please don't listen to friends and relatives, they may have alterior motives. You need real help!!

Answer 3

The real issue I see here is that you believe that him cheating might be something you could have caused through marital problems . NEVER ever is it the person being cheated on's fault , it is always the cheaters fault ! It sounds like definitely could be . His secretive ways , his defensiveness , his interest in another female , and most of all your intuition leads me believe he is . You really must sit down and decide what you will do if he is . Can you continue to be with someone who can disrespect you so badly ? And do you even want to spend the rest of your life with someone you even suspect of such betrayal . You deserve the best life has to offer and even if he isn't cheating your relationship is in danger . Be honest with him and by no means should you sink to his level by sneaking , spying , assuming , or intentionally hurting him . Only you know what you can and can't tolerate in a relationship so don't do anything rash and remember this is your life and only you can insure your own happiness ... You don't need a man . Good Luck .

Answer 4

I think you should take a break from your marriage and give yourself some time to think about everything that has happened. To know whether he is seriously sorry for what he's done, or just sorry he got caught... Ask yourself how many times he was with this person, and over what length of time. If it was more than once and over an extended period of time then it wasn't a one time "mistake". I'd think very seriously about the whether you are going to be able to trust him again. No matter how much you love him you will never fully regain your trust of him. Are you willing to live like that the rest of your life?

Answer 5

The fact that your husband cheated on you is a sign that the marriage has broken down somewhat. Him ending the relationship between this other woman is however a good sign. It is going to be hard for you to forget about his betrayal but with the love that you have for him if he continues to show you how sorry he is about this mistake your heart will heal and the forgiveness will come in time. remember that to err is human but to forgive is divine. Try and work on your marriage, Both of you can take a vacation together or try new and exciting things which will create a tighter bond between you both.

Answer 6

There is a great books at B&N called life after infidelity. Get it, read it and live it.

Make sure that he is no longer contacting the other woman. Men end affairs all the time, but go back as soon as they think its safe. If it went on for a long period of time, he is likely to go back several times before ending it all the way. Do not let your guard down.

Answer 7

I'm happy for you that you've decided to work things out. I hope it goes well.
I've been in your place and have been cheated on. I am separated. I know how bad it hurts.
Something I've learned is that forgiveness doesn't mean trust. The trust part will likely take a long time and if he truly loves you he won't mind giving you the reassurances you need to regain that trust..
Also, pray a lot. You can pour your heart out to God and He always listens.

Answer 8

What makes you sure that he wont do it again. Once someone can get away with doing something, they'll test to see how many more times they can do it, and ways the can do it without getting caught. Its extremely hard to move on, especially when you love that individual and have dedicated your life to them. Do whats best for you and your well being, but dont be surprised to find it happening again. Remember its your life you have control of what does and doesnt happen. Good luck and I hope you feel better.

Answer 9

Why would you want to?? Marriage is suppose to mean something, right?? Love isn't enough. This scar will be in your heart for the rest of your life. You will never be truly happy again with him. You can say you forgave him, but deep in your heart you know that's a lie. Everytime he's late, or acts out of sorts, your mind will go right back to thinking he's doing it again. It's not worth it... Counselling can help you talk it out, but can never mend a broken heart.........

Answer 10

Poor thing... He basically ripped your heart out and danced all over it. I personally know what that feels like. It destroys your self esteem and trust in your relationship. It has nothing to do with how smart, sophisticated and beautiful you are. There was something missing in your relationship though... You can forgive, but you will never forget... I am not proud of the way I've handled it, but it worked for me. It was one time thing for my husband: it was his mousy secretary ( how pathetically predictable ). I took a hard look at his face, and I knew it. He did try to deny everything of course, but I smelled it on him ( women are equipped with intuition, we always know whats going on ). I made sure she had lost her job. I moved out of the house and stayed out for 6 months. I couldn't stand looking at him for a while. It turned out he loved me after all. Why else would he growl and beg for my forgiveness ? Why else would he court me all over again? We went to counseling for a while. We also talked to our priest. At the end I was able to forgive, but I couldn't forget... So couple of years later I had an affair. It felt wrong: I was raised better than that. But it helped me somehow... It was like paying him back... I am not saying that is the right way of dealing with the infidelity, but it worked for me.

Answer 11

Are there any kids in the relationship? Did this happen for a long time? How did you find out? These are all things that you have to keep in mind while you evaluate the situation.Good luck in what ever decision you make