This was just a theoretical question. But this actually happened but in the reverse. My husband was physically and emotionally abused by his stepfather. In addition, he took him to peep shows as a child and there was always pornography around the house. I didnt know all this before I married him. But as you can imagine, he has a lot of problems (of a sexual nature, including an addiction to porn). After many years of urging him to get help, all to no avail, we are finally separating. Our sex life was practically non-existant. In spite of all this, he is a good father to our kids. I really feel I did my best to get him help, but why do I feel like a failure? I know I shouldn't. I was sick myself in the mid-90s because of a condition similar to a brain tumor. Back then he stuck by me, took me to the hospital, didnt complain (much) when I couldn't work. I stuck by him too over the years, even through his affair. But I just want a normal sex life and an affectionate husband. Am I wrong?
2007-08-06 15:45:03 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband is an adult and HE is the one who should have been responsible enough to go to some kind of therapy. HE failed your marriage, not you. So quit blaming yourself. Your illness was different that his. Yours was life threatening and of course he stuck by you, just like you have stuck by him as long as you could. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. More importantly you deserve a NORMAL life with a man who adores you. You made the right choice.
2007-08-06 15:52:41 · answer #1 · answered by glittereyedg 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Marriage is an institution that we invest so much of ourselves into, it's not surprising that to see it fall down around us makes us feel like failures. The important part here is to pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
I'm assuming here you've researched all the different therapy options and tried to tempt him into them all. Ultimately we can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped, and often the wrong counsellor will do so much more harm than good. A close family member was sexually abused by an in-law as a child and we've begged her to get help. When we finally succeeded the counsellor told her there was nothing wrong with her, and now we can't get her to seek a second opinion. Her rage issues are just the tip of the iceberg but we can't force her and she won't accept it, so there's nothing we can do but not accept or make excuses for her bad behaviour anymore. We can accept her issues and love her unconditionally, but we will no longer put up with abuse from her. That's all you can do really if they won't get help, not put up with their bad behaviour and the excuses for why they are the way they are.
He may well be a great father, but you have needs as well. Just make sure the kids are as uneffected as possible and try to work out a joint custody situation that's amicable and you'll have done the right thing. Far too easily said than done, but this is something you need to invest yourself in now.
2007-08-06 23:11:45 · answer #2 · answered by Lee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Kind of hard to help someone who refuses help. Some men especially seem to be like this. If he refuses to get counselling for healing... there isn't much you can do is there.
Separately seems harsh, however if this is affecting your relationship on a serious level, what can you do. If he's a good father, ensure that the co parenting agreement is fair. Giving your kids good and fair access to their father is critical. If you can still be a friend.. even better. This man is never going to be out of your life as you have kids together.
Don't you hate when something as simple as counselling is not even considered when it's clear it is necessary for healing. What a waste isn't it?
Good luck
2007-08-06 22:57:07 · answer #3 · answered by teritaur 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong at all. The difference in your situation and your husband's is that you took the steps necessary to get well. It doesn't sound like he wants to do that. He may have been abused as a child and exposed to inappropriate sexual materials, but he is an adult now with the awareness of what is right and wrong. He chooses to continue doing the wrong thing. You deserve a happy life and like the saying goes "God helps them that help themselves". You can't be expected to do more than God. If your husband won't seek help for himself there is nothing you can do to help him. Leave with a clear conscience and have a happy future.
2007-08-06 22:53:32 · answer #4 · answered by mafiosu 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That was child sexual abuse which his father did to him. The problem with children and sex is that mentally they never become what we consider "normal". They are sexually messed up forever. It's not their fault, but, it's certainly not yours in this case, it's not even his, it's his father's.
Life isn't fair.
Re-wiring your husband's sexual brain could take years of therapy, and probably can't ever be fixed. Child sex victims usually have pedophile thoughts themselves, and want to repeat the cycle.
The question is whether you can live with that, knowing that he is twisted in that very disturbing way.
Maybe you feel the way you do because you loved him, still love him, and yet can't fix him.
Life isn't only unfair sometimes, it's downright sad. But we have to find the good we can and run with it, so do that...take care of your kids, and find a sexually mentally healthy good man, you're on the right path!
2007-08-07 02:07:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not wrong. It's normal to feel like a failure. We always wonder what we could have done better or differently. But you can't save someone from their childhood, from the abuse and surely you can't fix or help them overcome their addiction.
Consider getting some short-term counseling to help you sort through your emotions and rebuild your self-esteem. Good luck to you.
2007-08-06 22:51:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you're doing the absolute best thing you could do for yourself........getting out. He was well aware that there were problems ... and how much they affected you. He was given the option to get help, and refused even after all your encouragement and requests. If you ever want "normal".... it won't be with him any time soon.
2007-08-06 22:53:45 · answer #7 · answered by dathinman8 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What about the kids? Does his addiction and his affair affect them? How can he be a great Dad and yet he betrayed all of you by having an affair?
2007-08-06 22:53:10 · answer #8 · answered by reddevilbloodymary 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point it doesn't matter who's at fault....it's too bad you guys didn't get some professional help...it could have saved your marriage.
Just like you had different doctors to help with your tumor it sometimes takes more than one therapist to help with personal problems.
2007-08-06 22:49:37 · answer #9 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You were right and he was wrong. Your sickness was something you had no control over. His sexual addiction is something he refuses to give up.
2007-08-06 22:54:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋