Am I insane? I'm married..hubby's ex mistress preg with her hubby's baby & ex's girlfriend preg--JEALOUS!!

Question

This is crazy. My husband had (what I think was a very minor affair) with a mutual married friend. Needless to say, we're no longer friends with this couple. This was over a year ago. I just found out recently that she and her husband are pregnant. I am a career girl and want to be sure this marriage can survive before bringing a child into this world, so we are waiting for those reasons...but, I'm feeling older and older. Then, I found out my ex from YEARS ago (who I had some serious history--an abortion--with) got a girl pregnant and married her. We are all now in our 30s, so not babies ourselves.

Why do I care about what happens in the lives of these other people who have hurt me in the past? I want to live a good and happy life and this feels so bad.

Why do I feel like I have to one-up people who have wronged me? I think it's too much at one time coming back to haunt me. Why can't I just deal with my own life and not care about these losers?!?!?

Sorry so long..

Thanks everyone. I am going to talk to a professional. I thought we had healed our relationship more than we actually have. I also think we focused in marriage counseling more on the marriage and how to make it work than on my feelings about what happened and how I need to (actually) forgive and forget. I think the news I've recieved about others somehow triggered a resurfacing of those personal feelings that I had repressed. I will also admit that the whole "I've been trying to do it the right way" thing also played a part. I mean what do I want for that, a cookie?? Gold star?? I'm doing it the way I think is right for the children that we may be blessed with in the future and for the family that we already have that loves and supports us now.

Thanks for the great Answers. They helped me to ground my feelings in what really matters.

Answer 1

I think you've hit that stage where you may want a child, but that's clouding the issue. The important thing here is, what does having a child represent to you? From what you've written I think a child represents a further step in the relationship that you want to take with your husband but you don't feel like you can. You very sensibly believe that having a child requires a strong foundation, a degree of closeness, stability and development that you want for your own relationship, but haven't attained as yet.

Seeing the people who've hurt you in the past taking these steps, is what's getting to you. You have to realise that their relationships aren't necessarily this ideal, you're just imagining they are based on the fact that they've brought a child into this world and you judge this action by your own morals, ie having a baby means strong relationship. Be aware that a child represents a strong relationship to you, but sadly not to everyone. There are some truly screwed up reasons in this world for having a child, ie to 'save' a relationship.

Concentrate on you and your husband's relationship and getting healthy enough to reach that stage. A little envy is fine, but know that these people aren't the cause of your issues, it's your relationship with your hubby. And also try not to see their actions through your own moral code, if they're the 'losers you've described I doubt they've thought it through like you have.

Answer 2

Because life if full of ironies. They are the reasons you are waiting. They have what you want and you see them as the reasons you don't have kids. That's why these things come across as strange. I think the jealousy comes in because you really want children so you need to fix that. If you didn't want kids you would be feeling what you are feeling.

If you really have forgiven your hubby you wouldn't be waiting. If you are unsure of your marriage that's a big problem. If you want kids more than anything, have them or find someone else to have them with or you may end up without any. The reason people ultimately get married is to have a family.

And to you they are probably happy and you're not. To you they're probably the reason you are unhappy (with the affair and all). It's time for you to stop being a victim. Take control of your own life. Let go of the baggage and grudges and be happy - it's in your control.

Answer 3

I don't know what to tell you other than I think your feelings are normal. Mind you I didn't say healthy or helpful.

I guess if you feel the need to one up them you can tell yourself that you are probably the only one smart enough and mature enough to be sure about your marriage etc. before you have a baby.

Here's the thing though, you're wasting energy and brain space thinking about these people. These are people who you know you would not want to be like. Focus your energy on positive things. Like your own marriage and your job or if that's not enough find something new to do, like a new sport or honny or volunteering somewhere. I have felt the same way you do and all I can say is you have to keep choosing to let it go. When it comes to your mind push it out. Say these people are not even worth my energy. I believe in forgiveness so I even say I've already forgiven them, it's in the past I refuse to think about it anymore. It works! Now several years later those people almost never come to mind and when they do it's a quick memory but I don't have any bad feelings towards them it's just like "oh yeah, that was my past"

hopefully venting here helped you a little too

Answer 4

The fact of the matter is you have been hurt by people who were around you. I think you would probably have cared a lot less if hubby had not slept with a friend and ruined that relationship, and in doing so ruined the trust between the 2 of you. You probably would be caring his child right now if you didn't have that trust issue. I think its time to talk to a professional, because if you trusted him you wouldn't care how many babies these others had.

Answer 5

You feel bad because you are a feeling person. It's good to have feelings, but sometimes bad things hurt even more. You cannot spend too much energy looking down those roads your life did not take you. You chose your husband, and your energy and focus will be best servered concentrating on building your marriage relationship. Those relationships failed for a reason, so when you hear these stories, it's ok to care, but also thank God you are where you are today!

Answer 6

Totally understand. I think the problem is that, as yet, you haven't reached your real goal (which is having a family) and so it goes on until you feel satisfied that your life is better without these folks. Either you will have a child and the hurt will fade, or you won't and maybe once you abandon the goal it will fade. But it really hurts until you feel that. I think it's the silent scream of 'what is wrong with me?' Why did he marry her and not me when I was pregnant?Why is she having a baby while I'm being responsible and waiting. It's not fair. And yes, it isn't.

While not in your same shoes, I've had a similar situation that also really won't resolve itself until I can either move on and abandon the goal or succeed in the goal. It has been partially resolved, but I can clearly tell that my heart doesn't feel it.

Answer 7

Sounds like you need to stay focused on your own life and your own goals. Why worry about history or worry about what other people are doing in and with their lives? If I did that I guarantee you I'd never get ahead. It sounds like you're jealous of the couple who's pregnant because that's what YOU want. Your time will come soon too, but in the mean time don't let other peoples lives impact yours. There's no reason for it. I give you credit for surviving the affair. I would have left my husband had he did that to me. Like I said, focus on yourself and not other people.

Answer 8

The best way to deal with this is to tell him and see what he says either way he will have to deal with it. His family has nothing to do with his new gf and she is stopping him from seeing his daughter then she is just jealous of it. It will be hurt is he does choose his new gf over his family again but it sounds like he still wants to be in your daughters life therefore he is in yours. It doesn't sound like you want to rid of your baby so the only way is to tell him and talk about how things are going to be and how you will not him to help with your daughter while you go though your pregnancy and how you will need him when the new baby comes along. Good Luck i hope that everything goes ok with your family and wish you all the best for your new baby.

Answer 9

you're just a little jealous, and it's okay to be curious of how other people are doing... but just because they're having a baby doesn't mean you should rush into it...i mean you said your ex got a girl preg THEN married her...he probably only married her cuz he got her preg..and don't worry about anyone else, but you. Don't be afraid to wait and get your money together....better for your child to be born in a place where she can have a fresh diaper every time she poops/pees, than her coming into a world where she has to wear the same diaper cuz you can't afford anymore... good luck (>'.')>

Answer 10

Don't worry about other people from either of your pasts. What does their pregnancies have to do with you? You have to realize that what goes on in other peoples lives does not affect you and they are not worrying about you. Work on the marriage a little longer, just to make sure he doesn't have another minor affair. Kids can come a little later.