Guarded, revised enough?

Question

I will protect you from the night
but you must sheild me from the light
if you refuse Darks evil goal
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

the light will keep dark far away
to keep you safe i too must stay
ill stay here, i will play my role
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

i will hold him off, run my lass
ill stay back and not let him pass
since you didnt let him take control
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

my love walks and talks around free
you hear it, feel it, unlike me
Cause your pretty as a foal
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

i wont let you hurt, fail, or fall
but it has ended this forestall
he's coming but as black is coal
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

you still dont run, but you dont know
youv'e never seen your own lights glow
so you wont be claimed like a roll
illl guard my blood, ill guard your soul

your leaving why are you going?
did i hur you without knowing?
i wont let him make you pay toll
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

he came out and almost reached you
but i jumped to white light, and flew
ill send him back to my hellhole
ill guard my sould ill guard your soul

he passed through, i saw colors blend
i will protect you to my end
for this kindness that you have dole
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

i did it, hes gone, 'kep 'im back
for you, forever, i'd attack
Cause long ago my heart was coal
ill guard my blood ill guard your soul

now tell me, your love have i earned?
Cause in this place, my body burned
now keep it safe, my heart you stole
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

cant go back im pretty much gone
maybe this is a new days dawn
ill be there, in that heart you stole
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

i was doomed to dark, now im free
couldnt touch light without burning me
im gone now, save that heart you stole
ill guard my blood, ill guard your soul

Answer 1

You have several good lines, but you try to carry it on too long and several others are forced and take away from the whole. My advice would be to cut about 1/3 of the stanzas and keep those that read like you'd speak...okay, maybe lose 1/2 the stanzas, but you'd still end up with some really, really good images and stanzas. Better to have fewer good ones, than have them all seem trite because you were unwilling to trim those that simply don't work. If the speech seems stilted or forced, dump them or fix them, but don't use them until they sound perfect...and by "perfect" I mean as if someone would really talk that way. "but it has ended this forstall" and "cause your pretty as a foal"...nope, not only did you misspell "you're", but the phrases sound false from start to finish. Also, stop doing the e.e. cummings thing with "i"...it's capitalized..."I"...you just tick people off by using the diminutive lower case "i"...and that is something you never want to do. Don't forget your apostrophes..."I'll", "you're", etc. Also watch your beats and meter: "I will hold him off, run my lass"...no good...try, "I'll hold him off, run quick, my lass" or something that keeps true to the meter and keeps the phrase moving forward.

Edit your poem with these things in mind and see how it goes...you're bound to like the revised product better than the original.

...and keep writing

Answer 2

I like the last lines to tie it together....and I like your title.
Suggestion for the last 2 verses...
Can't go back, I'm nearly gone
But this may be a new day's dawn
I'll be there, this heart you stole
I'll guard my blood, I'll guard your soul.

Was doomed to dark but now I'm free
...........

I like how you put your thoughts down....very good!
Watch the caps and punctuation.

Answer 3

It's good, just mind the punctuation, especially if it's for school.