Does sexual monogamy matter to you?

Question

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Neither of us could imagine being apart. When we were first together we were both adament that the other person could never sleep with other people. Now we think that it would just be about sex and wouldn't matter. Is this a normal progression in a relationship? We're not going to become swingers or anything but I'm just wondering. I hear some couples that have been together for a while say that they're relationships have evolved into open relationships. Thoughts?

Answer 1

^ ^ RACER X You are so RIGHT. I agree with everything you just said. Here is my take on it:

The first thing you have to do is distinguish the difference between love and sex. The two terms, although often used together, have nothing to do with one another.

Once a marriage has lasted years, and the couple understands all of their partners attributes and faults, they can learn to love UNCONDTIONALLY. I emphasize that word because it is important to understand that just because a person may have sexual fantasies and physical needs that can be fullfilled outside of your marriage, does not mean that this person does not love you, nor is undeserving of your love in return. Sexual lust is a perfectly normal human trait. We are all animals after all.

It is hard for a person to accept the fact that a person they love is engaging in sexual intercorse with another due to their own insecurities within. They fear that the "other" person will be able to satisfy their partner more then they ever could, and stand to lose what they love.
That being said, if you or your partner have ANY insecurities whatsoever, do not bring others into your sexual relationship, it will only magnify your insecurities, and problems will arrise.

BUT, for those married couples who have "matured" past the point of insecurity and jealousy (which by the looks of it, there are NOT many mature couples answering here now), you can now enjoy the physical and emotional benefits of a good ol "roll in the hay."
NO one on this topic can deny the strong primal feelings that occur when you are with a person for the first time, that quickened heartbeat, that nervous smile. It is the most natural high you can ever experience. And you should not deny yourself that pleasure simply because most insecure couples will tell you that "Marriage is about Monogamy."

Just keep in mind that any "extracurricular activities" are done as a married couple and that absolutely NO secrets are kept from one another. Secrets = CHEATING. If you do things as a couple, then you are sharing an enjoyable experiance, but if you hide the fact from your partner, then you are cheating on your marrige. Secrets are the biggest reason for arguments and hurt feelings. So it is important that everything be decided on and done together. NO SECRETS. And if at any time, and I mean ANY time you or your partner feels uncomfortable, then you both put a stop to it immediately. After all, Marriage is about love. People get married because they love one another.
People have sex because they love the act of sex, matters not who the partner is.

Hence.....................Love and Sex are two entirely different subjects.

**If you wake up ever morning and eat a bowl of frosted flakes for breakfast for several years, no matter how much you might like frosted flakes, there is going to come a time when you are just gonna shout "DAMNIT, I WANT A BOWL OF FRUIT LOOPS"***

Good luck and enjoy yourself. Keep in mind that you love your partner, and because you love your partner, you should ALWAYS practice safe sex when with another.

Answer 2

Is it normal progression in every relationship? I don't think so. Is it in some? Yes.

We were the same way. We had both been cheated on in previous relationships and our previous marriages. We made a pact together that if things were getting so bad that we were thinking of cheating that we would be open and honest with each other before it happened.

Now we've been together 9 years, married 7, and we've been swingers for the last 4 years.

What changed? Not a whole lot, really. We both had group sex fantasies and like you we both can't imagine ever being apart. We are each other's soul mates, best friends, and confidants. We are absolutely, positively in love with each other. We're like two teenagers, always holding hands, playing footsie under the table at restaurants, kissing, etc.

But I think it's also normal to think about sex with other people. Some may not, but I'd bet 90% of all human beings mentally undress someone besides their spouse at least once a day. Men look at porn, women read romance novels. Everyone fantasizes. It is normal, only the insecure and jealous would say otherwise because they don't want to admit their partner might be thinking sexual thoughts about the hottie at the convenience store or the buff construction worker they saw today.

I think the idea of "one and only" is a fairytale idea, and great in theory but terrible in practice. The fact is that 40% of people are, will, or have cheated on their spouse and 1 of every 125 married couples divorce every year in America, many because of discovered infidelity, but the real issue is why the infidelity occurred in the first place: someone wasn't happy or wasn't getting all the fulfillment they needed within the marriage.

So the self-righteous ones can scream monogamy and claim fidelity all they want, but we statistically 40% of those answering your question and claiming monogamy have, will, or are cheating at this very moment in their relationship.

Lifelong sexual monogamy is not natural in humans. This is fact. Some have come to grips with it and can separate love from sex and have their soul mate and their lovers too.

Answer 3

I've been with my husband for 5 years, I don't think this is a natural progression in a relationship. Sexual monogamy is very important to me because for 1 anything else would be against the bible and 2nd it's just out of respect for your partner. I used to work for a psychologist and I saw several couples trying the open relationship thing. Lets just saw they we're all in therapy for a reason, it rarely EVER works (I never saw it work at all). It turned out that these couples were a lot less OPEN with each other than some of the monogamous couples. It's not natural so most people have a hard time with it. Not that it NEVER works, it's just rare. Usually someone if not both end up getting really hurt. Be cautious if you choose to go down that path. Good luck!

Answer 4

In the beginning of a relationship everything is all roses and sparkly. you can't imagine being with other people and you can't get enough of each other and yes the love usually equals sex. As time passes the love is still there and sometimes stronger than in the beginning but the sex is just sex to some and so goes a progression into open relationships. In my opinion sex should be with the person you love and not just pleasure for your body so there is no such thing as just sex. Monogamy does matter to me because if you can't have just sex with the person you love and committed to then something needs to be worked on or you are looking to leave if something better comes along.

Answer 5

Show me.... what study that suggests guys are not able to be convinced with one lady sexually for decades. That simply is not any more true in guys than it's in females. Lots of guys cheat. Lots of females cheat. The study that does exist suggests that at the same time each guys or females don't seem to be genetically predisposed to monogamy (there may be a lot study on that) that cultural affects within the U.S. demonstrates that human habits is motivated to be serially monogamous (a couple of accomplice in a life-time) greater than promiscuous even if marriage isn't concerned. Most breakups and divorces don't have anything to do with promiscuity however many different elements. Sexual monogamy is among the ones factors however a ways from essentially the most common. Whether you get married or no longer is beside the point. Finding any person who desires to be with you for factors past simply intercourse is extra major. The manner you are considering because of this there is not any motive so that you can have a longer term dating with any one, married or no longer. And do not simply blame this on guys. Women are simply as responsible as guys.

Answer 6

I can see that especially aster being together for so long. Four years is not long at all. 15, 20 or more is. The other person becomes all too familiar and you sometimes start fantasizing about other people. Sometimes, without trying, people come into your life and they are difficult to resist. All those butterflies, lustful feeling come back and it feels good, exciting. It happens no matter what (my opinion) some peple act on it, others don't. I think there are more open relationships than you think. Some people find out but turn a blind eye to it and just accept it without rocking the boat. Some people just dont care after so many years, as long as their partner is fulfilling the rest of his/her obligations. Having an open relationship is way better than cheating.

Answer 7

If it was only about sex, I would feel that it didn't matter. Life isn't that simple, tho - often it becomes more than "just sex", whatever that "more" might be. I'm not against open relationships, and I think there's probably a place and time for certain "indiscretions", even if you're married or in a committed relationship; we are not made of stone. But I don't know if I personally would be ready to explore that path. I kind of take the stance that the military has currently adopted regarding gays: don't ask, don't tell. I trust my husband's and my own good judgment, and this is good enough for me.

Answer 8

What are you feelings about it? This is a very normal progression in many relationships, more then realized because its still so taboo and people dont talk openly about it because they get slandered so much. What is important is whether or not both of you feel the same way. If you want to do it just cause it will make him happy then you are sacrificing yourself and thats wrong. Do it because you want to! Did you two ever talk about trying other couples together? That way it sort of brakes you into the open relationship and will eliminate all of the worries. Just be honest with yourself and him, and make sure you know and trust who you sleep with. You arent only bringing this person into your bed, you are in effect bringing this person into your relationship, they should live up to those standards. good luck

Answer 9

No, it's not a normal progression in a relationship. Our most primal urges sometimes as human beings lead us to justify behavior which is morally irreprehensible. Relationships that evolve into open relationships, as you have called them, progress that way for only one reason: unhappiness. If you were happy with your relationship, your sex life, and your interaction between one another, you wouldn't need another person to fulfill any void, because there would be no void.

If your boyfriend and yourself are seeking gratification somewhere else, first look into your own sex life and figure out what is going wrong. Obviously there is something missing that both of you are seeking and not getting from the other. Second, look deeper into the fact that, though you have been committed to one another for four years, you are not married by any sense of the law. However, in the eyes of God, when two bodies join in the act of love making, you are married to one another. Because of this, you have created a bond that spiritually should remain unbroken. The vow you did not make with your voices, you made with your hearts and your bodies. Sex with another, albeit not a measure against your love for one another, is biblically adulterous.

I hope that you can find ways to pleasure one another, and create harmony in your sex life, without seeking another human being. I hope that you will honor the commitment to one another that your bodies have made, just as you honor the love you have in your hearts for one another.

Answer 10

I would not ever consider it I love my fiance too much to even imagine him with someone else and vise versa I dont want anyone else and we have been together for 7 years and have 3 kids and that wont ever change if we fall out of love then we simply wont be together but we would never consider new partners. Unless we were broken up for good. Maybe you should try to spice up the sex life a little there is always new things you can try. But If I were you I certainly would NOT open that can of worms by bringing new people into the bedroom.