Help with this poem. I'm not much of a poet.?

Question

Please don’t look down on us
Because we are young
Don’t complain about the clothes we wear
Or about the songs we’ve sung
We’re just trying to figure out what we don’t understand
And in truth, that’s quite a lot
You hope we are walking the path that you did
And we desperately pray that we’re not
We grew up wanting to be like you
But now we’re not so sure
For your generation has caused all the problems that ours will have to cure
You will never see us crying
Though we sometimes wish you could
We used to hate it when you said, “I love you.”
But now we wish you would
And now our world is scary
Goodbye sweet “ignorance is bliss”
When all the problems in our world could be solved by mother’s kiss
We don’t want to be what society calls us
A punk, a jock, a nerd
But we’re just too afraid to tear down our walls and abandon our own little herd
We look at the pictures in the albums
And we know you love us dearly
But somehow it seems, no matter how hard you try

You cannot see us clearly

To you, the world must be spinning too fast
You don’t like the future and you can’t shake the past
For us it seems to be spinning too slow
We can’t solve the world’s problems ‘til we’re running the show

We really want to reach out
And break the ties that bind
But we’re all scared to reach out and touch
Those who aren’t our kind

We’re each trying to change our own little world
But we can’t change anything on our own
We’ve got to learn to get over ourselves
Or be forever alone

The world is quickly getting darker
And the good things seem so few
We’ve got to get to know each other so we won’t end up like you

its not for school or anything. i was just venting. it actually wasnt meant to be a poem, it just started rhyming. it's not going to go any farther than right here, but when i was reading it, something about it didn't sound quite right, and i'm sort of a perfectionist.

Answer 1

Actually i think its great... the thing is i love writing poetry and some... well all of my poetry rhymes... try different types of poetry.. i love yours...

Answer 2

I actually really like this poem, and I think you've done a great job. How old are you? You have touched on a teenagers perspective really well. Even though some people are saying it doesn't ryhme all the way, who cares. You have your own format, and it sounds great. I think you would have a hard time changing it because this is how you feel...that's poetry!!
Don't put yourself down either, everyone is a poet in their own mind, and that's all that counts, as long as you can be happy with yourself. Also, if you were interested, I go to a site at www.poetry.com and they have lots of comps that you can enter your poems in, and even get published in their annual books. Have a go, you might just win some cash!! Let me know if you do, Cheers!!

Answer 3

Okay...first off...you need to trim it down...you're using a club on a horse that went down in stanza 5. We get it, we got it early on...you did a good job for awhile, but it got old because you wouldn't let it go. :)

On the poem, specifically, you need to do a few things. One, you need to break it into stanzas to help with rhyme recognition. I understand you probably didn't want to add extra lines by putting them in, but if you trim it down you'll find it makes it much easier to read. Secondly, line breaks! Thirdly, beats! watch your meter.

For example, the lines that go:

"We grew up wanting to be like you
But now we’re not so sure
For your generation has caused all the problems that ours will have to cure"

could be edited to read like:

"We grew up wanting to be like you
But now we’re not so sure
Your generation's caused the problems
that ours will have to cure"

See how easy that was? Now...do that for every four line stanza and you'll be well on your way. Pick the best 5 stanzas, or the 5 stanzas that will get you from start to finish, and use just them. If you can see a way to combine some thoughts from a few into one, all the better. As it is...well...it needs to lose some excess weight.

keep writing

Answer 4

I agree with some of the others as far as this is the same thoughts with each generation...it is all ways a timely issue...if you are looking for what doesn't sound right, look at your long lines and look at the syllables...your answer can be found there...another thing, you may consider looking at your words and see which words can be taken out and still say the same thing...I really liked it and it can stay as it its if you want...one more thought...first person as if you are speaking for yourself and not the generation as a whole...just a thought...that could evoke more emotion...blessings and thank you so much for sharing...I really did like it and I remember feeling very much the same way...

Answer 5

The rythym is uneven. If this is meant to be sung that is not so much of a problem, as syllables can be stretched in singing.
The sentiments were expressed by Bob Dylan in his timeless hit "Blowin' in the Wind."
I'm 56. When I was 18 I hated the adult world for the world they left us, for much the same reasons you mention in your poem. Funny how some things don't change.

Answer 6

Aristotle had the same gripe a couple thousand years ago.
Every generation is disappointed by the one that came before.
And the complaints are eerily similar.

Answer 7

You need to ask yourself why you need to write a poem?

Why not write a letter instead?

I ask this because I think that, because you`re writing a poe, you think you have to use rhymes, or forms.

Abandon the poem format and I think you'll do much better.

Answer 8

I believe you have a very good poem. I liked it very much and it reminded me of when I was young and how we thought about the world back then.

Answer 9

I have a 16 year old .....and I got tears in my eyes when I read this. It touches the heart.....don't change it. It may not have the exact rhythm...but it has "soul". I "hear" what you are saying....you have talent for writing....period!

Answer 10

i think it's wonderful!

if you're super worried about it being absolutley perfect tho... it doesn't follow the same rhyme scheme throughout the whole thing.

but that doesn't matter! i love it!