Why do you think people get stuck in the pain?

Question

I recently posted another question. One person answered saying there is no way that I could "feel or understand how he/she felt." And then of course called me clueless.

I believe we all "feel" very much the "same" things but in different experience levels. I believe this because I have lived the life that this person spoke of. I have felt the very same things he/she felt. I have just moved/grown/forgave past that point in my life. Add to that my doctorate of life and you have one powerful understanding of human behavior.
I know the clinical reason, but I want your response.

So my question is: Why do some people who have been through extreme trauma come out unscathed, while others choose to remain in the pit of despair? Do they refuse help? Do they want to feel that way? Does pain give people power and that's why they hold on to it? You tell me. I just want a discussion from the people I see post on this site. I'd like to know what you truly think...

Answer 1

First, I am not very fond of and do not use "I know exactly how you feel", because it is a lie. Even if in the same event with an identical twin, each will feel somewhat different and deal with it emotionally in a unique way: their own. People want compassion, company and understanding, but they also like their own feeling to be their own, not "I know how you feel". That gets people defensive or agressive. Not on you who are just trying to let them know you understand their pain, but on their autenticity as "look how unique I am when I suffer, so you can't know, no one can!" That pain is as unique as fingerprints, but even more so, it is soul-print.

Then I don't think there are any true humans that didn't feel at any given moment of their lives, a certain amount of "soul pain". If they let it out, confront it, hide it, especially from themselves, that's also an individuality. They say "time heals all wounds", but it is not entirely true. Is what people DO with that time that really heals.

Chosing to stay in that pain probably has its payoff. No one does something without a payoff, even when one smiles at the other, they feel good about it, hence payoff. If they can trigger the exact payoff, what are they getting from staying in a continue suffering, they could see that the payoff of letting go is even greater.

So...this is how I think/feel and deal with everyday life :)

Answer 2

I got stuck in the pit, and now that I have been out, try not to even recall that helpless, hopeless feeling I carried around for way too long. But every once in awhile, I bring back just enough to try and answer questions like this. I think what you are saying is correct in that people have different levels of experience and/or coping skills. I felt a lot of guilt and therefore shame growing up. It manifested itself in my 30's and that is when I began to question the meaning of life, and if it was even worth living. I didn't realize I needed help because it was a slow steady decline. It was just that feeling that something was not quite right. Thank God I did finally seek help. I did not want to keep feeling the way I was feeling. I do think it gives some people a sense of power in that it is all they know. When I started counseling and got on antidepressants, and started to see improvement, it scared the hell out of me. It awakened me to the fact that I indeed was responsible for my own life, that I could no longer play the victim now that I knew better, and that I had to start making my own decisions and not blaming Tom, Dick and Harry for everything going wrong in my life. I was so out of my comfort zone, I threatened to get off the meds.
I guess as I have gotten deeper into this question, I have to agree more with the one who said You cannot feel what I feel. Maybe the gut feeling is the same, but there are so many twists and turns when it comes to people's experiences, emotions, and perceptions. I think the most you can hope for is an understanding of the feeling.
As far as what you say about someone coming through unscathed, I don't think that is possible. I think to some degree everyone is affected, there again, just different levels. Their feelings just may not go as deep.

Answer 3

you have to understand that people feel pain differently. to say you know how someone else feels is impossible. you don't have their body..their chemical make up, etc. I know when I was studying psychology I was feeling so bad when my professor spoke of clinical depression. He was saying how we all get depressed but some have it so bad that they cannot even cope. I was thinking.."omg! there are people who feel worse than I do?" Then I began having panic attacks and other symptoms, few people understood or sympathized with me. once I got help I realized that I WAS one of those people he spoke of. I just thought I had to feel like that forever. Now that I no longer have THAT kind of depression I can appreciate the fact that there are some things that we just don't understand. See, I fought my way through it and got help. But I DO understand that had I felt any worse than what I experienced I probably would have killed myself...as many others have! It is a combination of life events, life skills, something called the "diathesis stress model"--which measures a person's propensity for developing mental health diseases due to genetics, a person's support system, chemicals in the body and much more and we are all DIFFERENT. Luckily, some of us have better tools to work with. So instead of judging others it's better to say..."There but for the grace of God go I!" good luck

Answer 4

There is a turning point most people come to when they start choosing the pain and the pity more than they choose the solution. Sad, but too many people find it more gratifying to wallow in sorrow than pulling together a little strength to fix it and make it go away.

In the end you are SO much more gratified if you solve the problem yourself. B/c if you stay in the pain, your self pity and the compassion of others is just a bandaid. It doesn't fix anything. It only reinforces any self doubt you may have had.

Answer 5

This is a very good and interesting question. I can only give an opinion of this but I would say it depends on the person's mental stability, their will to move on and the support system around them.

Answer 6

i think .. all be it really unfounded and only my opinion. that people find comfort in pain its much easier to blame than move on .. far easier to think one thing so you dont have to dig too deep just incase its your fault or worst case senario you may realise there was nothing that can be done and have to move on .. now that just wouldnt do much easier to blame and console yourself by bitterness which in the end will consume .... and if that person didnt want your opinion why did they as k the general public in the first place ?