Fight with Fiance Got Physical, Should I Cut It Off?

Question

Last night my fiance and I were a buzzed after drinking a bunch of wine. We had a great weekend. Then things got wierd. He was jokingly pulling me on his lap, and I jokingly took his nose b/t my fingers and plugged it up. when I did that he got mad and in retaliation punched me on my skull - not too hard but hard enough. Long story short I threw a frisbee at him again semi-jokingly and it hit him on the face. he got really mad and got the frisbee and starting throwing it at me continuously with all his might. Then he started saying we were done. I know he didn't mean that. But I've never been in an abusive relationship and don't want to be now. Was he overreacting cuz he was drunk? Its my fault too because i have hit him on the leg once when I was mad and this started this whole wierd cycle where he hits back. Should I cancel our wedding and end it or talk to him?

Answer 1

Obviously he doesn't just do it when you guys are drinking, you said yourself you hit him and he hits you when you are mad.I think that the true person comes out when alcohol is involved. It is possible that he is an abuser, but if you don't want to just cut it off my best advice would be to talk about if.It should only take one time though! If he hits you get out of there!

Answer 2

oh my, did any one tell you that drinking and rough playing don't mix? I would said that is one of many reasons that cause fights to break out, too much drinking and rough housing/playing. I can't blame him for being bad after been struck in the face with a frisbee. Have this happen before between the two of you?

Yes, both of you are to blame for this weird cycle as you called it. First step is to talk to him about it and let him know that you accept your part of the blame for the fight. Don't try make him to accept his, let him do it on his own accord. If he admit his part of it, that is a good sign (my opinion) that the wedding is still on. If he still feel the same way and its done between the two of you. Then return the ring and call the wedding off. I hope that you learn something from this incident. good luck too ya

Answer 3

The short answer is yes. You should end it now, without question.
Alcohol does two primary things. It reduces our ability to reason clearly (we become less cunning), and it reduces our inhibitions (permitting us to do the things we really want to, but are constrained from doing otherwise). A controlling, manipulative person is less able to manipulate when drunk... they're less cunning. Their reactions are less thought out and more instinctive. An abusive person who wants to hurt others, but is otherwise constrained (by society, by the effect it would have on others, etc.) loses those inhibitions and acts they way they really want to act. When you see him drunk, you see him acting as he really wants to act, without having to stop to count the cost, or worry about the repurcussions.

Abuse always starts with some kind of spark; something, anything, the abuser can use to justify the abuse. However trifling, this makes the abuse "your" fault. And, just as you mentioned, you can see your actions as the trigger, and accept the blame for his over-reaction. You've already begun the cycle of manipulation, abuse and guilt.

He's very tentative now. His hooks aren't deep enough in you yet to let him really let go on you. You still have friends, family and some independance. Once married, you will lose that over time, become utterly dependant on him, and unable to escape without paying a terrible price.

I've seen this happen a thousand times. As an attorney, I've served on the board of abused women's shelters. I've handled their divorces. I've been guardian ad litem for their children. I've even defended their husbands for murder. (A good trial attorney handles whatever case comes in the door).

Get the point? Get out now, while the price is still one you can afford.

Answer 4

Maybe both for a little while (at least on your family's part as they will always be family) re-read your additional details. Only one tiny little sentence describes what YOU did/wanted 'A year after move in we had a huge fight, my family kicked him out of the house and *I moved my mom myself and my s.o. to a new place without my familys involvement*' That's it. The rest is all about what your family wanted/did or what your spouse wanted/did. You are being controlled by both, pulled into two different directions. You need to forget about standing up for him, forget about standing up for your family, start standing up for YOURSELF! No man that truly loves you would give you an ultimatum, especially when it comes to family. He felt lied because your mom got cancer and life wasn't turning out the way he expected??? seriously? Is this the type of person you really want to associate yourself with the rest of your life? You have a third option that will enable you to win, lose them both! And start living the life that YOU want, not what your s.o. wants, not what your family wants, not even what a bunch of strangers on the internet wants. YOU this is YOUR life and you only get one. Is this the way you want to live it? Whatever decision you make it's up to you (that's the whole point of my answer lol) so don't take my word for it. Really really think about it.

Answer 5

The face has all five sense close together. The quickest way to tick someone off is to hit them in the face. It looks like he will defend himself ten-fold if he is ever attacked and sees woman as equals so he doesn't hold back.

Interesting thing is if things were reversed few people would anything wrong with it. You crossed the line first and he defended himself. Many people go to far when defending themselves because they are not only stopping the initial assault, but also discouraging future attacks.

I would talk to him and find out what he is thinking about what happened.

Answer 6

I do not agree that this was abuse. I have seen abuse, and this sounds like rough-housing gone awry. what you need to do, now that you are both sober and coherent, is talk to him. tell him that you realize that you were playing, and it got out of hand. let him know that you did not mean anything by it. it always starts out in fun, but then someone gets hurt, and they get their feelings hurt. and it just perpetuates a cycle. as far as the "weird cycle", I think it's good that he hits back if you hit him first when you were mad. what the hell makes women think it's okay to hit a man and not get hit back? because guys were taught it's not nice to hit girls? that's crap! if you hit another girl, you would expect that she would hit you back. what makes it any different for what you expect from him? it is never a good idea to raise your hand in anger, to anyone, but if you do, expect to get hit back. you're only getting what you give.

I understand that everyone believes it's not right for a guy to hit a girl. I get that. I wouldn't want my guy hitting me. but if you raise your hand to your man, you bring it on yourself. women are like, it's okay for me to hit him because I'm the weaker sex, and it won't hurt him as much as it will if he hits me. what the hell happened to the feminist movement, where women wanted to be equal with men? if you want to be equal, then give them the same respect and don't hit them either.

as far as what should happen with your wedding, you should talk to him. (sorry I went off about the whole hitting thing, but seriously, I do know a girl who will swing on her boyfriend and not let up. I had to pull her off a guy one time. he called the cops and could have had her arrested for battery. and he was better than I would have been because he never hit her, he just kept shoving her off when she came at him. some women really ARE like that.) discuss what you both want, and come to an understanding. if you want to continue rough-housing, then by all means, continue. it's fun, but come up with a signal to stop if it gets too rough. don't allow each other to get angry over it, and don't allow yourself to get angry. you will only rehash something you've been through before, and next time someone might get hurt for real. hope things work out for you.

Answer 7

Wow, sounds like you both have anger management problems. You need to postpone the wedding right now and get this straightened out beforehand. You dont' want him hitting your kids if you have them together do you?? Think about stuff like that before you go through with anything. He should NEVER touch you, no matter what you do or how drunk he is.

Answer 8

It's only going to get worse. One or both of you may need professional help. The minimum you would both need to do is stop the drinking and drugs. When this type thing goes on until a child is involved, people can die.

Answer 9

that's a tough one - if that is the ONLY time he's ever been physical perhaps is was just the alcohol - it seems to me both of you crossed the line - perhaps you should apologize first and see how he reacts - if he sincerely apologizes then you should probably let it go at that - but if he says you deserved it or something like that - you could safely assume that it could happen again and should leave him ASAP

Answer 10

People who are mature and love one another don't 'jokingly' lay hands on one another. Especially to the point where it can be construed as abusive.
Should havegotten laid instead if you had to get physical. Maybe next time you'll know better.