How do you deal with a spouse who doesn't do their fair share around the house?

Question

I have been married for 17 years. I work from home and my wife works downtown. Because I work from home, over time almost all of the household chores and maintenance have defaulted to me.

Let me explain... I spend twice as much time caring for the kids. I make the 90% of our meals, including weekends. I do 90% of the laundry, 80% of the general cleaning, and 60% of kitchen cleaning/dishes. All of the general maintenance on our house (repairs, painting, mowing, landscaping, etc) also falls on me.

She does take a lead in a few things, such as our social calendar, setting up doctors' appointments, and school issues. But that is about it.

She refuses to see the inequality or uses her job/commute or her health as an excuse. She gets defensive and I look like the bad guy. If she acknowledges the problem at all, it 'gets better' for a week or so, and then back to normal.

Any advice?

First, I am the 'him' (I wondered if someone was going to assume I was the 'her').

Divorce is not an option. I am not going to put my kids through a divorce because I don't like doing laundry.

I am not confident that schedules will work because I have found that life does not run on a schedule. Also, I have to get 'buy in' from her, and I don't think she would commit to a schedule.

I guess I am looking for some thoughts on how to talk to her about this without her getting so d@mn defensive about it.

I also tried just taking care of my 'own' stuff. And in the end, it just feel petty and sophmorish. For example, for awhile, I only did laundry for myself and the kids. I felt and looked like an idiot, it reduced the amount of respect she had for me, not increased it.

Answer 1

Sounds like burnout.Been there ...
Sometimes we take on more than we feel we should have too, then see or significant other in a different light. We start feeling as though we are being used,and in some cases that is true.
You are doing this to yourself more than likely because you care. When we start analizing what we, or they, are doing in the relationship on a percentage basis,are we not actually feeling abused,and becoming angry with our spouse??. At least you've in the past communicated, quote "Said it was better for a short time " means your wife was listening to what you're saying, fighting the guilt within herself. ( Note: last sentence word " was " ). Now she is becoming more defensive when you try communicating these issues with her, and you feel "the bad guy". Did she call you a bad guy ?? or could it be ?-_ _ _ _ _ , fill in the blank spaces and ponder on it awhile. I've a feeling you are smart enough to figure this out .
Feelings run deep within us all. We say things that hurt not realizing. We feel things such as "the bad guy" all comes from this.
Be thankful you're able to perform the tasks you do. What if you could not. Things could always be worse couldn't they. What if your wife went to work never returning. Then you would've 100% of the duties.
Just in case you did not figure the five letter word out, here it is GUILT. You planted the seed of guilt in her, making her feel it for not doing as much as you, then your feeling of guilt from her defensivenees.
Glad to here you say that divorce is out of the question,for it is never the answer in situations as yours. To many people take that easy way out ,don't they?. You know this after 17yrs, of marriage. Its kind of odd for me telling you ,where I made my mistakes.
Hope you both can see, what my wife and I failed to see.

Answer 2

Well, this is a hard situation, because you dont' want to hurt her feelings and make her mad but you don't want to continue having all this burden left on you.....really all you can do is keep trying to talk to her, like for example say honey what would you think about splitting up the chores, like have a list or something of what you can do and what i can do....just expalin, you understand she works but you do to and you feel tired and need a little help, tell her you not trying to nag her about it but you feel it would help out alot if you split the chores around the house between the two of you, also if your kids are old enough to help out, get them involved, give them a few chores to do a day......i hope this all works out for you and i'm sure you two can come up with a compromise, that's what marriage is all about, give and take.....God bless

Answer 3

I don't know what part of I don't want to be around your ex you don't understand. Your wife is in the right and if she isn't comfortable being around and your ex shshouldn't't have to be. It is fair your wife is acting like she is on vacation that's your kid not hers. You should let her do what she wants and you go spend time with your daughter and be a good dad.

Answer 4

Sounds like you're screwed man !! Good luck trying to get her to help out more around the house. I have the same situation with my husband..........he doesn't do his share either. All that does is make me resentful towards him. Enough so that lately I have been thinking of leaving his sorry ***. Maybe divorce is the answer for you ????

Answer 5

set up a calender with shared duties. make the weekend more for her doing majority of the stuff.

Answer 6

Just take care of YOUR stuff and tell her to take care of her own stuff. When there is something that needs to be done that you couldn't do, just tell her that you couldn't do it. You can also sit down and write out the things that need to done and compromise on who will do it. COMMUNICATE

Answer 7

buy a nice cane. everytime he comes up short in the domestic department give him 12 strokes of the cane

Answer 8

check the below link its good

http://workathomedatentryworks.blogspot.com

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Answer 9

My advice to you would be to GET OVER IT!