My husband is a serial cheater. He is 23 & I am 30. We have been together since he was 18 & I was 26 (yes I know, big mistake). I am caucasian & he is african american. He is attracted to african american females & I am the only caucasian woman he has ever been with so I feel as though I can't "compete" with the females he likes. He vows to give it up & then does it again. He often times cannot deal with the guilt he feels for doing it so then he will blame me to make himself feel better. I know that everyone will say leave him or learn to deal with it, but I believe people can change & I also believe that once you commit to someone maritally that you should stick with them. Please do not think that I am uneducated or have low self-esteem. I have a master's degree & know that I am a wonderful & beautiful person. He has a hs diploma & often remarks that he can't contribute to the family as I do. Does anyone have any suggestions on what can be done to change a serial cheater?
2007-08-06 07:21:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
*First off you can change a cheater but it depends on why he (or she) is cheating. {example I was a cheater; but every relationship I was in was abusive, though I didn't realize that at the time. I have now been with my second husband three years and not once have I thought about cheating.}
*Second it doesn't matter the age. I am a 26 year old caucasian woman married to a 23 year old african american, we first meant when he was 19 and I had just turned 23.
*Now for why he might be doing it... One he could feel insecure around you due to his lack of eduacation and he goes and cheats with women he can feel at least equal to (though I'd bet money he feels superior) or two he really is only with you because you're his "sugar mama". I'm sorry to bring that up but the reason I do is because you say you are the only caucasian woman he's been with. My husband had dated both before we meant and he perfers "white" women.
So the first thing would be to figure out why he's doing it. Then go from there. If it's because of him needing to feel superior then councling might help, but if it's the other reason then it's time to move on.
I hope this helps.
2007-08-06 07:35:26 · answer #1 · answered by Spring 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry, that there are no books or methods to cure a "serial cheater" I believe that it is psychological and the man may not even understand why he is a serial cheater. Many men cheat because it gives them a feeling of superiority and for many others, cheating boosts their ego. A person will never change to please you. The change will come in its time, according to how much "cheating" means ans satisfies someone's psychological needs. Do not compare yourself nor compete with the other women as that has nothing to do with his cheating behavior. Do not think of leaving your husband or doing the same to get even.( that would be stupid) Only a HS diploma and marrying you as a Caucasian woman may give him an edge that makes him attractive to the other women. I am definitely sure that he does not want to lose you but the other women of African-American descent talking of you may give him a kick.
2007-08-06 08:05:12 · answer #2 · answered by alpha & omega 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, a woman is a woman all have the same parts as far as sex goes. If he is attracted to black women then you should say see ya and find someone who wants to be with you. Not to be mean but maybe he stays with you cause you will be there no matter what he does. Put your foot down and say if you cheat again I am gone and if he does that will tell you right there that 1. he is not going to change for you and 2. that your marriage does not mean enough to him and you move on. Also I strongly agree with for better or worse but he is not only cheating on you more than once and then blames you. That is just unhealthy, work on yourself first and then you will realize you don't need that.
2007-08-06 08:55:12 · answer #3 · answered by xyz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Changes by David Bowie We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel (The more things change the more they stay the same) Yes, it's a beautiful spring day here in NZ. I think it's 19 degrees C and not a cloud in the sky. BQ: Any song by The Beach Boys or Jan & Dean for summer. BQ2 Summer, Spring, Autumn, Winter
2016-05-19 22:46:57 · answer #4 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
For someone so educated you really do sound like a fool. That man is not addicted to cheating!! He cheats because he can and like always he can cheat AND have you. I feel people can change too BUT the problem your dealing with can KILL YOU ! Do you not ever think of the what ifs? H e has been cheating on you for years and years. There is the threat of STDs and outside babies.. HE is not the one that needs changing YOU do. You need to understand that a human can NOT change the behaviors of another human being. He can and will change If and when he wants to. He is not playing you for the fool...your playing yourself !!!!!
2007-08-06 08:12:46 · answer #5 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
"Serial" cheater....like a "serial" killer...cannot be changed. You...of all people with educational qualifications and apparently considerably more mature than your spouse should be able to figure that out.
Blaming you for his infidelities is a great lack of respect for you and its you...not he...who lacks self esteeem. Tell me...why would you subject yourself to this humiliation? Hmmmmm? Don't say 'because I love him'. Thats crap. How can you love someone who considers one of the most intimate and personal acts you can share with someone who you love and cheapen it into just plain animalistic rutting to get your rocks off?
You stay with him then you have nothing to complain about.
2007-08-06 07:46:53 · answer #6 · answered by Quasimodo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't do a damn thing to change someone who cheats over and over again. Go ahead and stay with him in the hopes that he will change...in the mean time life will pass you by and you will have lost out on finding someone to love that will love you back and will respect you.
2007-08-06 07:27:06 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sorry dear, he isnt going to change. your friends are right. You have three choices. You can accept things as they are, Joing a swingers group and both of you play around together, or move on with your life. And to be frank, as long as you allow it to continue with no consequences, you are just reinforcing the behavior and giving him de facto permission to continue. Your choices are simple, give in or walk out.
2007-08-06 07:29:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have several i have already lived through that its in the pass but i know exactly what situation you are in. Is there help, maybe but not in the near future. If you wuld like to chat more email me i can give you lots of insight on what you are up against.
2007-08-06 07:27:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not going to change. I suspect he feels inferior [degree and age wise, not race wise] and is acting out on that. He's also very young, was too young when he got married. I am afraid he will never be happy in this marriage. Sounds like you really love him, too bad.
2007-08-06 07:26:23 · answer #10 · answered by Mitch 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋