Second Thoughts?

Question

I've been dating my boyfriend for about a year and a half now and known him roughly 2 years. Earlier this month he popped the quest on me and I said yes, being quite caught up in the moment. Now that we're engaged though, I get second thoughts. He wants to get married in December (elope) and then in June have a more formal ceremony, but I'm uneasy about this. I get a little paranoid asking myself what if i doesn't work out? And I'm not so sure I want to get married so early on, I keep telling myself to give it time and see. I keep nit-picking at him and finding all the negatives, they're vain and stupid ones (IE. I don't like the way his voice sounds, don't ask, I just don't). I don't want to get married and then be another member of the huge statistic of divorce. I always had this idea I'd only get married once. And when I kiss him, I always feel nothing, its just a kiss. Maybe the whole sparks thing is just a fairytale deal? Is it just jitters or should I figure out a way to tell him

I'm rather money-conscious of a person too and I know he bought the ring a while back, but he's military and has been stationed elsewhere so he could propose sooner. I'd always felt a little guilty saying yes to him, like I was obligated to because he'd purchased that expensive ring. I do love him, very much, but I worry that maybe he loves me more than I do him? He always tells me I'm perfect for him, he's so lucky to have me, etc. And he's always very affectionate to me and just overall loving. Whereas, I'm more independent and less affectionate with him. I love him a lot, maybe I'm just confused as to what way I love him? I want to tell him how I feel on all this, but I'm afraid it would hurt him, and he's fairly sensitive and I couldn't deal with that guilt.
Has anyone been in this situation before? What did you do? I'm so confused.

Answer 1

Sounds like you need more time. Obviously, for you, marriage is a huge lifelong decision and you are feeling very unsure that you have met the right man. If the idea of marriage is putting pressure on you and causing you to nitpick and find negatives, imagine what actual marriage will do. Tell him you want to extend your engagement because you need to feel 100% secure and confident that you're ready. I think it's hard to phrase this in a way that won't insult or confuse him so you will have to choose your words wisely. Whatever you choose, don't get married because he pressures you, that is most definitely the wrong reason. If he is the right one for you he will be understanding and accomodate your request for time. Just explain you want to spend this extension of time with him to build a stronger and deeper foundation to your relationship. Best wishes.

Answer 2

How old are you and how much relationship experience do you have? Do you feel you have a "gut instinct" that is often right? Some hesitation and moments of doubt are normal; I think, it comes from the fact that we simply cannot know the future; we WANT so badly for everything to turn out right, but from our experience and from the experience of others we know that things don't always turn out as planned. We try and find reassurance that in our case, things will be fine - but this reassurance is hard to come by. It can be a frustrating feeling, and can come through as "not being sure" - but you have to learn to accept that we must make decisions, and be prepared to fail, if we are to advance at all.

On the other hand, there are situations when our gut feeling tells us that something is just not "right". It might seem "right" on the surface, but deep down we feel that something's wrong; often we don't even know what it is. With some experience and self-knowledge, you can become more skilled at teasing out what exactly makes you uncomfortable.

I disagree with people who say, "if you're not 100% sure, don't get married." You probably are never going to be 100% sure; realistically, you never CAN be; human relationships are too complex to ever be 100% sure of anything at all. Best you can do is ask yourself, does this feel right? Does it feel right when I picture myself being with this person day in and day out? Obviously, you can't project with 100% accuracy how you might feel in 10 or 20 years, but start by figuring out if it feels "right" at this particular time. Whatever you do, don't marry someone just because you feel bad about saying "no". Also, while divorce can be painful, it is not the end of the world - don't let the fear that you *might* get divorced someday keep you from pursuing your happiness. In other words, don't be guided by neither guilt nor fear; they are poor advisers. Look within yourself, and let your intuition guide you to the answer you will be most comfortable with.

Answer 3

Girl, before we get married, we all have these thoughts and wonder if it's the right decision, i did the same thing, we start looking for the negative and start nit picking because marriage is a forever thing, it's normal to be scared and wonder and feel like this, so don't feel bad, you can talk to him about this but it would prob just hurt him, it's best to deal with this yourself, do some soul searching, think it out, the kiss thing, that's just you being paranoid, after a few months of dating, the sparks thing goes away, that just means your comfy with your man, if you really love him just look past his flaws and go for it.....God bless

Answer 4

errrrr, sounds like you should have already been looking for another guy by now. I'd at least delay.

I know people think I'm retarded for this and that I may be, but I think marriage really isn't to be taken lightly and that people should be together for rather a long time first, including a good long time while engaged.

Too many people jump into things, don't follow their heart...

On one hand if you don't like the sound of his voice - you certainly don't want to marry him.

On the other hand; Odds are good there's something else going on with you that you need to deal with. This problem with picking at little things could be your minds way of trying to make you see it isn't right. It could be something about you that's trying to sabotage things. So the only right choice on that front is probably to go see a doc, talk about the issues, dig deep into you and see what's really going on.

Once you've figured yourself out - figuring out where this relationship is going should be cake. :-)

Answer 5

Hey girl, where were you when I asked these questions?? I'm in the exact same boat. I'm 24. Just got engaged, known each other 3yrs been together 1.5yrs. Said yes to his proposal for the sake of not hurting his feelings. We bought a house. (and got a puppy 1yr ago). My family adores him some of his family likes me. His sis and mom are backstabbers (who make up lies and stories) so we don`t talk much. I feel I`m permanently stuck here now. I`m the same person as you, very independent lived on my own before we got an apartment 1 yr ago. I own my own business. As for Sex it`s 4 outta 10. I often have thoughts of cheating I miss the passion and lust I`ve shared with others (we have none and no way to salvage it). I`m the same, sometimes I just snap outta no where due to anger and frustrations, just looking at him makes me wanna pack my stuff and leave. Everything you mentioned is the exact same things i think or feel. I guess it`s not just me. I don`t know what it is or how to explain it. It could be jitters. Just think, his voice is gonna be the one you`ll have to put up with the rest of your life. Last man you`ll sleep with. You have to seriously ask yourself can I really put up with his idiosyncrasies the rest of our lives, I know these thoughts and questions come to mind everyday.

Answer 6

Find someone, a minister, counselor, etc. who can help you sort through your feeling. Frankly, it looks like you don't want to get married and you don't want to marry him.

Find "Date or Soul Mate" --it has great ideas about how to be sure. Buying you a ring doesn't obligate you to marry him. He can take it back. Half of all divorces include at least one person who knew at the wedding ceremony that it was a bad idea. Don't ignore the feeling.

Answer 7

My philosophy on marriage is that if there are any doubts and second thoughts, do not do it! You don't need to marry him. Break off the engagement and get out of the relationship. If you feel nothing when you kiss him you aren't going to start at a later time. You need to be 100% sure, not 95%.

Answer 8

I could just repeat what everyone has just said but I'm not. Everyone here is right, you have to just step back and loOK at things from the outside. You are the one who is going to be doing this not your family or your friends. So just takes things with a grain of salt and make what ever decision you think is right for you. Hope things turn out ok. Good Luck

Answer 9

It sounds as if you are not in love with your boyfriend. Marriage takes a lot of work from both people involved. There is nothing wrong with not getting married so soon. If your marriage is meant to be he will be there in the future for you. If you really aren't ready to commit to him...then you need to tell him now.

Answer 10

You are not ready to get married. You definitely need more time to think things through. Your wedding day should be one of the most happiest days of your life and since you're not feeling all that happy being engaged right now....just tell him how you feel and that you need more time.