How is this poem?

Question

The Decadent Decline

Sounds of much glass crashing
Couldn't stop all this from passing
We all live in this hellhole of everlasting bashing
Just couldn't stop all the fast lashing

If this rhyme is too negative give me a break
If this crime is too hostile than try to forgive this mistake
As this intent of violence begins to rise
Its just a bit of my special suprise

Twelve days of reknown have bitten us all up
Ten weeks of the fear has it smitten the flowing cup
Nine months the day of dread appears and it wears
All the colors of you and all those I've met...lost the bet

Will you turn on me to fight on this night of all nights
As the crux of my many desperate plights
Wishing for an end to this trance the bullet flies home
Missing all the moves to this lasting dance with bleeding foam

We see all of our past lives many unforgiveable mistakes
As we fly to the Pearly Gates looking for the highest stakes
People walking on polished gold and god in Heaven see this as the ultimate balm
I wanted to stay but just couldn't take all this calm

You can only be in one or the other as I fluttered downwards
Sky above or flames below the angels muttered
As the bottom nears all the fears cause me to stutter
Why what a mistake in this wake of suffering.....life was not so bad

Answer 1

This is a good start for a poem but I would advise you to do a rewrite or two to improve some basic things. Here are some of my suggestions;

I would remove the word just from line four. I think this makes the poem seem too informal so it doesn't fit in.
One big no no in poetry (unless of course the poem was a humerous one about writing poetry) is that you should not talk about rhyming or the poem in the poem. (did that make sense?) therefor, the first line of the second stanza should be rewritten. I like the idea that you have there, it just doesn't fit in with your topic at all.
And one last thing... in the last two lines of your third stanza, the rhyming changes and doesn't match the rest of the poem. If you read it aloud right there, it doesn't flow well and is hard to read.

Other than these few minor things I think this poem is well written and portrays a good message.
I also very much like your title. :]

Hope this constructive criticism help for a future draft.
Keep writing.

-Kelsey

Answer 2

Well...it's rap, it only works as rap. If you meant it as anything other than rap, you missed. So, is it "good" rap? It's not bad, but you have some malapropisms and it's "renown", not "reknown".

What makes this rap and not "poetry"? Well, some would argue that Rap "is" poetry. In a way, it is, but it's not what most people would consider poetry, that's all.

The only "bad" line is the one at the end where you tried to get cute...add this to the end: "so get out of the gutter" and you save it, and the poem.

keep writing

Answer 3

For me a poem has to have rhythm. It would not unavoidably could rhyme besides the fact that it desires to hit my thoughts. i think of readability of expression is significant as properly. i do no longer decide for to 2nd wager what i'm examining approximately. I constantly seek for what I term "poetic gemstones"interior the text cloth.

Answer 4

You have a gift with words, but not with consistency, my friend. Your first line reads with six syllables, while one of the longest lines has twenty-one. Work on keeping it more consistent from start to finish. But other than that, it was okay. Not great, but a good start for writing poetry.

Answer 5

I felt like I was "reading" a rap song.... I like what you are saying but it was getting sing-songy in my head...

Answer 6

This is a wonderful poem! You are very poetic

Answer 7

dnt u have a g.f or what ?? anyways due i just woke up to find out that first line was terefic,, rest all were invisible,,, good try,,,

Answer 8

very good very much so