how do you get past knowing you are your husbands biggest regret?He says he loves me but i cant get past this?

Question

My husband contacted his ex from 20+ years ago by email They have been emailing each other a few times a week for a few months and have gone to lunch together at least once that I know of We got into a big fight and i asked him to leave he refused He says he has cut off all contact with her and he has been very attentive and loving I found some poems and stories he wrote about two people meeting and confessing their love and unhappines being married to someone else but thinking of eachother but not being able to promise anything to eachother now one says even after all these years are you surprised that its me who is secretly crying tears and that he'll just have to settle with being friends one says it was clear the first time i saw you the feeling haven't changed. He said shes happily married u don't have to worry. during an argument he said 1 time lets just wait til the kids are grown well decide what to do then he said he didnt mean it he says he wants to work on it advice?

Answer 1

Now how can you do anything with him and not think that he's comparing you to her? If I was in that situation I would always be feeling like I was being compared to the other person.

I'm pretty sure that this is a pretty big wedge between you and you're only going to be able to take so much unless you get counseling right away.

Answer 2

I am not married, but if I were married and my hubby were communicating with an old ex, I know I would be royally pissed, hurt, and confused.
I know I can not give you the advice you want, but I do hope everything works out for the best for you.
However, the part where he said, "Lets wait til the kids are grown and we'll decide what to do then." That was really bad, and I am sure he does regret it. The question here is, do you trust your husband enough to want to work things out?

Answer 3

Wow this is a tough one, but I would not want to be with a man who really wants to be with someone else. Why wait until the kids are grown to start over things are already at a low for you now. Pray and ask God for the best solution to this problem.

Answer 4

Your husband sounds like a total nut case. Why would he write this stuff down in your house? It seems abusive TO you that he thinks this behavior and writings aren't a HUGE problem. To say one thing that is SO hurtful and then excuse it by saying.. Oops, I didn't mean it. He sounds like a nut. I wonder if the question isn't "what is wrong with this man?" and NOT "Does he love me or not?"

Answer 5

Wow, what a tough situation. He needs to be honest with you about everything before you can even begin dealing with the issue. It's not fair to you to stay married to a man who only settled because his ex wasn't available. I'd be very very hurt.
I'm sorry your going through this.

Answer 6

He just needs to realize that he decided to spend the rest of his life with you. Even though he may realize this eventually, it still doesn't give him cause to do something like this to you. I don't quite understand why some people need to do this, there must be two kinds of people in the world, those who cheat (for whatever reason) and those who don't.

Answer 7

It sounds like u guys need marriage conciling. He needs to fess up to what he is truely feeling regardles sof how events might turn out. It is not fair to u or the kids if he is staying strictly because of the kids.

Answer 8

I am so sorry!! That has to cut deep. I don't think that you should stay with him. Its unfortunate for your children, but it would be much worse to wait. You will never be able to let go of that thought, therefor you will never be able to be everything you need to be for your children. My only other suggestion would be counseling. Good luck!! I'll be praying for your family.

Answer 9

what do you want to do? do you really love him enough to try to make it work? are you going to be able to get over the hurt and truly forgive him? this is one of those things where you have to really look inside yourself at what you want

try counceling and then see where that takes you, i would make any hasty decisions though

Answer 10

Men are visually oriented. But what we "see" has little to do with the image you view in the mirror. Our image is colored by thoughts, emotions, shared memories, etc. Good ones soften and warm our image. Bad ones make our image harsher; colder; less appealing. Over time, our minds tend to suppress bad feelings and accentuate good ones. This is why an old man can look at an old woman and think she's the most beautiful woman in the world. He's not being kind, or blind. He really "sees" her that way. His image is colored by too much good to see anything that isn't beautiful to him.

Think of your husband's "image" of her. He's had 20 years to forget everything bad about her; 20 years to "highlight" everything good. His image isn't burdened by 20 years of duty, responsibility, lost opportunities, financial hardships, sickness, anger, frustration... He has 20 years to remember the good, forget the bad and create an image that is appealing; uncluttered by the day to day efforts we all make just to stay alive. He's not in love with her. He's in love with an image that has almost nothing to do with what's real. (All I have to do is imagine my high school girlfriend, then look at her picture in the yearbook, to demonstrate this to myself. My image of her bears little relationship to what she really looked like then, and nothing to do with what she's really like now.)
Your husband is not "in love" with her. He's in love with an image that does not exist. Truth is, it never did. He's colored it with everything that was beautiful, and deleted everything that wasn't. If he's imaginative, his subconcious has added a lot of beatiful things that were never there to begin with. He's imagining having the past 20 years with her without any frustration, any pain, any anything that life is really about. He imagines he would have had none of the troubles that life actually brings, and did bring with you.
You're competing with a ghost. An "image of perfection"; and you're... well, you're just you. How do you compete with that? How do you maintain a sense of self-esteem as a woman in this scenario?
First, you're not inadequate, or second-best. You're real. You're human. You're alive. She isn't. Don't allow insecurity and a sense of being second-best to affect your sense of self-esteem. Dreams are always great... until you wake up.

Second, remember men are visually oriented and their image has little to do with what you see in the mirror. The most vivid thoughs, emotions and memories we have are the most recent ones. Those are the ones that affect our image the most. Circumstances have given you time. You have the opportunity to color his image of you if you choose. Or you can wander in self-pity and fear, squander that opportunity and lose him to a ghost.
Your greatest weakness (that you are real) is also your greatest strength. You are there. You are able to affect his image (not of her, but of you). What happens to his image of you if you color it with good feelings? Good emotions? Wonderful memories? You've had 20 years to learn what this guy wants; what he needs. You should know what his dreams and fantasies are. Fulfill them. Forget his image of "her". Focus on his image of you. Color it; brighten it; warm it. If he's willing to make an effort as well, your chances of success are much greater. But even alone, IF you really want to, your chances are good.
If you do this, his image of her won't change. It will just fade away. That's what ghosts do.