How can I gain the strength to finally walk away??

Question

My husband and I have been together for 14 years next month. We have a 4 month old son who I adore : ) I am pretty much fed up with his behavior this past year....or so. He leaves home and doesn't come back until 3 or 4 AM! When I ask where he was he says "I was just out"...when in reality, he was at the bars drinking and stuffing his nose. I confronted him early this morning since he decided to come home at 3AM again....and he didn't deny the fact that he was out using drinking and doing drugs. This is not an every day thing, but he has been doing this at least twice a month! I have dealt with it because my son is so young and nobody wants to lose their family. I'm so exhausted and so fed up, that I am ready to go. I am afraid of change. I doubt that he'ss faithful while he is out since bars stop serving alcohol at 1:30AM! Just the thought really makes me sad. He's a nice guy, responsible, & has a good job.

I don't do drugs...so I don't know what life is out in bars with women etc. I know doing drugs is absolutely wrong...but the more I know about what goes on out there, the more I want out! The stronger I get and I need that. I'm so sad this happened. I didn't know he did drugs until I caught him while I was pregnant. He says it's not everyday and that he is not addicted....yea right.

Answer 1

Everyone hates change, but that is what you need. Take that leap of faith!! Get the hell out....Now!

He is Not a "nice guy" He is NOT "responsible", and you can get a good job your own self. Wake up!!

Answer 2

The next time your husband is sober and his mind is not clouded by alcohol or drugs you two need to sit down and have a talk. Tell him that you are aware of his drinking and drug use and just won't tolerate it, especially with a young son involved. Tell him you will help him get treatment if he wants it. If he decides that he doesn't want the help then you must tell him that you and his son will be filing for separation and divorce. Tell him to pack his things and get out. Putting your foot down may force him to see what he will be losing if he continues on this path. If it doesn't he wasn't ready to admit his problems anyway and it will just get worse before it gets better and you and your son don't need to be there for that. Your strength will come from doing the right thing for your son. Also, be careful of overnight or unsupervised visitations and ask the court for regular drug testing so you know your son is safe while with your husband. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Have you guys tried counseling? That can be helpful, even if your husband doesn't want to change. I have known couples who gave it a try and it worked for them. If you feel that you have exhausted all possibilities, then your strength will have to come from a good support system. Your family, friends and most importantly God. I went through something similar and it's hard but it's not worth it to stay in a situation. It makes it worse for your child to grow up in that atmosphere. Your husband has already abandoned you by his actions and never being there physically or emotionally. You deserve better. Eventually it will began to eat away at your soul, if it hasn't already, and you just need to get out. I hope this helps. I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

Answer 4

Tell him that you are serious if his actions do not change. It's not really a big deal if he goes out once in a while but if he is being unfaithful and doing drugs, that is putting an immediate and negative effect on your relationship and family. Stay with a friend, family member or even a hotel for a few days or weeks to let him know that you are serious. If he does not realize that his family comes before drugs and/or sex then it's time to think of some more permanent alternatives. Good luck!

Answer 5

he's not responsible -- just because he has a good job...

he is being totally irresponsible when it comes to his family. you are being disrespected and neglected and playing second fiddle to drugs and alcohol. he could get killed driving under the influence, he is spending money foolishly and these aren't any indication of someone who is responsible.

i don't think it's "nice" at all that he does this.

if he has to find comfort and fun outside of the home, he has issues.

first thing you might consider is looking at the things you're saying. hon i'm not trying to be critical, but it seems you are rationalizing his behavior and sort of excusing it, because you say he's nice and responsible... i don't see it.

i'm so sorry you are sad... i see you have a few decisions to make, perhaps you could talk with a therapist or even someone your respect and trust and look up to for advice, or just for someone to listen and lean on?

your husband needs to get help with this, also and decide between the partying, possibly addicted, life or family life.

take care.

Answer 6

You really do need to get out...His addiction is harming you and your son. I understand that you are scared about the change.....but when anyone does something different outside of what they are use to doing, it can be really scary. How about finding a support group? They can offer their support to you and give you some guidance as you are making changes in your life. Do you have family members or close friends around you that love and support you in your decision to leave your husband? It will be tough for awhile...but you are strong! Keep telling yourself this....and you will get through this and for the better. Good luck and I hope the best for you and your son.

Answer 7

Find a place to stay, pack some of your things and the next time he goes out let him know that if he leaves the house - you'll be gone by the time he comes back. That you refuse to raise your son with this behavior. That you want him to grow up in a nice family enviornment - not the one that he's providing now. & if he does leave - then you need to be strong enough to leave. Dont' come back until you KNOW you can trust him to be honest and stop screwing around.

Answer 8

You already have the strength to leave. I know it is hard, trying to think about having to pay the bills and get a new home and be responsible for everything on your own. You have to look on the bright side which is you will be happy and won't have to worry about when and if he is coming in. You can do it, I know you can. I wish you and your son the best of luck!

Answer 9

Find strength in believing you deserve better! Find strength in knowing your son deserves to have a daddy who is emotionally healthy, physically healthy and won't leave his family hanging with evasive answers as to what he's been doing all night.

On a personal note...I'd try counseling first! Get a 3rd party/professional involved, who will hold him accountable for what he says/does. He may still attempt to keep you in the dark with what he's doing, but a therapist is trained to see these things. Counseling takes strength...lots of it! It takes honesty and endurance...but it will give you the backbone you need.

I know (from personal experience) that change is a scary thing...but it can be invigorating. Start being stronger now. Learn to say no. If you have to set guidelines and let him know how this makes you feel...do it! He needs to know these things. And if all else fails...leave him. No one should look down on you for taking care of yourself and your child. If they do...then shame on them!

Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

He is not a nice guy, he is definitely NOT responsible, but the good news is, he has a good job.
You get a good lawyer. You file for divorce. You get alimony and child support and you get out of this crappy environment, unless you want your child to have an alcoholic drug addict for a father, or before you add more kids to the mix, God forbid. Do this for the sake of your baby.

Answer 11

well he is addicted, and he is acting badly, and your 4 month old does not deserve to be around that kind of influence. and you don't want that in a husband, do you? so, how do you get the strenght to leave? attend Alanon meetings. call and AA chapter to get more info. they deal with the spouses of addicted partners, which you have. you will not change his behavior unless HE decides that HE wants to change, and people generally don't change unless they hit their rock bottom. we don't know what his rock bottom is. it could be losing his family, or it could be 6 months from now when he wakes up on the side of the road not know where he is, drunk and messed up, and living with HIV because he's sleeping aroung. you also don't want to expose your self to STD's if there is a chance that he is messing around. do not be codependent with this man. get to Alanon and get a sponsor. sit down and think of a plan to get out of this marriage. he is fully capable of making the right choices but chooses not to, to don't take on that responsibility of trying to get him to change. it's a waste of time, believe me. get your 4 month old into abetter environment. good luck.