Months ago, i found out that my cousin and my husband had an affair, it hurts me a lot but i need to stay with my husband for the sake of my kids. Although my life is miserable right now. i don't know what to do but i love so much my kids. Don't really know how to handle this right now. It makes me crazy everyday.
2007-08-06 04:42:32 · 69 answers · asked by Desperate Wife 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
What you like teaching your kids it is ok to be in a marriage that is unhappy and filled with mistrust? That's all you are doing by staying. Oh and good luck on him not cheating again cause you already proved he can cause you are going to stay for the kids....Sorry
2007-08-06 04:47:02 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
#1, life is too short to be miserable on a daily or hourly basis. Dump the chump. #2-stay married for the kids sake? What sake is that-so they can see the two of you in an unloving, unequal, uncaring, uncommunicating relationship? Is that the kind of relationship you want your kids to think is normal? #3-Your kids will get over it, you need to be happy without the cheating husband, and with your cousin!! Were you guys on Jerry Springer? #4-I'm sure the two of you communicate very calmly most of the time, or you don't communicate very little if at all. What part of that is positive for your kids? My parents did not get along at all when I was growing up. I would have been much happier visiting the two of them separately, because then at least they would have been in a good mood more often. I'm 39 now, and both of my parents are dead. I have a few fond memories of my parents actually loving each other. Most of them are in the last few weeks of my mothers life. Thank God we found out early enough and the love between them could still come through because the 15 years before that, they were both very unhappy. Don't do that to your kids. Leave the bum.
2007-08-13 17:05:05 · answer #2 · answered by Zam 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, Never stay because of the kids. In the long run it will affect your kids in a bad way. They can tell when Mom and Dad are unhappy. You seem to Love your Children alot, and want to do what is right for them. You do not say if you work outside the home or not. If you do not have a Job, get one and save some money and take your kids and leave or even better, go see a Lawyer and based on the fact he committed Adultry, the Lawyer will force him to leave and pay you Child Support and Alimony. Each State id different, so you really need to go see a Lawyer. Consultation is Free, and he will advise you the Necessary steps to take. Do not stay in a Miserable Marriage. It is not good for you or the Children. As far as your Cousin goes, I hope you Kicked her A** good but realistically be a better person than she is and NEVER have anything to do with her again. I wish you and the Kids the best. You deserve to be Happy, but you have to work for it Now. Go see a Lawyer, Get a Job and get on with your Life...
2007-08-14 04:23:06 · answer #3 · answered by donna_honeycutt47 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hello Questioner,
I did went through all the answers which were posted and almost all were similar, advicing you to counsel or leave to give your kids a better life. I do agree with all those facts but personally I felt that you should first find the reason. Why did he had an affair in the first place? Was it a mistake on your side or is he a womanizer? If it is a prob on your side and if he loves you truly, there is no point of divorce here. You could easily find your prob and set it right and make the family better again. If he doesn't love you and no commitment in being together then moving is a wiser choice.
2007-08-06 14:13:02 · answer #4 · answered by Abu 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, personally, I don't have kids, so I can't really empathize with you, but I do however sympathize. I am one of those people looking at this from the kids perspective.
On one hand, they will have their Dad around, which is important, especially in the times that we are living in (because these days most men don't want to be around or even claim their kids (i.e: Maury) but he wasn't thinking about you or them when he slept with your cousin, (a relative at that). He didn't think about the consequences of what would happen if he got caught. Maybe he didn't think it would ever get out. Just because you're hurt doesn't mean that's what he meant to do. It was a typical male mistake and everyone deserves a 2nd chance. At least one. Especially your husband. It's not like he's some boyfriend or bed buddy. He's your husband and the father of your children. I believe that every man is capable of cheating at least once in a lifetime, the only thing that makes this even more hurtful is the fact that it was your cousin. I'd have a few choice words for her too.
You also have to consider how unhealthy it may be for the children to witness you two fighting all the time and looking at you being depressed and down because of what your husband did. That can affect them too. Kids are smarter than you think and they can pick up on emotions and tension in the house. Maybe you two should consider taking up counseling, and working out the relationship between the two of you first and foremost, that will create less tension in the house, therefore allowing the children to be less stressed out with your drama.
I don't know what your financial situation is, but a lot of guys don't like counseling, (too evasive in one's privacy), consider a vacation or a long drive somewhere, it helps. I know that your hurt and angry with your husband, also at your cousin, which is why I commend you for staying to try and work it out, Too many of us have what I call "The Hollywood Marriage Mentality" where marriages only last for a week or two. You are one of those women trying to stick it out and work it out, but don't use your kids as a reason for doing it, what about your happiness?
If you're unhappy all the time, how happy will that make your children or your husband? It does take strength to stay, maybe even more strength than leaving, but at the end of the day it all comes down to trust and respect. You and your husband should really sit down and discuss how his actions will affect your marriage, how it already has and how strong your love really is and he needs to figure out where he wants to be and if he's really ready to be the man you need him to be for your family. Hope I helped some. Good Luck!
-M.B
2007-08-06 05:27:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh dear. What a mess. I am not sure that you can just continue like nothing happen. I mean. You are understandably very upset, and it's not going to get better by you ignoring this problem. If you push reality out the door, it will crash in through the window. Make sure your husband knows you found out and he agrees to counselling and working on fixing your marriage. There is no easy solution to this. It's a process, and if you think you can go on with your life pretending all is well, you will have a nervous breakdown, and what will your kids do then?
You have rights. Even if you get divorced he has to support you and your children. It's the final option if all else fails, I am not suggesting you divorce him just yet, but you must deal with this issue as soon as you can, so you know your options and figure out where to go from there.
2007-08-06 04:50:45 · answer #6 · answered by artist-oranit.com. 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's tough love time, and I'm not sugar coating this. It's harsh, but I really don't care. "But I don't know how to stop." Ok ... so who, exactly, is in charge of your thoughts and your actions if not you? The tooth fairy? You can't stop ... what? Being a whiny, faithless twit who hasn't a clue about how to carry herself with character and dignity? How to stop allowing sex to rule your life, instead of recognizing a good thing when you have it and doing everything in your power to keep her home and her family intact? How to grow up and accept responsibility for your choices, instead of blaming it on 'but I don't know how to stop.' When you say that, it makes everything not your fault, but you can't explain away such a horrible mistake that you've made. Your head is so far up your asz that you can probably see daylight! W H Y did you marry this poor guy who is now stuck with you forever (in one way or another, even if you don't stay together, the chances of which are zero right now)? SINCERELY - Why did you marry him?? You clearly have nothing in common, he wants kids and you don't, you're bored (which, by the way, also means that you're b o r i n g), you've already cheated and are about to again, so I'm wondering why you felt the need to destroy this man's life by marrying him, knowing full well that you didn't feel the desire, love and passion for him that every man deserves from his woman. WTF WERE YOU THINKING !?!?! Leave him. Tell him THE TRUTH (if that's even possible for you to do ... actually better yet, just show him this post. I DARE YOU), and I mean everything, and cut him loose so that he can find a better woman, who will love him and give him the life he THOUGHT he was getting from you. He's right to not go to counseling, because your problem cannot be fixed through therapy. Your problem is bad character, and there's no amount of counseling that can fix bad character. Leave him so you'll be free to party and travel and meet people and have adventures and go off in search of ... Do it tomorrow, so that he can get on with his life with a better woman than you, that knows what she's doing, because you surely don't. Honestly, finding a better woman than you shouldn't be that hard, doll. Hey, I warned you this was harsh, but so is the way you think it's perfectly fine to play with a man's feelings like you do. YOU are harsh, and I hope he leaves you and ends up happier with the kind of woman he deserves. Go look in a mirror!
2016-05-19 21:44:43 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is sad to know that your marriage has turned out this way, but this is life, it comes with all the uncertainities. Your post surely expressed how miserable you are feeling right now, being unhappy is a sure signal for you that you do want happiness. Happiness is to be worked on. It just does not come along. You clearly come out as a dependent person, you dont want to make changes hence blame the kids for not taking action. Once the kids are gone whos sake is it going to be, perhaps you will find another excuse, i put up with all this for so long for the sake of............i will stay.
People who are scared to take responsibility have a chain of excuses, change can be scary, because it needs change in the way you see things, it is challenging, people may not support you, you will be breaking some of the norms of the society, you will be falling short of the expectations of your elders, but eventually it s your life, and how you want to lead it.
In being in this relationship, you are role modeling to your kids that its is good to put up with all the nonsense, you are teaching them to be passive, and tolerant of all the nonsense of the significant people in their lives.
You are preparing them to be unhappy for the rest of their lives. Why is it that you want to be the way you are? Dont you want to be happy? How can you live with a man you betrayed your trust. If you are going to be the way you are you are also tell your husband that you will remain silent and that he can continue to do what he wants to do, you are enabling him to have both the worlds, private enjoyment and a social status of a good husband in society,
This is your life and this is the way you choose to live. Do not blame anyone for the choices you make!
2007-08-13 05:10:33 · answer #8 · answered by thachu5 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should take your kids and move one. You don't want your kids growing up thinking it's okay to cheat do you? Or seeing that mom and dad don't love each other or even want to be married and think that that's the right way to go about marriage?? You'd be a better example and parent if you just left and started over again setting an example of how to deal with this crap the RIGHT way. Staying will just hurt them down the road. Good LUck.
2007-08-06 04:47:25 · answer #9 · answered by urstruly8604 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can tell you that my sister stayed in her marriage because of her children and it was the worst thing she could have ever done. She has been miserable for 20 years and has never had to chance to feel or give real love. Thus the children learned the same. they also learned dis functional! Because the marriage was unhappy the family was unhappy!! Their lives would have been much better had they separated. I can tell you I got a divorce and we did so without attorney
s and without fighing. It is possible. You need to do that to have a good relation for the children and so they are not used as pawns between the two of you. Sometimes it's better to cut your losses and walk away nicely or amicably i should say. Good Luck to you all!!
2007-08-11 19:23:13 · answer #10 · answered by connie p 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, your position really sucks, but if you really want to stay for your kids...your have to stay out of each others way. Seems like your a stay at home mom. You should make sure the house is kept up and things are taken care of on your end. This will avoid fights the children will have to see. Been there, done that. Hopefully, you too will get some breathing room.
2007-08-06 05:06:16 · answer #11 · answered by Cali Girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋